Why We Become More “Demure” at Work: The Psychology of Workplace Behaviour

Have you ever heard a loud, very busy, and extremely confident friend talk nonstop when you are with friends, but when they come to the office, they become more “demure” and a bit shy? Or do you make your speech politer for an internship or job interview? Many people do. Employees tend to restrain how they speak and act, and even how they express emotion at work. This does not mean that they are giving a false image of themselves; on the contrary, they seek to adapt to the world of work in which their behaviour determines the way in which others perceive them.

But what exactly makes them change the way an individual behaves when they enter a professional setting? And when does adapting to workplace expectations become more than simply being professional? This article delves into psychological reasons behind this shift, from impression management and workplace norms to self-regulation, authenticity and emotional labour. 

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Impression Management 

Psychologically, the primary reason employees seem “more demure” at work is impression management. Impression management is defined as the act of attempting to influence the perception of other people about a person, object, or event. Employees devote time at work that they work to developing professional capabilities, reliability, cooperation, and emotional maturity because these characteristics are relevant to the workplace (Al-Shatti & Ohana, 2021). 

But impression management isn’t always lying or faking. Studies on job interviews reveal that applicants employ honest impression management (honest expressions of one’s true qualities; e.g., presenting one’s best side or appearing interested) and deceptive impression management (faking to appear better than one really is). Honest impression management is often considered to be less negative than faking one’s qualities because one presents one’s true qualities without trying to deceive (Roulin & Bourdage, 2017; Peck & Levashina, 2017). 

For example: a new employee is at their first team meeting with all their new colleagues, and the manager says to the group, ‘Does anyone want to add anything?’ The new employee actually knows the answer, but just holds back until the manager has finished giving their opinion. The employee isn’t shy, quiet or lacking in confidence; instead, they are being respectful and waiting for the right moment to speak. A similar thing is when someone is very funny in social situations with friends, but during a high-level meeting about an important project, they don’t make a joke. Employees can develop behaviours like this that will make other people like, trust and respect them at work. 

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Workplace Norms and Self-Regulation 

People seem more demure and reserved in the workplace for another reason; each workplace has its own set of norms; these are the expectations of how employees should behave in that environment. Some companies feel that employees should have freedom of expression at work; others prefer their employees to be more formal when communicating with higher levels of management.

New employees take time to get used to the norms before they feel comfortable in expressing themselves. Researchers found that a person adapts their behaviour depending on the situation at work because all impressions are created differently depending on who the audience is; impressions are not the same wherever you are (Roulin & Bourdage, 2017). 

It is also related to self-awareness, meaning how well a person understands the emotions he or she is experiencing. For example, the customer service representative may remain patient with a difficult client, or a teacher may maintain an upbeat tone with students after a stressful day. But by controlling their emotions in a good way, the person can form good relationships and be a good team player, but the researchers warn that it can also be mentally taxing if employees think they must “watch what they say and feel they can’t always be themselves” (Al-Shatti & Ohana, 2021; Roulin & Bourdage, 2017). 

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Gender and Cultural Influences 

However, none of us responds to professional behaviour in the same way. In general, gender and cultural differences influence our experience of what is considered “appropriate” behaviour at work. For some, there is a responsibility to give the appearance of caring, kind and collaborative behaviour (which in some would be considered stereotypically feminine), whereas in others, it would be considered necessary to be “assertive”, “confident” and a “decision-maker” (considered stereotypical masculine qualities).

Still others from high Respect for Authority cultures are conditioned to avoid raising their voice in disagreement or emotion in the presence of superiors when in meetings. The net effect in such cases is that the employees behave differently; for instance, they are more likely to be involved in impression management not because they are being devious but because they are trying to adapt to their environment and avoid being negatively evaluated by others. In fact, the use of impression management has been shown to be system-sensitive and contingent on the situation, organisational climate and the expectations held by others (Al-Shatti & Ohana, 2021; Roulin & Bourdage, 2017). 

However, research on social observation has also found that people become more vigilant of their behaviour in the presence of a watcher as they are mentally preparing for the monitoring process, as indicated by activity in the brain regions that are associated with social monitoring (Yoon et al., 2021). For example, a young man is usually a loudmouth when he is with his friends. However, when he enters a room with all the senior managers, he becomes much more withdrawn than usual instead of talking about himself. As the saying goes, it’s not the man who has changed but his circumstances. 

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Professionalism Does Not Mean Hiding Your True Self 

Getting around professional behaviour: We can modify our behaviour, but that doesn’t mean we need to hide ourselves. Professionalism is about conduct, words and expressions of emotion which are respectful, appropriate and ethical. It is not about being “forced to be someone else”. 

Studies of authenticity at work have shown that workers experience more engagement at work when they feel able to present themselves and behave in ways that are consistent with their true values and identity. They also experience greater motivation and less burnout while still acting professionally (Van den Bosch & Taris, 2018). A second study, meanwhile, showed a positive relationship between authenticity and a good person-job fit and employee psychological well-being. It also found a positive relationship with job satisfaction (Van den Bosch et al., 2019).

Picture an employee who has a strong desire to assist her fellow work colleagues, and who is always friendly and personable. She does not have to hide this aspect of her personality in order to appear to be more professional. Although she might speak to the customer in a more formal way than she would to a good friend. 

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When Acting “Demure” Becomes Unhealthy 

Acting is part of self-control, but maintaining a facade constantly or disconnecting from emotions can be stressful. Customer service employees, teachers, healthcare workers, and other service workers must maintain a professional attitude. They must do so even when they feel frustrated, tired, or angry with a customer. People refer to this as emotional labour.

Evidence shows that employees who do a lot of surface acting are more likely to report feelings of anxiety, depression, and burnout. Surface acting involves hiding their true emotions and pretending to feel another way. In comparison, employees who express their emotions more authentically are less likely to report these feelings. On the other hand, employees who use deep acting try to change how they genuinely feel rather than simply act as if they feel that way. This approach tends to support better well-being (Huang et al., 2019).

Other research suggests that managing impressions all the time can even drain a person’s self-control resources. It can also cause fatigue, especially if they think that they need to do it all the time to maintain a perfect appearance (Zhang et al., 2023). For instance, think of a receptionist who is being routinely rude to other people, but has to continue smiling. It’s part of the job, but it might cause mental fatigue over time if the company does not help the employee. 

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Conclusion 

Is everybody more “demure” at work? In many cases, it is yes. Everybody becomes less noisy, more serious, and more considerate at work than they are outside the workplace. They want to make a good impression on others. They also want to follow the norms and standards of the workplace. Also, they want to develop good relationships with their colleagues, managers, and customers. They also behave according to the demands of the workplace and the working situation they are in. But being professional does not mean it is necessary to hide oneself or never say what you think.

To be professional is to treat others well, speak and behave appropriately, be ethical and control your emotions in a healthy way. At the same time, everyone should feel free to express what they want, believe in, and stand for. This allows them to be themselves without fear of judgment. So, people should not consider working in a more “demure” way as being true to themselves. It is about managing the inconsistency between the workplace and personal life. The healthiest place to work is where employees can behave professionally and be themselves.

References +

• Al-Shatti, E., & Ohana, M. (2021). Impression management and career-related outcomes: A systematic literature review. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 701694. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.701694 
• Huang, S., Yin, H., & Tang, L. (2019). Emotional labour in knowledge-based service relationships: The roles of self-monitoring and display rule perceptions. Frontiers in Psychology, 10, 801. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00801 
• Peck, J. A., & Levashina, J. (2017). Impression management and interview and job performance ratings: A meta-analysis of research design with tactics in mind. Frontiers in Psychology, 8, 201. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00201 
• Roulin, N., & Bourdage, J. S. (2017). Once an impression manager, always an impression manager? Antecedents of honest and deceptive impression management use and variability across multiple job interviews. Frontiers in Psychology, 8, 29. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00029 
• Van den Bosch, R., & Taris, T. W. (2018). Authenticity at work: Its relations with worker motivation and well-being. Frontiers in Communication, 3, 21. https://doi.org/10.3389/fcomm.2018.00021 
• Van den Bosch, R., Taris, T. W., Schaufeli, W. B., Peeters, M. C. W., & Reijseger, G. (2019). Authenticity at work: A matter of fit? The Journal of Psychology, 153(2), 247–266. https://doi.org/10.1080/00223980.2018.1516185 
• Yoon, L., Kim, K., & Jung, D. (2021). Roles of the MPFC and insula in impression management under social observation. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 16(4), 406–416. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsab008 
• Zhang, Y., et al. (2023). The double-edged sword effect of employee impression management and counterproductive work behaviour: From the perspective of self-control resource theory. Frontiers in Psychology, 14. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1053784