“Who Do You Love More?” Why Comparison Complicates Relationships

Individuals who are in a relationship often ask one another difficult questions. That is part of getting to know your partner to establish a relationship. What do you like? What do you think of this or that? 

But there can be a particular set of questions that could lead to a conflict inside the relationship, no matter the time of that. Am I better than that other person? Do you find me more attractive than that other one? Just to set a few examples. And that is when a relationship goes into the field of comparison. That is not something new in science. Actually, Thai (2022) wrote that there can be different types of comparisons since someone can easily fall into making one: between partners in a relationship,  between siblings, friends, couples, your ex and your partner, you and your partner’s ex.

But these comparisons can have a negative effect. For example, comparing yourself to the ex of a partner can increase the perception of being replaceable (Thai, 2022). Yet, there are more damaging comparisons in a relationship, to people close to your partner, for example. 

Read More: How to deal with conflicts in a relationship?

Not everyone is the same 

Every person in someone’s life has a different role from one another. Family is not the same as friends; partners are not the same as children. And those differences can be seen from the time someone is related to another person, the type of relationship and even the goal and support that relationship provides. Feeney and Collins (2015) explored this difference among relationships. Particularly, talking about how the development of an individual develops in stages, taking into account the relationships of that individual. For example, parental support is related to a child’s and an adolescent’s healthy explorations and the development of autonomy. 

When talking about close relationships such as friends or social circles, studies show that when an individual has a stressful day and is shown support from their social circles, after having less depressive mood. Also, the support from this close network can be considered a sign of well-being and goal attainment (Feeney and Collins, 2015). As seen, those relationships are meant to provide growth and development for the individual as they build over time from a very young age. So, how is that different from a couple? 

Support from a couple or spouse shows different developments in the person, according to research. In one study, partners were told that their significant other was supportive of the person’s goals, that shown an increase in self-esteem, a positive mood and more confidence in achieving the goal (Feeney and Collins, 2019). Other studies have shown that the support of a romantic partner influences decision-making and goal reaching, increasing or decreasing those two factors depending on the support of the partner (Feeney and Collins, 2019). 

Under the same bar: why do comparisons happen?

Comparisons are not a rare mental process, instead is a pretty common one. According to Festinger’s theory, comparisons happen all the time. In Festinger’s theory, called social comparison, an individual has the motivation to compare themselves with others because they are insecure about their abilities, opinions, behaviours, and thoughts (Petrilli et al., 2024). But also, this comparison helps to develop a self-concept and to protect self-esteem (Petrilli et al., 2024). So why does this happen inside a couple? 

Even in a relationship, a person doesn’t lose their individuality while going through individual processes.  Even if there are social comparisons among couples in order to compare positive aspects of the couple (Petrilli et al., 2024), there can be comparisons between one of the members of the couple and other people. 

But these comparisons aren’t driven by the development of a self-concept. Instead, they can be driven by insecurities. Among the insecurities presented in a relationship, there is one where the partner craves closeness to their significant other but is afraid that the person will leave or hurt them. This makes the partner hypervigilant to signs of love or possible rejection (Simpson and  Overall, 2014). 

And if a fight happens between these couples, the person with the anxious partner will centre on the problem. While the other partner will work only to reassure the positive aspects of the relationship with each other. Giving the expected result that the anxious partner wanted: a display of reassurance and future investment (Overall and Simpson, 2015). 

The role of attachment in a person inside a relationship 

As previously hinted, attachment does play a part in the comparisons within a couple. But how? The previous situation described (the anxious insecurity relation) is part of a type of attachment. The attachment system is born from the early interactions of a caregiver and child. How the child was treated is how the person will react in situations of fear, distress or challenges (Overall & Simpson,2015). Attachment can be categorised into: 

• Secure attachment: Individuals who have low levels of avoidance and anxiety often show having trust in others and value intimacy. 
• Insecure attachment is shown in high levels of anxiety, avoidance, or both (McLeod et al., 2020).

Read More: How Does Your Attachment Style Affect Your Relationship?

Insecure attachment can be seen in two forms

• Avoidant attachment: the person experienced rejection from the caregiver. The belief is that they can’t rely on anyone. Usually suppress their need for intimacy and become self-reliant (Overall & Simpson, 2015).  
• Anxious attachment: received inconsistent care. They crave acceptance and closeness but are fearful the partner will leave them. They become hypervigilant for the partner for possible signs of rejection (Overall & Simpson,2015).  

And talking particularly about insecure attachment, according to studies, anxious attachment partners do seek approval instead of support in relationships (McLeod et al., 2020). Not only 

that, Mikulincer & Shaver (2012) describe that people with attachment insecurities also present signs of self-focused attention and hypersensitivity to other evaluations. Besides unstable self-esteem and an overdependency on other approval (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2012). 

Taking a step away from comparisons 

An anxious attachment in a relationship could involve situations in which one of the partners might be comparing themselves with someone else in need of reassurance is not a lost fight. Overall, et al. (2022) described something called “partner buffering.” This can be considered a way of approaching stressful situations with people who show insecure attachment. The partner who does not have an insecure attachment must address the underlying fears or the need for reassurance to lower the levels of stress of the partner. There can be three ways to do that during a conflict:  

• Accentuating positive aspects 
• Expressing emotions that show commitment in the relationship  
• Physical contact with the target to lower the levels of stress (Overall et al., 2022). 

The importance of it is that the partner can show continued love and commitment to lower anxiety. The target is that the partner feels secure, grateful, valued and, with time, can lower the levels of anxiety attachment (Overall et al., 2022). Another way to deal with comparisons inside a couple can be: 

• Think about the relationship strengths, eliminating the need to distance from the partner
• Use self-affirmations: focus on a cherished personal value (Lockwood et al., 2004). 

Read More: Psychology Behind Commitment in Relationships

Conclusion

Comparisons are a normal mental process. Happens to everyone according to the social comparison theory. But it can be challenging for the person when they become a source of conflict in a relationship. That can be a sign of anxious attachment that shows the need for constant approval and commitment inside a relationship. One way to overcome it is by practising something called partner buffering, which is the reassurance and outlining of a positive aspect to the partner during conflicts.

References +

• Feeney, B. C., & Collins, N. L. (2015). Thriving through relationships. Current opinion in psychology, 1, 22-28. 
• Feeney, B. C., & Collins, N. L. (2019). The importance of relational support for attachment and exploration needs. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 182-186. 
• Lockwood, P., Dolderman, D., Sadler, P., & Gerchak, E. (2004). Feeling better about doing worse:  Social comparisons within romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,  87(1), 80–95. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.87.1.80 
• McLeod, S., Berry, K., Hodgson, C., & Wearden, A. (2020). Attachment and social support in romantic dyads: A systematic review. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 76(1), 59-101. 
• Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2012). An attachment perspective on psychopathology. World Psychiatry, 11(1), 11-15. 
• Overall, N. C., & Simpson, J. A. (2015). Attachment and dyadic regulation processes. Current opinion in psychology, 1, 61-66. 
• Overall, N. C., Pietromonaco, P. R., & Simpson, J. A. (2022). Buffering and spillover of adult attachment insecurity in couple and family relationships. Nature Reviews Psychology, 1(2), 101– 111. https://doi.org/10.1038/s44159-021-00011-1 
• Petrilli, S., Parise, M., Ripamonti, S. C., & Donato, S. (2024). Couple Social Comparisons and  Relationship Quality: A Path Analysis Model. Informing Science, 27(A), 1-12. 
• Simpson, J. A., & Overall, N. C. (2014). Partner Buffering of Attachment Insecurity. Current directions in psychological science, 23(1), 54–59. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721413510933 
• Thai, S. (2022). Comparing you, me, and us: Social comparisons in the context of close relationships. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 16(9), e12702.