We are often told that we are special and unique because we can do or achieve anything. That confidence is enough to get everything done. From a young age, our worth is attached to our achievements. An instance of this can easily be observed in schools, where top-scoring students are often considered better, while average or even low-scoring students are often ignored.
But this attachment of one’s worth to achievements and external success is fragile. Because, as humans, mistakes are an inevitable part of life. And when failure hits, one can’t cope with the aftermath. Suddenly, the all-knowing, all-achieving, intelligent person is branded with the “not so special after all” card.
For decades, self-esteem has been considered the cornerstone of psychological health. However, research over the past few years shows that not self-esteem, but rather self-compassion, which is based on concepts of self-acceptance, kindness, mindfulness, etc, is a better measure of mental health and well-being.
What is self-compassion?
The concept of self-compassion originates from Buddhist teachings as a form of relating to oneself. Dr. Kristin Neff pioneered it in psychology and academic research in the early 2000s. “Self-compassion is a multi-dimensional construct based on the recognition that suffering, failure, and inadequacy are part of the human condition, and that all people—oneself included—are worthy of compassion” —Neff, 2003. In simple terms, Neff defined the concept of self-compassion as treating oneself as they would treat their friend, without harsh, critical or overly judgmental behaviour. Neff gave the following three elements to explain the concept of self-compassion:-
1. Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment
This means that rather than being overly critical, judgmental or ignoring our sufferings as a result of our faults and failures, we should be kind and understanding. We should not deprive ourselves of the warmth and support we show to our friends for the same mistakes instead of being overly harsh, cold and critical.
2. Common humanity vs. Isolation
All our pain and suffering are not isolated or separate events. All individuals across the globe feel them, although often in different ways and amounts. Vulnerability and flaws are what make us human. Self-compassion makes us realise our common humanity, i.e, our connections and relations with other individuals over isolation.
Read More: Exploring Self-Concept, Authenticity, and Self-Esteem in Humanistic Psychology
3. Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification
Many psychologists argue that self-compassion is rooted in mindfulness. It is the acknowledgement of hurtful or aversive thoughts without their over-identification. This means a balanced and mindful approach to our faults and suffering without their exaggeration or suppression. It is the acceptance of things as we would for a friend, rather than immediate negative reactions.
Read More: The Connection Between Mindfulness and Flow
Understanding Self-esteem
According to Rosenberg (1965), “self-esteem is one’s positive or negative attitude toward oneself and one’s evaluation of one’s thoughts and feelings overall with oneself.” It is a person’s evaluation of their abilities, skills, knowledge, and overall self, based on confidence, self-respect, and a positive self-image, which can fluctuate with successes or setbacks.
Read More: Differences Between Positive & Negative Attitudes
Self-esteem vs. Self-compassion: A comparative study
- Self-esteem can be referred to as an evaluation of the self, of one’s value and worth. On the other hand, self-compassion does not rely on evaluation at all.
- Self-esteem is based on external validation in terms of success and achievement, and thus, is highly unstable. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is sticking with ourselves through thick and thin.
- High self-esteem shows an increase in confidence and motivation that can easily be affected by setbacks, while self-compassion is more focused on building resilience rather than giving in to self-criticism and dejection.
- People often associate self-esteem with comparison to others, whereas they see less in self-compassion.
Why Self-esteem Falters: The Fallacy
1. External
Self-esteem, as a product of external validation, is very brittle. If this external source of achievement falters, it also affects well-being.
2. Narcissism
Narcissism often strongly relates to self-esteem. Arrogant individuals, who lack empathy and feel entitled, can also have high self-esteem.
3. Social comparison
People with high self-esteem might feel a sense of superiority over others. The external achievements that boost self-esteem can create a sense of “better-than-others” in individuals. A study done by Alicke and Govorun (2005) showed that generally, people tend to consider themselves as better in terms of intellect, fame, nature, trustworthiness, etc. This means they think they are smarter, funnier, more logical, more popular, more trustworthy and reliable than other people.
4. Mental health problems
Even individuals with high self-esteem can have underlying issues and can struggle with mental health problems like anxiety, depression, or, in extreme cases, even suicidal ideation.
Read More: Anxiety & Depression: Synonyms of Perfection
5. Performance and behaviour
High self-esteem does not represent better performance in academics, jobs or other areas. It doesn’t even reduce aggression, prejudice or antisocial behaviour. Additionally, even a bully or a criminal may have a sense of high self-esteem.
Read More: How is Perfectionism affecting your Self-Esteem and Life Satisfaction?
Benefits Of Self-compassion: More Powerful than Self-esteem
Studies conducted over the last two decades continue to show that higher levels of self-compassion improve psychological well-being. Gilbert (2005) studied the positive influences of self-compassion. He found that it impacts individuals by giving them a sense of connection, making them feel cared for, and calming them emotionally, thus improving their well-being.
- Highly self-compassionate individuals are not only happier, interconnected, focused and curious, but also their levels of anxiety, depression, and rumination etc are quite low.
- Self-compassion, unlike self-esteem, is based on intrinsic factors rather than on external validation. This results in better motivation to work for their goals.
- Self-compassionate individuals don’t look down on themselves when committing mistakes, and focus instead on acknowledging and finding ways to move past them. This makes them more emotionally strong and resilient to bounce back from difficulties and hardships.
- It does not depend on achievements and successes, unlike self-esteem. This results in a lack of social comparison, a sense of superiority, rumination, pessimistic thought, and mental distress. It also has no relation to narcissism.
- Self-compassionate individuals are often more emotionally intelligent and are focused on learning and growth in their lives and careers. They are less likely to dwell on one mistake or setback, unlike in the case of self-esteem.
Self-compassion Misconceptions
1. It undermines motivation
People often think that self-compassion results in complacency and undermines motivation. Research, however, shows the opposite. For instance, in a series of research experiments, Juliana Breines and Serena Chen of the University of California, Berkeley showed that students who practised self-compassion not only acknowledged their faults but also felt motivated to improve from them.
2. It is a form of self-pity
One of the most common myths about Self-compassion is that it is just a form of self-pity or feeling sorry for oneself, but researches often show the opposite. Self-compassionate people are less likely to pity themselves as they believe in common humanity and that they are not the sole sufferers of problems and accept them as a normal part of life.
3. It is selfish
In a society that confuses kindness with self-sacrifice, self-compassion can be mistaken for selfishness. But self-compassion generates compassion for others. It is a form of recharging oneself to better oneself and help others, too.
Read More: Self-Care vs. Selfishness: Understanding the Fine Line
4. It shows weakness
When faced with a difficult situation, an individual would likely get irritated or run away from it. In such circumstances, it is self-compassion that compels us to acknowledge the difficulty and also to look for a solution moving forward. Thursday’s self-compassion isn’t weakness. Rather, it is an acceptance that encourages individuals to move forward.
5. It is high self-esteem
Higher self-esteem is often linked with a feeling of superiority, being special or above others. However, it is not based on any form of comparison at all. It rather focuses on bettering oneself. Thus, self-compassion is, in truth, very different from high self-esteem.
Practising Self-compassion
1. Self-acceptance
Embracing your own perceived shortcomings as well as your character strengths (Morgado et al., 2014). This involves the acceptance of one’s flaws and shortcomings as just that, and not one’s entire being.
2. Treating oneself as a friend
This technique is based on the core concept of it. This means caring for oneself as one would do for others, say, their friends. It allows a person to make mistakes, acknowledge them and move forward as a better person.
Read More: A Journey of Understanding Oneself: Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy
3. Reframing Dialogues
This involves replacing critical thoughts about one’s actions with a more positive outlook. While positive affirmations might be difficult to reach for some people, looking at one’s thoughts and actions with a different perspective can be beneficial. Whenever you think of yourself as horrible, look into the cause of it. This is a form of self-forgiveness.
Read More: The Science of Forgiveness: How Letting Go Can Improve Your Mental Health
4. Practising Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a core concept of self-compassion. These practices help us to stay grounded and in touch with ourselves and our surroundings. Deep breathing, meditation, yoga and some other exercises not only improve our physical health but also provide mental peace.
5. Reaching out
Communication is a very powerful tool for expressing one’s feelings and emotions. When an individual talks to others, they realise that they are not alone in their pain. It helps in letting go, strengthening connectedness and also understanding what matters.
Read More: Mastering Effective Communication: Building Trust and Strong Relationships
6. Other practices involve
Self-compassion journals, writing letters to oneself, listening to self-affirmation audio, guided meditation, self-touch touch etc.
Read More: How to Cultivate Self-Compassion and Promote Mental Well-being
Self-compassion In Therapy
1. Self-compassion scale
This scale was developed by Kirsten Neff. It helps people to measure their self-compassion on a scale of high, medium and low.
2. Compassion-focused therapy (CFT)
Paul Gilbert developed it and uses compassionate mind training and other techniques to increase an individual’s self-compassion. It particularly focuses on individuals dealing with shame and engaging in self-criticism, caused often by early life adversities such as abuse, trauma or neglect, to produce feelings of satisfaction and safety.
3. Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy
This technique helps in increasing an individual’s self-awareness by showing them the interconnectedness of the mind and body. This increased self-awareness further helps people to realise their problems as common and separate from themselves, rather than over-identification or feeling sorry for themselves. It focuses on hindering negative thoughts and ideas with positive thoughts.
Conclusion
While self-esteem has taken an important place in psychological well-being, research over the years continues to prove self-compassion as not only powerful but a much more stable alternative. The psychology of self-compassion is based on elements of self-kindness, mindfulness and the belief in a common humanity. Where self-esteem demands perfection and needs proof of our worth, self-compassion takes a gentle yet firm approach, providing acceptance even in difficult situations.
Multiple studies in the past two decades by Neff and contemporaries show a correlation of self-compassion with increased emotional resilience and happiness, along with lower social comparison and stress levels. Far from being weak or undermining motivation, it provides encouragement and strength to move forward. Instead of being selfish, it generates compassion for others.
Based on practices of self-care, acceptance, mindfulness, and support, self-compassion does not aim to displace self-esteem entirely, but rather to strengthen it with empathy, responsibility and stability. It’s based not on “What if I fail?” but rather “Even if I do, I’m still worthy.” In a world that clings strongly to achievements as the truest assessment of worth, it is not a form of self-indulgence, but a necessity to be kind, accepting and understanding of oneself.
Read More: Reparenting Yourself: A Self-Healing Trend Rooted in Therapy
FAQs
1. What is self-compassion?
It is a positive attitude toward oneself that involves treating oneself with kindness and warmth even during troubling times. Rather than being overly harsh or critical, it establishes the understanding that mistakes are a part of life and helps a person to acknowledge them and move forward.
2. How is it more powerful than self-esteem?
As it doesn’t rely on external sources to measure self-worth, unlike self-esteem, it is much more stable. It involves supporting oneself even at times of failure and is not based on social comparison. Additionally, research shows a correlation of high self-compassion with positive well-being, while self-esteem is often related to narcissism, entitlement and superiority.
3. How can IT be improved?
It can be improved by various self-care practices, acceptance over judgement, mindful techniques, seeking support, and treating oneself as a friend. Additionally, it can also be done through journaling, self-touch, guided meditation, etc.
References +
What is self-compassion? https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/
Neff K. D. (2009). The Role of Self-Compassion in Development: A Healthier Way to Relate to Oneself. Human development, 52(4), 211–214. https://doi.org/10.1159/000215071 https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2790748/
how-to-practice-self-compassion https://positivepsychology.com/how-to-practice-self-compassion
the_five_myths_of_self_compassion https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_five_myths_of_self_compassion
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