Frequently, our feelings fail to demonstrate themselves honestly. For example, limerence is one of those times. This word can sometimes have some difficulty in defining it. Limerence can exist in phrases like “I think I am in love” or “It’s complicated”. It occurs with late-night phone calls, unfinished conversations and the anxiety of waiting to see if someone comes online but does not respond.
Limerence was first defined by Dr Dorothy Tennov in 1979, and refers to a very powerful emotional experience that involves an obsessive thought process over another person, an extreme desire for reciprocation from the other person and heightened sensitivity towards their behaviour (Tennov, 1979). Limerence is not just a state of attraction; it is not love, nor does it provide stability. It has far more intensity than either attraction or love, and often hovers between a feeling of hope and one of despair.
The current world we live in today, with its hyper-connectedness and ambiguity with regard to emotional connectivity, expresses this limerent experience in many more ways than our previously considered “norms” for defining it (Turkle, 2011).
Read More: The Psychology Behind One-Sided Love
Core Features of Limerence
Research tells some of the common characteristics of limerence:
- Intrusive thinking: An unintentional, uncontrolled, and recurrent fixation on a “limerent object” (LO), typically displaying as continuous mental, sexual, or romantic fantasies that disrupt daily concentration (Tennov, 1979; Marazziti et al., 1999).
- Emotional dependence: Their mood will change with small interactions, like a reply, a like, or silence (Fisher, 2010).
- Fear of rejection: Even minor signs are interpreted as acceptance or rejection (Leary, 2001).
- Idealisation: The person is perceived in an unreasonably favourable way (Hatfield & Rapson, 1993).
- Desire for reciprocation: There is a great urge for the feelings to be returned (Tennov, 1979)
The above features make limerence psychologically consuming. It often feels intense because it is a combination of emotional bond and unpredictability
Cognitive and Behavioural Mechanisms
The cognitive aspects of limerence include selective attention and over-interpretation. A person can pay lots of attention to small things, like when a message was sent, how it sounds, or how much activity there is on social media and will assign meaning to those small things. They will do this through the process of confirmation bias, where they interpret things to meet their own hopes (i.e. “they replied late but at least they did reply”) (Nickerson, 1998).
Another important process is rumination, where a person will continue to think about interactions with that same person and will try to predict the possible outcome or figure out why the other person behaved the way they did (Nolen-Hoeksema, 2000). This creates a cycle that on-goingly strengthens the connection of that person. Focus on that person, interpret behaviour, feel an emotional response and increase focus on them again.
Neuropsychological Basis
Research (Helen Fisher and her team) has shown through studies that when people become limerent for someone, the brain’s reward system activates the VTA and caudate nucleus region of the brain when they have thoughts related to that person, releasing dopamine into the body (Fisher, Aron, & Brown, 2005; Aron et al., 2005). While many people associate dopamine with pleasure-seeking behaviour, it is also what motivates and encourages a person to want and chase after something; this explains why limerent people have a constant stream of thoughts about their desired partner (Berridge & Robinson, 1998).
Meanwhile, the reasoning function of the prefrontal cortex decreases when a person is preoccupied with thoughts of their partner/limerent object, leading to idealisation and poor judgment. Intermittent reinforcement in the form of attention resulting in a spike in dopamine, and subsequent periods when the limerent does not receive any attention, creates increased levels of craving. This unpredictability further strengthens the attachment to the limerent, as is the case for patterns of addiction (Schultz, 1998; Narayanan, Chakrabarti, & Sagar, 2011). The feeling of craving and lack of control may also be exacerbated by lower levels of serotonin, which promote intrusive thoughts and repetitive actions (Marazziti et al., 1999).
Ultimately, limerence is a cycle of craving, acting on a lack of control, and a fixation on a person in the brain, which explains why it is so difficult for people experiencing limerence to separate from their limerent objects (Reddy & Murthy, 2016).
Why Limerence is Common in the Indian Context
While limerence occurs globally, certain factors in Indian society can intensify it:
1. Non-Verbally Expressing Emotions
Many families have been raised in an environment where talking openly about loving feelings is easily discouraged, causing individuals to internalise their emotions rather than talk about them openly, thus increasing the mental pre-occupation with their feelings (Verma & Saraswathi, 2002).
2. Media Influences
The portrayal of one-sided love, being persistent, and suffering emotionally as attractive in Indian films and television shows can lead to the development of patterns of obsessive behaviour and to the blurring of the lines between love and obsession (Dwyer, 2006).
3. Dating Culture and Ambiguity
Modern Indian dating often lacks clear communication. Relationships may remain undefined, leading to confusion and overanalysis (Netting, 2010).
4. Social Risk of Rejection
Rejection can carry social consequences, especially within shared social circles. This discourages direct communication and prolongs uncertainty (Chakraborty, 2015).
Discriminating Limerence from Love
While limerence feels intense, it varies from healthy romantic love in fundamental ways (Sternberg, 1986):
| Limerence | Love |
| Based on uncertainty | Based on clarity |
| Driven by the need for validation | Driven by mutual understanding |
| Involves idealization | Involves realistic perception |
| Driven by the need for validation | Emotionally stable |
| Focused on response | Focused on relationship quality |
Limerence is primarily about being chosen, whereas love involves mutual connection and compatibility.
Role of Digital Communication
Digital platforms increase the intensity of limerence. Features such as “last seen,” “typing…,” and message read receipts provide constant information, but without context. This leads to overinterpretation (Turkle, 2011). For example, A delayed reply may be seen as disinterested, A quick reply may be seen as a strong interest. This constant monitoring reinforces emotional dependence and keeps the person engaged in the limerent cycle.
Underlying Psychological Factors
Limerence tends to be connected to deeper psychological patterns:
- Anxious attachment style: An insecure attachment style that comes from not being consistent as a child, which makes you very afraid of being left alone, have low self-esteem, and want closeness very badly (Bowlby, 1969; Ainsworth, 1978).
- Low self-esteem: Feeling that you require someone else to tell you how special and valuable you are, because you do not believe so on your own (Rosenberg, 1965).
- Emotional deprivation: Responding more strongly to feeling a connection with someone (Young, 1999).
- Fantasy bonding: Forming an imagined bond versus a lived bond (Firestone, 1985).
None of these features on their own will lead to limerence. These characteristics may make a person more inclined to have limerence when combined with other traits.
Read More: How Does Your Attachment Style Affect Your Relationship?
Can Limerence be Converted into Love?
In some circumstances, limerence can develop into love (Hatfield & Walster, 1978). However, there’s a particular criterion that must be attained for this transition to occur:
- Clear and open communication
- Mutual interest and effort
- Reduction of idealisation
- Development of emotional stability
If these conditions are absent, limerence typically leads to emotional stress rather than a stable relationship.
Managing Limerence
To successfully handle limerence, you do not need to stop feeling your emotions. Rather, you will need to identify your patterns and act based upon them (Beck, 1976). The following list contains numerous strategies to help you handle your limerent feelings/behaviours so that you can ultimately regain your emotional equilibrium:
- Reality-check your differences: You can identify the gap between how you see the person and what’s true about your interaction with that person.
- Monitoring your behaviour: You can limit how many times you check your phone for text messages and/or how much you check your phone for social media posts regarding the person you like.
- Redirecting your attention: You can engage in other activities (e.g., work) or do something meaningful (e.g., volunteer) to refocus your attention away from the person you have limerent feelings towards; and
- Understanding your attachment styles: You need to either identify your own patterns or understand specific areas where you experience emotional difficulties.
Each of these will help you lessen your intensity and regain emotional stability.
Conclusion
The psychology of limerence is seen often when there is not an abundance of emotional communication, and the particular relationship has some ambiguity (not fully defined). Emotional investment and uncertainty surrounding the other person compound with cognitive biases and neurobiological processes to cause intense limerent feelings. The intensity of limerent emotions could exist without relation to the level of commitment or meaningfulness of the relationship itself (Fisher, 2010).
A Person who understands limerence will be able to distinguish between being obsessively attached to someone and having a real emotional bond with that person, which will help them make an informed decision about the nature of their relationship and provide them with greater emotional stability.
References +
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