Many believe, that past relationships are a sign of failure or time they wasted with the wrong person. Broken relationships do leave us with feelings of sorrow, uncertainty, and guilt but there is a lot of wisdom we can take from them besides these uncomfortable emotions.
Instead of trying to understand why the problem is occurring, the real question is “What am I meant to learn?” Couples often spend time to find answers to their problem, the best way is to focus on the lessons in order to work on the problems together or individually gracefully.
Let’s look at some ways of how we can deal with problems in a relationship:
1. Discuss your problems rather than quarrelling or holding silent grudges within
It is important that as couples, you have mature discussions where you can listen to each other having a productive dialogue. Yes, it’s normal for couples to fight but yelling and shouting is going to do no good.
Take the time to talk things out. Knowing what your partner has to say is very important. The positive point here is that you get to share your thoughts and feelings too.
Make sure to maintain you’re cool, be kind and respect your partner. He/she is someone you love and is not your enemy. A relationship is a “partnership”, treat it as one.
2. “Me time.”
A relationship doesn’t mean that you spend hour’s everyday with each other, merge your identity with the other and forget about your own dreams. Love is when you make most of the moments with each other at the same time honour the space each one needs. A relationship should not be the cause of you losing yourself. So, take and give the ‘me time’ to one another. This “me time” can be used for reflecting, self-inquiry, introspection and meditation about the relationship issues and your role in them. Great solutions can evolve from such “me time”.
3. Be yourself.
If you don’t feel comfortable being exactly who you are in front of your partner, this is a huge red flag.
You can’t live a life that’s fake forever, and if your partner can’t accept you for the good, the bad and the weird — they may not be meant for you. A true partnership demands change and transformation to fit in the “oddities” and “niceties” of your partner.
4. Relationships are a direct reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves.
It is only when you haven’t worked on healing your fears, doubts and insecurities that you will find yourself reacting in a relationship. The moment you recognise this and take responsibility, there is a huge shift you can make towards the way you look at the relationship and the way you perceive problems. In a Marriage and Relationship Counselling, it is always encouraged to act from your higher self because the more you love and value yourself, greater the chances of being loved and valued by your partner.
5. Some relationships are simply here to teach us how to gracefully let go.
In relationships which are abusive, violent or where there is consistent cheating or demeaning involved… it’s time to let go. Letting go gracefully, with complete forgiveness and love for the other person requires understanding and self-forgiveness. Some relationships are brought to us not as the happily ever after, but to teach us how to honourably let go. How to stand up for yourself, learn where you went wrong so as to avoid repeating it, and choose to detach from that which is disturbing your peace. Being able to let go of the past allows us to be fully present emotionally, spiritually and physically in our future relationships.
6. You can only change yourself, and it’s a false belief that you can transform your partner.
Yes, we can together motivate each other to change but expecting that he/she will change the way he/she deals with anger is not honouring who he/she originally is. Change can happen only when there is an internal desire to make a shift. Being pressured to change may lead to temporary improvements, but it’s almost certain to give rise to feelings of resentment or suppression.
If you don’t like when your partner has a short temper, change the way you react. Respond from a space of calm. When you speak in a soft tone of voice, your partner will immediately realise and make a change too. There is difference in saying you wish to change and being the change. When you lead by example your partner will feel motivated to behave differently and change themselves too.
7. You deserve to be treated well and reciprocate that to your partner.
You are an amazing, kind, loving person. Don’t ever let your partner put you down or harm you.
A partner is supposed to make you want to be a better person, rather than make you feel like you don’t deserve good or are useless or hopeless. Sometimes it’s important to let go and not accept certain behaviour. You chose to be in the relationship so that you can feel loved, feel cared for and share good moments together. Find ways to appreciate each other for small and big things, and be grateful.
8. Feeling of security in the relationship is important
Often in counselling, it is observed, especially with the youth, insecurity being the core of a lot of problems couples deal with. As a partner, it is important for you to care about the sanity of the person you love. Thus, making sure that you take equal responsibility of making your partner feel secure and loved each day. Their work might demand them to go places and be with different people every day, but keep your focus on the feeling they give you. If that makes you feel confident and complete then that is it. Sometimes childhood or teenage issues with parents have to be dealt with, by counsellors to get to the root of the insecurities and fears from the past that jade the present relationships.
9. Choose love over lust
Butterflies in the stomach, dressing to impress, texting and talking for hours a night — these are all signs of infatuation and lust. These usually fade with time and love must take their place for the relationship to last. The physical aspects of your relationship is important to understand for both of you, through open dialogues and communication. But, in the end Love is all about accepting imperfections and loving the person as they are. It’s about being authentic and sharing openly without fear of being judged. When you can share the good, the bad and the ugly with someone, the love grows.
10.You complete yourself, that’s it
The famous quote ‘You complete me’ is absolutely false. Do not fall for it. If you looking for validation and love from your partner it won’t always be there and eventually you are going to invite co-dependency issues.
If you aren’t happy with yourself, you won’t find that happiness in a relationship either. You have to cultivate self-love, centeredness and happiness in your life first, through meditation, self-realisations and deeper bond with pure, higher energies, before you can share it with another.
Finally, don’t just “fall in Love” learn to “Rise in Love” together.
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