I know how deeply it affects, both emotionally and physically. It’s a horrible feeling of helplessness and frustration where you question why this is happening to me. And what can you do to change it? Right now, it feels like there’s nothing you can do that is going to help. You’re telling yourself this is how it’s supposed to be for you. You’re stuck being the “perpetual struggler.” You’ll always have to climb a mountain before you even make it to the starting line, while others get dropped down from above to reach the summit of the mountain without effort.
You need to work for the basic needs of financial security, employment, and peace. Yet they all seem to be living the life you’ve always dreamed of without breaking a sweat. Not only is this frustrating, but it’s also emotionally draining to watch others who are mean and self-centred or bullies reach the same goals as you have, use all the skills you’ve developed throughout your entire life, and then win with their “horrible” behaviour; where you have been perfecting your craft since childhood with continuous self-doubt.
The Death of the Moral Contract: The Just-World Hypothesis
Seeing somebody who doesn’t deserve what they have achieved creates Cognitive Dissonance for you; therefore, it is not just a feeling of jealousy. The idea of a Just-World Hypothesis helps explain why many feel as if their “destiny” has been broken because their brains try to reconcile an orderly, just world with the existence of an individual who has achieved success in an unjust, disorderly fashion (that is, when someone you view as undeserving finds success). Many people cope with this state of cognitive dissonance through self-blame (e.g., “I must be a bad person to have been so angry”) or through a sense of deep cynicism about life (“If nothing makes sense, then nothing matters”).
The Mirror of Envy: Relative Deprivation Theory
You are not feeling pain because of your personal shortcomings; rather, it is due to the closeness of another’s success. This is what is known as the Relative Deprivation Theory. Instead of measuring your happiness against a concrete benchmark, you measure it against who and what you perceive to be around you at that moment.
When you see another person being rewarded who, in your eyes, is undeserving of that reward, the way your mind processes that situation is as though that person has taken away something from you. So, although they may not actually be taking anything away from you, according to the Social Comparison Theory, you will measure your own worth socially and personally by how you compare to others, as suggested by Leon Festinger. When you see the “villains” winning, your internal self will indicate that you are less valuable, which may cause you to experience an overwhelming sense of “Self-Erasure” and that your hard work has become unrecognisable.
The Paralysis of the Soul: Learned Helplessness
The phrase in the blog post that is the most harmful is “What can you do? Nothing.” This is an instance of Learned Helplessness, which is a psychological theory by Martin Seligman. The theory states that when someone has been exposed to multiple negative incidents that they feel unable to control, they will ultimately give up trying, even if there are chances for success.
When someone believes that their “fate” is to have to fight for everything while other people get it handed to them, they will develop an External Locus of Control. This is when a person begins to see themselves as a “passenger” in their own life. An External Locus of Control is often the road to clinical depression and anxiety. Once someone stops believing that their powers of action (agency) matter, that person’s mental state will deteriorate. The feeling of “irritation” that someone has is merely the “last breath” of energy from their spirit fighting this paralysis. This is a person’s “Internal Locus of Control” that is responding to the person and showing him/her that he/she is supposed to have agency.
Read More: Mental Fatigue Explained: How Cognitive Load Secretly Leads to Burnout
The Burden of the “Gifted” Child: Imposter Syndrome and Constant Doubt
Since childhood, you have been trying to achieve your goals while constantly being plagued with doubts about whether you are “good enough.” This results from a consistent type of mental fatigue. Many people suffer from the Dunning-Kruger effect; people who possess little to no skills in an area have an inflated sense of self at best and feel they need to continue working.
You are the opposite of these people because you are acutely aware of how much you care about your ability or personal characteristics; therefore, you develop a tendency towards self-reflection, over-editing, and worrying, whereas those “self-serving” people have little concern about anything and just grab what they want. There aren’t any greater in skill and ability than you; they just lack a conscience to restrict their behaviour. The net effect of this is known as a Civility Penalty, as the more civility and self-awareness you possess, the more difficult the route appears to be.
Read More: Overconfidence vs. Underestimation: The Psychological Trap of the Dunning-Kruger Effect
The “Mean-Girl” Paradox: Why Do the Bullies Win?
The success of a bully is repugnant. Sociological research suggests that their aggressive and egotistical behaviours are frequently mistaken for confidence or leadership by observers in a high-pressure situation. This is referred to as Dark Triad traits (Narcissism, Machiavellianism, and Psychopathy).
Though a bully’s short-term success may reward them quickly, their accomplishments are notably fleeting because they lack the Emotional Intelligence (EQ) necessary to maintain enduring relationships and a level of inner serenity. But to one looking on, their most recent success seems to be a destruction of Justice.
The Long-Term Impact: Equity Sensitivity
Not all individuals respond in the same way to situations of inequity. People with an especially strong sensitivity to equity will have their mental health very much impacted by the ratio of their inputs (efforts, kindness, struggles, etc.) to the outputs (dreams, goals, and basic needs, etc.) that they receive as a reward for these inputs.
For example, if you see a “junkie” getting a high outcome (e.g., a lot of money) for making no input whatsoever, your internal scales of equity will not only tip but may completely become unbalanced, leading to burnout not from too much work but rather from having “too much feeling” because of the lack of a reward for effort put forth.
Moving from “Fate” to “Defiance”
Are you destined to suffer? Of course not. But you may find yourself today at this moment experiencing ‘Hard Mode’ while others experience ‘Easy Mode.’ The psychological change you need to make is from a place of Resentment to a place of radical acceptance. Radical Acceptance does not mean you have to like what is happening; it means you stop wasting your limited emotional energy on trying to keep it from happening.
When you state, “What can you do? Nothing,” that is only partially true. You cannot control other people’s “unearned” success; however, the sense of “fate” you have is not a fact, it is simply a narrative. By learning about how events are attributed (meaning how we attach significance to something), you will begin to see that the other person’s accomplishment does not define your value; the other person’s “win” is an anomaly in the system, and it does not reflect on you or your soul.
Read More: How Radical Acceptance can make life easier to live
Conclusion
The hurt is genuine; however, the actual story belongs to you. The pain you feel is a result of having a conscience. The pain you feel is because you put value in meritocracy, hard work, and decency towards others. The “rubbish” people have no pain because they do not have a depth of understanding of what they have rushed through. Your hard work and difficulties do not indicate you were “not meant for it”; however, it does indicate that you are earning a type of success that is rooted in your character.
Their type of success is a tumbleweed; it appears large and full, but it does not have a relationship or any connection to the land, so it will no longer be able to move. Conversely, your type of success is an oak tree; it may take a long time to grow and go through harsh weather conditions. Once an oak tree has reached maturity, it will not be moved by the first sign of trouble. Do not allow your frustration over their “easily won” success to convince you to stop striving for “hard-won” success. Your frustration is evidence that you still believe in a better future and should continue to do so.
Leave feedback about this