Why People Settle in a Relationship: The Psychology of Comfort vs Fulfillment

Even in the time when concepts like situationships, live-in-relation, and personal freedom are booming, people are still finding themselves in unfulfilled relationships. In a real sense, the relationships are meant to develop gradually, with each partner contributing. But some people receive nothing while putting in a lot of effort. The reasons why people choose to remain silent in these unfair relationships will be covered in this article. 

What is ‘settling’ in Romantic relationships? 

To get used to circumstances where all needs, desires, and wants are not fulfilled, while another person is receiving all the love from you. If we see it clearly, we can see it from many angles, such as insecurity, comfort, societal pressure, being afraid of conflicts, etc. Adaptation of those choices that are not usually signed in for by you, and this laid-back attitude will lead to long-term consequences like internal turmoil, emotional instability, dissatisfaction, and frustration at the workplace. 

Comfort vs Fulfilment: Easy way vs Hard way 

Every day of life won’t be easy. Levels are going to get harder as you move ahead with your goals. Comfort is unconditioned; that’s why it is easily adapted. It gives security, stability, leading to the completion of safety needs as highlighted in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory. It’s like following the routines, staple food preferences, and Netflix queue. At the same time, the fulfilment takes you on the journey of self-actualisation, as Maslow explained at the top of the pyramid. It ignites passion, collaborative growth, and development.

This fulfilment will be achieved through discipline, effort, and one needs to step forward to take actions for what one wants and for what the partner wants. Every phase of companionship presents challenges, but if both partners actively participate, maintain balance, and do not succumb to the psychological dilemma of choosing comfort over fulfilment, the journey becomes smoother. 

Fear of Loneliness 

Fear of being alone is one of the strongest forces in our emotional lives. It’s what keeps many people holding on to relationships that don’t truly nourish them. A book by Mikulincer and Shaver, Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, Change, explains the attachment theory. It underlines that those with anxious attachment style find it difficult to let go of unhealthy relationships because their need for belongingness can overpower this need for fulfilment (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). But it turns out, this tendency isn’t just about how we attach. It’s also about what we fear. 

Recent research shows that fear of being alone is a powerful reason people settle for less than they want or deserve (Spielmann et al., 2013). This fear often drives us to stay just because we’re in something, rather than because it feels good, deep, or aligned. And this emotional logic isn’t random – it mirrors what psychologists call loss aversion: the idea that the pain of losing something (even something mediocre) can feel more intense than the potential joy of finding something better. 

Societal Pressure 

From the moment you entered the age of knowing beyond concrete relationships, we have all been unconsciously conditioned to the concept of constant compromise or standing by. We have also heard phrases like “No relation is perfect”, “Making another person happy is only your responsibility”. These societal learnings lead us to choose to stay put rather than demanding more. Particularly in Indian societies, women are most likely to live under this pressure or guilt.

They have misunderstood that stability is the ultimate goal, and so, they romanticise bearing, silence, more than they celebrate growth. In many cultures, especially collectivistic ones, the pressure to prioritise longevity over joy is immense. Families hope for security. Friends praise stability. People trapped in internal, external chaos, many years have passed, then this constant compromise became normal or even the right thing to follow up. 

Comfort isn’t always bad: Equilibrium is Important 

Comfort is not always a play antagonist. Let’s be clear – balancing between two extremes is the key to sustaining any relations. Many people might have already experienced toxic relations or heartbreaks, comfort can be their saviour. And for those who are currently going through a lot of stress in this noisy world, stability can be essential in their healing process. It’s like finding their own space in a crowd. It offers calm, routine, and the safety of not being alone in the world. 

When one gets stuck in a comfort zone, it can affect your relations, where growth and passion will fade away. Comfort can nourish secure attachment. It can allow you to be authentic without any hesitation, take risks, and explore. But knowing each other is secondary. This is not a concern over comfort, but how we initiate to nurture our partners. 

Fulfilment: Actionable steps 

Fulfilment seeks more of us to grow and let another person also grow. It wants us to show up our original side, with all our vulnerabilities, but a willingness to develop. Fulfilment means having an open conversation about what you want or need. It’s about growing together, not just coexisting. It’s a proactive route yet meaningful. Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has explained in his book ‘Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience’ the concept of “flow”, which highlights that deeper engagement in life’s events will give us the most fruitful experience, not our inaction (Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly, 1990). Fulfilment never works aimlessly, it is always a thoughtful task. 

Realisation of settlement 

Realisation does not arrive suddenly. It slips into daily life quietly with small movements of realisation such as deeply affected arguments, while doing something that you never liked to do, hearing excuses at the time of your demand, or the way someone else suddenly sees you in a way your partner hasn’t in years. It’s like feeling alone even while sleeping. That void in them creates anxiety, frustration, complexes, issues with self. 

Signs You’re settling: these are cues not to go far away with your regrets. 

• You will feel relieved when you are not with your partner. 
• You are not being yourself to avoid an argument or even a discussion.
• You imagine yourself with them, unsatisfied in the future. You don’t feel passion. 
• You are staying in this connection because of societal pressure, not because you want it. 

Now, self-esteem is also the steering wheel. 

When you don’t see self-worth in yourself, that is, you do not believe in yourself, only then will you be satisfied for less than you deserve. People with low self-esteem often compromise because they have fixated on the idea of not getting better (Campbell, L., Simpson et al., 2001). This is all they are meant for. Even the people who are attracted to external factors like appearance, wealth will also get caught up in this trap. Because superficial things never guarantee to fulfilment of the feeling of contentment. 

Delusion of a perfect relationship 

No perfect relationship exists. Even most compatible couples fight over small things, doubt each other or sometimes stop talking. But there is a difference between imperfection and incompatibility. A healthy relationship allows you to cherish your real self, to change, to dream, to fail, and to stand for yourself. There are no boundaries to keep. Most importantly, this is not a sided thing at all. If you are trying to keep harmony in a relationship while avoiding conflicts, then it is just an avoidance coping style. You can not see your relationship through rose-tinted glasses forever. 

Tools to bring clarity: 

It can be hard to cope with this emptiness alone. Therefore, asking for help will be useful. Therapy can be a good solution if you feel stuck in your relationship. There are strategies in couples counselling. It improves the relationship by making the bond and communication stronger and deeper. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) will directly counteract the issue, which focuses on improving the attachment and bond between partners. Therapists help couples to erase the disconnection (Madeson & Neuhaus, 2023). 

Take one step forward by asking yourself:

• Do I feel taken for granted in the relationship? 
• Whether I am growing or shrinking around the person? 
• If anyone asks me today, would you like to be with the same person forever as you are now? 

Don’t worry about the answers. Self-awareness lets you feel alive within.

How to evolve as a couple in a relationship? 

If comfort-based relation is upon mutual understanding, then it is not a red flag. If both partners want a fresh start, then there is always a way to transform. How? 

• Open a conversation on topics like your fears, needs, and ambitions. 
• Reshape your routine, such as increasing involvement in each other’s roles, discussing things that need to be changed, and being clear about what you don’t want to change at all. 
• Try new things together, curiosity will uplift your relationship. For example, joining a yoga class, attending a pottery workshop, or going on an adventurous trip. 

You should know when to stop compromising

But, sometimes relationships ask you more where you have to replace yourself with another personality. And it is not a healthy way of negotiation for development. If this is happening with you, then you should understand that you are not with the right person. No one should forget their individuality while being in a relationship. It’s about living in parallel with your truth, needs, and completeness. 

Conclusion 

Settling isn’t always loud. Sometimes, it’s just silence where there should be laughter. Discomfort disguised as routine. But love—real love—should stretch you, not shrink you. It should feel like safety and aliveness. It should welcome your evolution, not resist it. In the end, the real work isn’t just choosing a partner. It’s choosing your truth, your growth, your fulfilment—and walking beside someone who wants to do the same. Because love isn’t just about staying together. It’s about becoming together. 

If you don’t know what you want, you’ll never find it. If you don’t know what you deserve, you’ll always settle for less. You will wander aimlessly, uncomfortably numb in your comfort zone, wondering how life has ended up here. Life starts now, live, love, laugh, and let your light shine!

Rob Liano

FAQs 

1. Do people stay in relationships because they are comfortable? 

It depends on their choices, needs, and what kind of conditioning they have been through. Still, we have all stayed with people who are not right for us but chose to be silent, such as with a friend, boss, or any other relative. People stay in relationships because they fear being alone and that insecure, safe feeling makes them worried. Without human connection, no person can live so there might be some situation where one has to choose to stay for comfort.

2. Why is fulfilment important in a relationship? 

The relationships differ in the context of belongingness and other factors. Finding a sense of closeness and building a fulfilling connection can help one to grow personally and as a couple. Overall satisfaction is also seen as a reason to stay in the relationship. 

3. How do you feel fulfilled without a relationship? 

Tips to stay happy without a romantic relationship 

• Self-aware of yourself—your fears, dreams, anxiety, hopes. 
• Be gentle with yourself 
• Set small goals for each day. 
• Don’t overthink not having a romantic partner. 
• Focus on your loved ones, take care of those who care for you.