Are You Addicted to Falling in Love? Here’s What That Means

Who better than Ted Mosby to explain emophilia? Ted Mosby falls in love quickly with a heart as open as the New York City skies. On the lookout for his “the one”, Ted wears his heart on his sleeve. The only thing on his mind is if “she” is out there. The way he narrates the story of his life to his children, each new woman accounts for a new chapter.

With the various women he has been in love with, his emophilia shines in a different light. Robin captivates him; within hours, he declares his love over dinner, imagining a future together before they even reach dessert. And with Stella, he believes he has found his forever, proposing to her after a whirlwind courtship, even though he knows she’s hesitant about their future.

And with Victoria, he’s so caught up in the romance of a dramatic reunion that he risks sabotaging her engagement, hoping fate has delivered them back to one another. His idea and insistence on finding the one is endearing and exasperating, but ultimately it’s reckless. As an architect, he doesn’t focus on building concrete giants. He is determined to build elaborate fantasies. Each heartbreak, instead of grounding him, only furthers his quest to find his soulmate and fall harder in love than the last time. 

In his words, “Love doesn’t make sense. You can’t logic your way into or out of it. Love is nonsensical. But we have to keep doing it, or else we’re lost, and love is dead, and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do.” 

Defining Emophilia 

With Ted’s example, emophilia is certainly anything but falling in love. One can say it’s falling in love with the idea of falling in love. So, how do psychologists explain this phenomenon? 

People formerly called emophilia “Emotional Promiscuity.” While the word promiscuity denotes frequent sexual interactions with different people and is culturally associated with lust, the term emotional promiscuity is associated with love. Daniel Jones defines it as the “tendency to develop romantic feelings quickly, often, and less discriminately.” Just like in its traditional sense, promiscuity means being sexually indiscriminate or not selective about partners, emotional promiscuity shows “how easily and often an individual falls in love” (Jones,2011). Emophilia is then the tendency to fall in love fast and often (Jones, 2011, Jones, 2015; Jones & Curtis, 2017; Jones & Paulhus, 2012). 

Read More: Can Two Introverts be in Love? 

Emophilia and Love 

Diamond (2003; 2004) stated “Romantic love typically denotes the powerful feelings of emotional infatuation and attachment between intimate partners.” Sternberg’s triangular theory of love states that love involves 3 components – Passion, Intimacy and Commitment. Consummate love, which we all strive for can be achieved when all three components are present.

In the case of emophilia, Diamond’s definition of love might be more fitting. According to Diamond, romantic love involves powerful feelings of emotional infatuation and attachment, which aligns closely with the experience of those with haemophilia.

Individuals with haemophilia tend to feel intense infatuation and attachment to their partners early on, often becoming deeply absorbed in the emotional rush of new relationships. Here, passion is dominant, overshadowing the other aspects of love. 

In contrast, according to Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, true or “consummate” love includes three essential components: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Consummate love, which is considered an ideal form of love, is balanced because it combines the initial spark of passion with deeper emotional intimacy and a sustained commitment. In emophilia, however, this balance is often missing. While passion may be very high, intimacy and commitment might not have the time or stability to fully develop. This leads to a love that is intense but often short-lived.

Read More: Understanding the Triangular Theory of Love

Who is More Likely to Engage in Emophilia? 

Given the nature of this phenomenon, no doubt those with an anxious attachment style would likely be its victims. In such an attachment style, the person’s goal is to maintain closeness and avoid abandonment. Due to the lack of inconsistent caregiving experiences, in adulthood, such individuals tend to be eager to form and hold on to romantic bonds. 

This “rush to love” satisfies their need for closeness, even if the relationship lacks long-term stability or compatibility. Such a situation is likely to trigger anxious behaviour like hypervigilance and fear of loss—as the relationship is not yet stable. 

Individuals who are highly emophilic tend to be sensitive, and an anxious attachment style only enhances this sensitivity. The absence of emotional security in their childhood drives their want for a new love to fill that gap. 

Another kind of person who is likely to engage in emophilia is one who has been prey to romantic idealism. Romantic idealism involves a belief in concepts like “love at first sight” and the notion of finding one’s “one and only” perfect partner. Obsessed with finding “the one,” they idealize every romantic partner, either seeing them through rose-coloured glasses or trying to mould them into their ideal. 

Remember Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big? Let’s face it. He was less than an ideal partner for her, yet she chose to idealise him and her relationship with him. Even otherwise, she is constantly seeking to meet someone who can fulfil her fantasies and emotional desires, and never gives up on the idea of passionate, consuming love, often to her detriment. 

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) also share some similarities with those prone to emophilia in their tendency to form premature, intense romantic attachments driven by emotional highs. Both groups seek rapid connection and can idealize their partners quickly. However, the excitement and rush of falling in love motivate individuals with emophilia. Those with BPD often act out of fear of abandonment and emotional instability. This leads to more impulsive and sometimes destructive behaviors. BPD individuals also struggle with emotional regulation, often cycling between idealization and devaluation of their partners, whereas emophilic individuals are more driven by the thrill of romance without the same fear of loss. 

Read More: The Psychology Behind the Black Cat-Golden Retriever Theory

“Love Is A Want Rather Than A Need” 

The motivation here isn’t a need, it is a want. Those with emophilia want the thrill and rush of falling in love. Jones (2024) illustrates this with the help of Behavioral Activation. Here, the heightened sensitivity to emotional rewards drives the person, encouraging participation in rewarding activities to improve mood. In emophilia, the rush and excitement of falling in love motivate the person, to seek the positive emotions of romance.

This emotional “high” reinforces their behaviour, prompting them to repeatedly engage in forming new romantic connections. Emophilia thus drives individuals to pursue relationships for the emotional fulfilment they bring, creating a cycle of seeking love for the rewarding emotional experience it provides. They aren’t seeking someone to fill an emotional void or to avoid the pain of being alone. 

Let’s take Ted Mosby’s example. Ted doesn’t necessarily need someone to feel whole. He actively seeks the fulfilment of romantic idealism, the passion, and the infatuation that love provides. He searches for the exhilaration and passion that come with falling in love, rather than being driven by a deeper, more enduring need for attachment.

For instance, in his relationship with Robin, Ted believes he has found “the one.” Although their connection is intense, he bases his emotional attachment not on a need for validation, but on his idealized view of romantic love. He genuinely desires love, but the emotional necessity or fear of being alone does not motivate him. Additionally, his repeated relationships, many of which he ends quickly or which lead to disappointment, prove the want-based behaviour associated with haemophilia. His repeated emotional investments, despite the awareness of the possibility of heartache, a proof of a pursuit of emotional highs. 

Hence, while the term “emophilia” may not be commonly used, the phenomenon it represents is universally felt. Over time, phrases like “head over heels,” “love is blind,” and “chasing butterflies” have perpetuated the desire for relationships filled with excitement and intense emotions, rather than the calm and tranquillity that love actually entails. As CS Lewis astutely observed, “We are often infatuated with the concept of love, rather than love itself.” 

Read More: The Psychology Behind Romantic Relationships

FAQs 

1. What is emophilia? 

Emophilia is then the tendency to fall in love fast and often (Jones, 2011, Jones, 2015; Jones & Curtis, 2017; Jones & Paulhus, 2012). 

2. Factors associated with Emophilis? 

Factors associated are anxious attachment style, romantic idealism and borderline personality disorder. 

3. What is Behavioural Activation?

Here, the person is driven by a heightened sensitivity to emotional rewards and it encourages participation in rewarding activities to improve mood.