“When I see myself, when I think about myself, I feel like shit. I am so disgusted with myself that I want to puke at myself or maybe even finish myself as I feel unbearable to myself……this me, is just not acceptable to me….” says a 27-year-old struggling with depression, in his therapy session with me. His struggle with himself, his disgust towards self and its parts made me wonder about how the emotion of disgust meant for our survival, threatens our survival when turned inwards.
Disgust is a universal and innate emotion, identified by Charles Darwin 125 years ago. In his book The Expression of Emotions in Man and Animals, he describes disgust as “something revolting primarily concerning the sense of taste, as actually perceived or vividly imagined; and secondarily to anything which causes a similar feeling, through the sense of smell, touch and eyesight” he emphasized that disgust can be felt even through imagination.
We feel disgust to avoid anything contagious in the external world, entering our body. Though disgust ensures the survival of a person in the external world by protecting against contagion, the very survival is at stake when the disgust becomes maladaptive and views the self as a contagion that needs to be avoided, thus making the internal world of the individual extremely contagious. This turning inwards of disgust and attacking the self is called self-disgust. It is a self-conscious emotion that is felt as the aversive affective state in which one feels repulsed by oneself and it entails two facets: physical self-disgust: disgust directed towards physical characteristics ‘I abhor the way my I look’ and behavioural self-disgust: disgust towards one’s actions ‘the way I behave I am revolted by myself’.
Self-directed disgust reactions can occur at any age. It is noted that they form roots throughout childhood and adolescence, where the surrounding socio-cultural environment, the personal rearing experiences and one’s dispositional traits interact with each other and determine whether or not one will experience this maladaptive form of disgust in adulthood. Oftentimes experiences of sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and relational abuse in childhood can result in feeling disgust in adulthood years. If the caregivers around us express disgust about us or certain features of us, we internalize that disgust and start viewing ourselves with the same disgust.
He shares this parental disgust by saying “You know I was always picked for my thin body by my parents and relatives in social gatherings….in school I was mocked by my classmates for being so thin and as I grew up I had body image issues and when looking in the mirror only emotion I would feel disgusted…..I tried level best to suppress it by joining a gym and all….but here I am….” Though self-disgust is often overlapped with self-hatred, shame, self-loathing etc. one of the main differences is that self-disgust is an emotion based on the prewired emotion of disgust; now turned inwards and directed at self, thus linking it to psychopathology.
Self-disgust wages a war against oneself where the mindscape becomes the battleground. If not managed well, overwhelm of self-disgust can make one feel like a failure in the war. When one is repulsed by self, one not only makes every effort to avoid it but also believes that this disgusting self is visible to others and hence, others are to be avoided at all costs so as to avoid being exposed. He describes this struggle as “sometimes I feel I am so pathetic and disgusting and this is visible to others when I meet them….therefore, I hate meeting anyone…for everyone is going to detest my presence and they will know that I am contaminated…. ”
This makes it difficult to have emotionally safe and secure relationships with self and others because vulnerability is required to build relationships and a person disgusted by self will make every single effort to prevent showing the real self as for them self is contaminated. This pushes the person towards isolation. Isolation is a real threat to mental well-being for as isolation increases, feelings of loneliness and, susceptibility to depression increase. He says “There are days when I don’t want to be with myself and I don’t want to be with others…because these feelings smother me 24×7 and no matter how much hard I try I just can’t refrain from these……”The experienced psychological and emotional pain of self-disgust often feels unbearable.
Self-disgust can be managed slowly and effectively through self-help, psychotherapy and counselling. One of the powerful antidotes to self-disgust is self-compassion. As Dalai Lama says “If you want others to be happy use compassion, if you want to be happy use compassion”; self-compassion involves acknowledging the shared human experience of suffering, which aids in acknowledging rather than suppressing or criticizing our suffering. The acknowledgement helps us in creating space for thinking of solutions for alleviating our suffering and taking action for the same.
When I introduced my client to self-compassion he was quick to say, “Do you really think this compassion will work on a person like me?” to which I replied, “This is the most common reaction I get when I introduce my clients to compassion techniques; okay let’s imagine your friend calls you at midnight and says he is in deep trouble and shares how things are not working for him and his life is a mess. Will you tell him that he is a pathetic person and he is worthy of all the emotional pain?”
To which he replied promptly and loudly “No, never…..I would never do such a thing and would rather help him in the best way possible…” Hearing this made me realize how he is so helpful and compassionate towards others but not towards himself and so I said “Are you that compassionate and supportive towards yourself?” there was silence for a few moments and then his answer was “no”. Self-disgust makes us believe that we only deserve hatred and contempt from others. However, when compassion is introduced, inhibitions imposed by self-disgust are reduced.
Mindfulness is another tool for regulating the overwhelm of self-disgust as it helps in creating a boundary with our emotions due to which neither emotions are suppressed nor they are allowed to consume the person. It gives the person autonomy to decide when to engage and when to disengage with these emotions Mindfulness enables us to stop taking our feelings and thoughts as facts. While emotion as complicated as self-disgust doesn’t go away in one or two practices but the attempt made to work on it is itself empowering and as I said to him in the session “baby steps and consistency are the key to moving forward and making the most of process.”
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