We often advise our loved ones about leaving someone they aren’t happy living with. Belongingness is an innate human need. It is related to our mental as well as physical well-being. In order to fulfil this need, we form positive social connections and relationships. But not all relationships support our well-being and survival. We often hear people around us saying their relationship feels like walking on eggshells.
We often think, why do we miss someone who caused us so much pain? Why does separation feel painful in an unsafe relationship? These are the signs of a trauma bond. We often see ourselves and people around us feel stuck in relationships that are harmful to them. Such relationships are trauma bonds. This article reflects upon trauma bonds and why they’re maintained.
What are Trauma Bonds?
Trauma bonds are powerful, the emotional attachments that are formed in abusive relationships. It refers to the connection that the victim feels towards the perpetrator. A deep and emotionally unhealthy bond is developed with the abuser. This explains the behaviour of most of the people returning to their abusers in relationships. For example, someone is maintaining a friendship with a manipulative friend.
While healthy relationships offer consistency, trust, safety and security, mutual respect, trauma bonds are built upon imbalances and cycles of abuse and affection. Such bonds can be seen in many interpersonal relationships, including romantic trauma bonding, parental trauma bonding, workplace trauma bonding, friendship trauma bonding or hostage trauma bonding.
When the first incident of abuse occurs, it is often considered an anomaly due to the novelty of the relationship. Also, there is a perceived lack of severity and a belief that it will not be repeated. Repeated incidents lead to the introjection of blame. Till the time the victim realises that it is inescapable, the trauma-produced emotional bond gets strengthened. Signs and symptoms of trauma bonds involve experiencing a cycle of love bombing and maltreatment, your needs are disregarded and seen as selfish, you cover up or lie about your mistreatment, hyper vigilance towards threats, isolation from friends and family, feelings of anger towards partner, emotional addiction to good times and hence difficulty leaving the relationship.
Read More: Somatic Experiencing and Body-Based Trauma Therapy for Survivors of Known-Perpetrator Abuse
How are Trauma bonds maintained?
A study by Dutton and Painter (1981) highlights two specific features of why deep emotional attachments are formed: intermittent good-bad treatment and power imbalances. Trauma bonds work on the psychological principle of intermittent reinforcement. When a partner experiences sudden bursts of affection, love, gifts, care, and compliments immediately after an incident of abuse or violence, the victim may fall for the false hope that the abuser will return to the honeymoon phase of the relationship. It is similar to how gamblers are hooked to play even after massive losses, for the one potential win.
Power imbalances occur when the attachment to a person is stronger than the self (McClelland1975). While such attachment may increase personal power, an individual may sometimes feel subordinate or less powerful. According to social psychologists, unequal power relationships become unbalanced over time. Such a power dynamic can cause pathology. A clear example of this is Zimbardo’s prison simulation experiment, where participants experienced anxiety and depression while playing the role of prisoners.
Psychological Mechanisms Underlying Trauma Bonds
The victim may internalize abuser’s perspective of themselves. As power imbalance increases, there is an increased negative impact on the victim’s self-appraisal, and they may view themselves as incapable of defending themselves and feel more in need of the dominator. The same happens with the perpetrator. They experience an inflated sense of self and hence are more in need of the victim to experience it.
Another equally important factor identified is survival instincts and cognitive dissonance. The victim believes that cooperating with the abusers’ demands and submitting to their domination increases the chances of survival. Cognitive dissonance may be experienced when there exists conflicts between their emotions, beliefs and behaviour. To ease their psychological discomfort, they may engage in rationalisation, which involves justifying the abuser’s behaviour.
Other factors that influence trauma bonds include childhood maltreatment, attachment insecurity, age and gender (Emma Virginia Shaughnessy, 2022). Theorists also posit that women face difficulty leaving the abusive relationship because they’ve learned to endure mistreatment. Also socialisation process plays an important role as women are considered responsible for the success or failure of a relationship. Leaving the relationship is considered a loss of a highly valued role and loss of self (Anderson and Saunders, 2003). Studies also suggest that common reasons behind continuing with living in trauma bonds include economic reliance, fear of new beginnings, loss of self-worth and worry about the child’s life (Dipela and Ndhlovu, 2025).
Stages of Trauma Bonding
Stage 1: Love Bombing and Idealisation
At the beginning of the relationship, there is excessive attention, affaction and promises that create a powerful bond initially.
Stage 2: Trust and Dependency
The victim then starts trusting the partner and becomes emotionally dependent on them. The expectations are set up for how the relationship will look.
Read More: Co-Dependency in Romantic Relationships
Stage 3: Criticism and Devaluation
The episodes and incidents of abuse begin. The victim first believes that it is due to their actions, but as the episodes increase, there is an increase in criticism and devaluation of the victim.
Stage 4: Manipulation and Control
Controlling behaviours begin to appear. Behaviours like gaslighting, isolation and emotional manipulation increase control.
Stage 5: Resignation and Acceptance
The victim begins to accept the abuse and tries to validate it by finding blame in their own behaviour. They start making efforts to adjust their behaviour and expectations to adjust to the abuser. There is a loss of sense of self, and engages in the role of pleasing the abuser.
Stage 6: Reconciliation
After the episode of abuse, there is a period of tension and abuse which is followed by efforts of reconciliation and temporary peace, including gestures of love, gifts and compliments.
Stockholm syndrome
Stockholm syndrome is a psychological phenomenon in which victims form an emotional attachment with their captors or abusers. It is a clear example of trauma bonds. This phenomenon was first identified in 1973 when a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden, took place. Perpetrators kidnapped four hostages who developed an emotional bond with their perpetrator. Victims were seen failing to press charges and even physically attacking police officers when they arrived to rescue them. They began to identify with the perpetrator and empathise with him/her. It appears to be an unconscious emotional response to the fear of being captive. Hence, trauma bonds can be understood as bonding due to fear and survival.
Conclusion
Trauma bonds can significantly impact one’s emotional and physical well-being. Intermittent positive interactions can make it difficult to move out of the relationship. The first step to healing from such bonds is awareness of them. Establishing boundaries and increasing autonomy can help regain a sense of self and confidence. The victim must engage in learning skills for emotional processing and regulation. Seeking social support helps empower the victim to make an informed decision and come out of the situation.
Question Explained by Experts
Question: What psychological barriers make leaving an abusive relationship so difficult?
According to Educationsist, Positive Psychologist, Independent Researcher Dr Deepthi Balla, being in a relationship is a protective barrier against both societal and emotional threats. Society will blame the partners who leave the relationship for abuse. Abuse tolerance is expected in relationships, both by society and the parents. A female with financial independence comes out of the relationship easily.
Male though bears abuse silently for the fear of being taunted that his wife left home (in lay terms male ego hurts) and his dependency on his wife. It is observed that wives habituate this dependency. Both genders ponder the effect of retaliating against the abuse on the other parties, like the partner and the dependents, and also ponder how the left-out partner could live without the other.
Further, interpersonal expectancies regardingthe acceptable level of abuse, early life modelling indicating abuse is a part of a relationship and social image being negatively affected if abuse is retaliated could be some factors. Often, wives feel that it is their duty to care for the abusive partner. For instance, in the case of an alcoholic husband, “only I can bear him”, says the wife nonchalantly. The victim often does not let others interfere. Addiction to abusive behaviour was noted among wives. Trauma bonding, Stockholm syndrome and Fawning are some abuse-addicted scenarios. Finally, it echoes in the news lately that there is more social support for the abuser than the abused. These make the victims adopt silence and dare not take any action against it.
Refrences +
CNC, A. R. (2025, November 6). Understanding trauma bonding. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/trauma-bonding-5207136
Dutton, Donald & Painter, Susan. (1993). Emotional Attachments in Abusive Relationships: A Test of Traumatic Bonding Theory. Violence and victims. 8. 105-20. 10.1891/0886-6708.8.2.105.
Shaughnessy, E. V., Simons, R. M., Simons, J. S., & Freeman, H. (2023). Risk factors for traumatic bonding and associations with PTSD symptoms: A moderated mediation. Child Abuse & Neglect, 144, 106390. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2023.106390
Trauma bonding. (2025, November 10). Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/trauma-bonding
Arabi, S., MA. (2019, March 31). Narcissists use trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement to get you addicted to them: Why abuse survivors stay. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/03/narcissists-use-trauma-bonding-and-intermittent-reinforcement-to-get-you-addicted-to-them-why-abuse-survivors-stay
Normand, M. C. (n.d.). At risk of losing themselves : emotionally abused women and the traumatic bond. Smith ScholarWorks. https://scholarworks.smith.edu/theses/621/
Anderson, D. K., & Saunders, D. G. (2003). Leaving an abusive partner: An empirical review of predictors, the process of leaving, and psychological well-being. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 4(2), 163-191. doi:10.1177/1524838002250769
Dipela, M. P., & Ndhlovu, G. R. (2025). Invisible chains: structural and emotional forces behind women’s continued stay in abusive relationships. International Journal of Business Ecosystem and Strategy (2687-2293), 7(4), 187–196. https://doi.org/10.36096/ijbes.v7i4.841
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