The Puzzle of Self: Exploring Identity in a Demanding World

“The world will ask who you are, and if you do not know, the world will tell you.” is a noteworthy quote given by psychologist Carl Jung, who is primarily known for his concepts related to self, archetypes and the unconscious mind. We surrender so much of ourselves when we permit the world to designate our identity. In the current world that constantly burdens us with endless expectations, it’s challenging to have a strong and unburdened sense of yourself. So many responsibilities and obligations are placed on us by parents, peers, colleagues, partners, social media, society and the community. 

There is a lot of pressure to project ourselves as perfect, self-reliant, independent, well-adjusted individuals but we are aware that our portrayal of ourselves may not necessarily reflect who we truly are. As children, we would have often envisioned who we wanted to be as adults. With a beaming smile, we would have declared that we couldn’t wait to grow up and be adults as soon as possible. Can you recall who you wanted to be before the world altered that perception?

To unmask the person beneath the diverse and complex layers and then interpret our sense of self and identity, we first need to understand what constitutes a sense of self.

What is a Sense of self?

A sense of self is a multifaceted construct that is a combination of how we perceive ourselves, our experiences and our interactions with the world. It is constantly evolving and is influenced by our memories, core values, beliefs and relationships. For example, an adolescent’s sense of self can be shaped by their developing identity and values which are separate from their family’s values and beliefs.

A sense of self is a multifaceted construct that is a combination of how we perceive ourselves, our experiences and our interactions with the world.

Our sense of self is also known as self-concept. Our authentic identity sets us apart from other people and can influence our thoughts, nature and behaviour. We might view ourselves differently based on the roles we play in personal, professional and other settings but we are the same person. For example, as a parent, we might perceive ourselves as a flexible person but at work, we would have a sense of self that is unyielding. 

What factors can impact your sense of self? 

Core values and beliefs

Our core beliefs, moral compass (behaviour based on our ability to judge right vs wrong), priorities, and ideologies are all factors that direct the decisions we make and the behaviour we exhibit. These factors also reinforce our perceptions about ourselves. For example, a person with the core belief “I’m a failure.” would be convinced that being a failure is their identity and internalize that they are not good enough. The way we perceive the world, the political ideologies we hold, our awareness about the environment, religious beliefs and spirituality can also solidify our identity and how we relate to people and the world.

Read More: Why we fear Failure and How to Overcome it, According to Psychology

Trauma

Traumatic events or experiences whether it is physical, emotional, sexual, or psychological can deeply impact how people perceive themselves and their self-worth. Accumulated trauma can alter an individual’s sense of identity, self-esteem, psychological structure and well-being. Someone who has undergone trauma may feel inherently guilty or ashamed of what happened to them even when it was not their fault. They might hold on to the belief that they deserved the pain and question if something is inherently wrong with them, resulting in a distorted sense of self.

If a person is consistently exposed to extreme forms of abuse, neglect and rejection, they might begin to think they are not worthy of love, respect and care. As their self-worth becomes diminished over time, it will be challenging for them to build a healthy sense of self. Any form of trauma can shatter a person’s worldview and their beliefs about the world would become distorted due to the traumatic events they experienced. For example, a person who experienced some form of abuse from a police officer might find it difficult to trust any authority figures and would feel powerless and vulnerable in their presence. 

Crises

When a person undergoes a crisis or an identity crisis, they would feel destabilized in their life. There is a deep sense of uncertainty which would lead to emotional turmoil, a sense of emptiness or stagnation, loss of drive/purpose, depression and anxiety. Experiencing an existential crisis can make an individual question life’s meaning, their existence or place in life and also their purpose. While this type of crisis can be a challenging and uncertain period, it can also lead to a better understanding of who we are or want to be.

When we undergo this crisis, there’s room for personal growth, self-awareness and a shift in perspectives, beliefs and priorities, helping us to redefine our sense of self. Events that provoke a sense of loss, bereavement and grief can make an individual feel disconnected from their self-concept and also cause damage to their perceptions about themselves.

Failures and Milestones

There are so many types of milestones in a person’s life – personal, professional, social, health, academic, familial and ethical. These are the important achievements and turning points in our lives that shaped us in some way. As we progress through various stages of life, our milestones and important moments can reinforce, confirm and challenge our sense of self. Just like achievements, failures can either be defining moments or opportunities for growth and learning. The way a person handles and navigates failure or rejection in various aspects of their lives depends on whether they have a strong or damaged sense of self.

How does parenting style influence our sense of self?

Parenting styles can either fortify or undermine a person’s self-esteem, self-worth and the development of their identity. The parenting style that people experience from their childhood leaves a fundamental and lasting impression on how they value themselves, their interactions with others, and the way they address challenges in various stages of their lives. The interactions between children and their parents, the expectations placed on the children, and the consistent manner in which the children were supported, loved, disciplined and valued play a crucial role in shaping each child’s sense of themselves and their self-identity.

For example, overprotective parents can hinder their children’s development and progress when they constantly monitor their behaviour or make decisions for them. Children of overprotective parents tend to have a fragile sense of self as their abilities and confidence are never allowed to flourish. When parents offer unconditional love, support and validation, they bolster their children’s self-worth and self-acceptance. Children who are allowed to make their own decisions and encouraged to be self-reliant are more likely to develop a strong sense of self.

Read More: The Evolution of Parenting Styles: A Deeper Look

Teaching children to maintain consistent and clear boundaries will help them become responsible adults and also understand their limitations. When unconditional positive regard and empathy are paired with discipline and modelling, children learn to be independent and feel immensely valued for who they are. The behaviour displayed by parents when they handle life challenges, relationships, emotions and conflict can act as a blueprint or model for their children who are constantly navigating their place in the world and aids them to develop their identity and handle arduous challenges or conflicts with others.

When unconditional positive regard and empathy are paired with discipline and modelling, children learn to be independent and feel immensely valued for who they are.

When parents place unrealistic expectations on their offspring, their children might often feel incompetent and would overcompensate through unhealthy coping mechanisms. Reasonable expectations and unconditional support can lead to a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction which boosts a child’s sense of self.

To sum up, supportive parents who offer encouragement, praise, validation, love, and empathy to their children can help their children develop a strong, positive and independent sense of self. When parents offer constant criticism, negative feedback, and punishments, and focus on perfectionism and failures without acknowledging efforts and progress, their children end up developing a fragile, negative and self-critical sense of self.

What constitutes a solid sense of self?

A strong sense of self is rooted in a steadfast and clear understanding of who you are. It also encompasses having extensive knowledge and understanding of your core values, beliefs, self-worth, and purpose in life and behaving accordingly. People with a strong sense of self are more capable of adapting to life’s challenges while still being rooted in themselves, their principles and their identity. Are you wondering if you have a strong sense of self? Here’s a checklist of some of the key components that represent a strong sense of self :

• Self-awareness
• Healthy boundaries
• Authenticity
• Self-confidence
• Conscientiousness
• Self-esteem
• Openness to learning
• Adaptability
• Self-respect
• Growth mindset
• Empathy
• Resilience
• Self-compassion
• Autonomy
• Self-reliance
• Sense of purpose
• Self-acceptance

How to develop a solid foundation ourselves?

Reflect on your inherent values and observe how they influence your decisions and interactions with other people. Having clarity in your thoughts and beliefs can help you stay true to your core principles and make confident strides in all your endeavours. When you embrace imperfection, have a growth mindset, avoid self-criticism and stop comparing yourself to other people, you are on the path to self-acceptance and compassion towards yourself, your efforts and your achievements.

Learn to cultivate boundaries with other people by honouring your principles, time, energy and intrinsic value. Make sure you avoid people-pleasing and learn to express your thoughts and emotions through authentic and coherent actions to avoid ambiguity in your behaviour. Take responsibility for your own actions, and your role in conflicts and consistently learn from your previous patterns or mistakes. 

Stay curious about your inner layers and workings. Trusting yourself is a great initiative but also keep yourself open-minded towards constructive feedback to avoid personal bias and foster personal growth. Developing a strong sense of self isn’t restricted to relying only on yourself. Talk to your trusted friends, family, colleagues or counsellors and seek their support when you find yourself struggling on your own. Mental health practitioners are trained to offer support and counsel for people going through any form of emotional distress related to a person’s sense of self.

Conclusion

In conclusion, developing a strong sense of self sets a solid foundation for individuals to experience and balance their lives with powerful pillars such as authenticity, self-confidence, self-awareness, self-acceptance, emotional resilience and a sense of purpose. 

Similar to characters in games, books or movies, when we develop a resilient and solid sense of self, we can seamlessly progress through the boss levels or different scenarios in life, while staying true to our character!

FAQs

1. What is a strong sense of self?

A strong sense of self is attributed to someone who has a clear understanding of who they are, their values and beliefs, and what they stand for. People with a strong sense of self are confident in themselves don’t worry about what others think and do not seek external validation or approval. 

2. Why do we need a solid sense of self?

A strong sense of self is important because it can help you make decisions that align with your principles. Having a solid self-concept can improve your self-esteem, set healthy boundaries, improve emotional resilience, manage relationships and help you achieve your goals.

3. What affects our sense of self the most?

Some of the things that have a direct impact on our sense of self include culture, social expectations, parenting styles experienced during childhood, crisis or trauma situations, interactions with people, religious and spiritual beliefs, conflicts, failures, rejection, milestones and achievements, etc.

4. How do we build a strong sense of self?

Some of the ways in which we can build a strong sense of self are by being self-aware, compassionate and accepting towards ourselves, seeking support from others, honouring our principles, having clarity in thought and actions, taking responsibility for our own lives, handling conflict or life’s challenges and by having a growth mindset.