Perfect Parenting Doesn’t Exist And That’s Okay

In the opinion of most experts, there is no such thing as a “perfect parent.” Numerous studies reveal that there isn’t a manual for parenting since it is difficult to be a perfect parent. Striving for a flawless parenting experience greatly influences a child’s emotional well-being as well as the parents’. Working on being perfect all the time negatively affects your mental health.

Surveys show that about half of parents feel social media creates unrealistic, unattainable expectations of family life, making them feel “inadequate” or even  “depressed”. For this reason, it’s good to see that each child will face challenges in their way, and there is no need to think that creating a perfect childhood will result in creating a perfect adult. 

Many psychologists and child-development experts emphasise good-enough parenting instead. The British paediatrician D.W. Winnicott coined the term “good-enough mother” (extended today to good-enough parenting) to remind parents that they need only be adequate and loving, not flawless.

According to an elder-sage article, what families have taught for years is that we should not strive for perfection, because it is more than enough to raise good children with love. In practice, this means providing love, stability, and guidance most of the time, while admitting mistakes, setting realistic expectations, and allowing your child to learn from normal setbacks.

Read More: Should Parents use Corporal Punishment? 

Psychological Models of Parenting 

Psychologists have long studied parenting styles and attachment to understand how parents influence kids. Diana Baumrind’s classic model identifies four main styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and uninvolved.

Authoritative parents combine warmth with clear limits (high responsiveness, high demands). Studies show this style generally produces the healthiest, most well-adjusted children. In contrast, authoritarian parents are very strict and distant (high demands, low warmth), often leading children to obey out of fear and acting out in frustration. Permissive parents are warm but lax, with few rules (high warmth, low control), which can leave children undisciplined or insecure. Uninvolved or neglectful parents provide neither structure nor warmth; their children typically struggle with social and academic problems.

Importantly, none of these styles is  “perfect.” Even authoritative parents will make mistakes. The key lesson is balance: give lots of love and support, set reasonable rules, and be flexible when needed. As one guide puts it, being a “positive parent”, giving warmth, guidance, and consequences is a better goal than being perfect. 

The attachment theory (developed by Bowlby and Ainsworth) states that children attach to caregivers based on the extent to which their needs are met regularly. Children are born wired “with a need to forge bonds with caregivers”, and these early attachments shape their sense of security throughout life.

A consistently loving, responsive parent fosters a secure attachment in a child who feels safe to explore and confident that the caregiver will return if separated. Insecure attachments can arise if parents are unpredictable, for example, hot-and-cold in their care. But again, “secure” doesn’t mean perfect. It simply means reliable: a parent who, on the whole, listens to a child’s needs, soothes them when frightened, and gently sets boundaries. This supportive “secure base” helps children develop trust and resilience, even when a parent occasionally slips up. 

Bandura’s social learning theory reminds us that children learn by modelling adults. Kids watch their parents and imitate how they act. If a parent handles stress calmly, apologises when wrong, and problem-solves effectively, the child picks up those skills. Meanwhile,  parents who strive for perfection might mistakenly make their children afraid of making mistakes. When parents forgive themselves when they make mistakes, they show their children it is okay to make mistakes as well. 

Read More: Is Gentle Parenting the Real Deal or Just Another Trend?

Cultural and Societal Context 

Parenting ideals vary widely by culture and context. What one society considers “good” parenting might surprise another. For example, decades of research distinguish Eastern vs. Western styles: many Asian and other non-Western cultures emphasise respect and obedience (authoritative in the sense of firm guidance), whereas Western cultures often prize independence and self-expression.

One study found European American mothers tend to guide children by suggestion (promoting autonomy), whereas Puerto Rican mothers are more likely to command behaviour (reflecting interdependence). Similarly, some research shows that Chinese children’s temperaments align differently with authoritarian or authoritative styles than do Western children. These differences mean there is no single ideal- it depends on cultural values about family, community, and individualism. 

At the same time, many societies today place intense pressure on parents. Modern  “authorities” include social media, parenting blogs, and comparison-oriented culture. For example, advertisements and “momfluencers” often present curated images of perfect homes and perfect kids, implying that a good parent never loses patience or makes mistakes. A 2022 survey found nearly half of parents blamed social media for creating unattainable family standards.

This cultural push can make parents feel shame and guilt. As one family therapist notes, “perfect parent” is literally “an oxymoron, that doesn’t exist”, yet it’s ideal pervades our feeds and feeds our anxieties. The result is often over-scheduling children, over-monitoring their lives (helicopter or “lawnmower” parenting),  and trying to control every outcome, all in a bid to be flawless. Unfortunately, many experts warn that this backfires by undermining kids’ independence and well-being. 

Read More: Parenting Styles and Moral Development in Early Childhood

The Pitfalls of Perfectionism 

When parents push too hard, pursuing the “perfect child” or striving to be flawlessly attentive, they burn out. One Ohio State study found that parents who feel overwhelmed by external expectations are far more likely to experience burnout. In practical terms, burned-out parents are more irritable and less emotionally available, which can, in turn, stress children. Children of overbearing parents often lose confidence and resilience. As author Crista Balis puts it, “over-parenting can stunt our kids’ emotional growth and executive functioning,” leading to anxiety, depression, and helplessness. In other words, shielding children from every hardship robs them of learning how to cope. 

On the other hand, allowing children some normal setbacks teaches resilience. According to  Michele Borba, parents who allow their children to face challenges and help them get past them raise people who are more confident, tougher, and likely to find success. Whenever a parent steps in to fix something, the child sometimes gets the idea, “I can’t manage on my own,” which makes them more dependent.

Alternatively, if parents let children solve things by themselves, kids acquire the attitude to persevere. Borba advises: “Don’t do for  your child what your child can do for themself.” Simple strategies like asking “What happened and what will you try next time?” help children develop a growth mindset.  Indeed, walking a child through small failures, calmly discussing mistakes and how to fix them, builds the very grit and frustration tolerance that prepare kids for life. 

Read More: Study: Parental Perfectionism Linked to Compulsive Gaming

Conclusion 

In sum, perfect parenting is a myth, but good-enough parenting is both achievable and immensely valuable. By focusing on love, consistency, and connection rather than perfection, parents help children grow into healthy, independent adults. Child development experts agree to permit yourself to be human. Set the bar at “good enough,” and your children will learn from your care, not your perfection.

FAQs 

1. What is perfect parenting? 

Perfect parenting is about showing children love, warmth and kindness. It’s about guiding children to act the way you want by encouraging and teaching them. It’s about helping children thrive by sending the powerful message: You are loved, you are good, you matter. 

2. What are the 5 positive parenting skills?  

Five key skills for positive parenting include: active listening, consistency and boundaries, patience, encouragement and positive reinforcement, and adaptability. These skills help create a supportive and nurturing environment for children while also guiding their behaviour and development.  

3. What are the best parenting techniques?  

The most effective parenting techniques, according to experts, often revolve around a blend of authoritative and gentle parenting approaches, emphasising clear communication, setting limits, and providing a nurturing environment. Specifically,  consistent rules, age-appropriate expectations, and a balanced approach that prioritises both structure and independence can lead to well-adjusted and emotionally stable children.