The fear of being a failure to the parents is an implicit weight that is borne by diverse people of various ages and cultures. It influences the choices and affects the feelings and, in many cases, even self-esteem in old age. This panic is not a sudden occurrence. Rather, it is formed over time with childhood experiences, family requirements, and the human need to be liked. By learning the psychology behind it, people get to develop healthier emotional patterns and be more open with their families.
Roots in Childhood: The way childhood experiences determine this fear
The first messages about success and failure, as well as worth, are delivered by the parents. When children are conditionally accepted by being appreciated only when they act in a particular manner or when they succeed in certain outcomes, they develop beliefs associated with conditional acceptance. It has been found that perceived parental conditional regard, which is approval only when expectations are met, causes emotional pressure and anxiety (Assor et al., 2004). Children start believing that love is not something given, but earned.
These, such as early trends, shape the way in which children judge themselves. Internal rules can be formed as a result of criticism, comparison or excessively high expectations: I must never fail, I must always make them proud. These rules, over time, are entrenched in identity. Consequently, a bit of mistakes can lead to a sense of guilt or the fear of disappointing parents.
Cultural and Social Expectations
The strength of this fear is largely influenced by culture. Family honour, school achievements and obedience are key values in most societies. Parents can either talk directly or indirectly, and in most cases, they think that they are trying to make their children succeed. They have also demonstrated the potential of parental involvement and high expectations to impact the motivation of children, and that they can cause pressure in case of excessive rigidity of the expectations (Pomerantz & Wang, 2009).
Social comparison is also important. Seeing peers perform better or being complimented by families makes children have the idea that any failure on their part is a sign of poor performance on the part of their parents. It gives the view that failure in people translates to disappointment in the family, enhancing the emotional burden.
The Identity and Self-Worth Role
A child starts building his or her identity as they develop. The necessity to get parental consent is incorporated into the self-concept. The studies relating to interpersonal relatedness reveal that most people tend to adopt a self-worth system that requires much external validation, particularly of parents (Blatt and Zuroff, 1992). When it occurs, disappointing the parents is equivalent to disappointing oneself.
Children who associate success with love or acceptance tend to bring such implications into adult life. Consequently, the pressure is internal, and it exists even in cases when parents are understanding or supportive. This fear, which one gives oneself, makes one an influential decision-maker. It can affect career decisions, relationships or personal aspirations, and most of the time, individuals tend to make safe choices that are in accordance with the perceived parental expectations.
Psychological Factors: Anxiety, Perfectionism, and People-Pleasing
There are people who are more susceptible to this fear based on their psychological inclination. It has been established that perfectionism and fear of failure have close relationships, and these two factors are influenced by parental pressure and expectations (Frost et al., 1990; Herman and Ostrander, 2007). Perfectionistic people tend to think that a performance below perfection will fail their parents.
Parental psychological control, which involves the induction of guilt, withdrawal of love, or even excessive monitoring, is another factor. Research indicates that parenting that is psychologically controlling enhances anxiety and overdependence on parental goodness (Barber, 1996). In this kind of environment, the children are taught to do it right at all costs since making a mistake has the potential of resulting in emotional outcomes.
These dynamics also result in people-pleasing behaviours. They are based on avoidance motivation, that is, doing something to avoid negative consequences instead of attaining self-goals. Studies conducted on achievement motivation indicate that fear-oriented goals are usually a result of concerns about failure of important persons in power, such as parents (Elliot and Church, 1997).
The consequences of this fear are emotional
The intimidation of not pleasing parents is an emotional impact that will be felt in the long run. Others are under chronic stress due to the fact that they are always expecting to be criticised or disapproved. This pressure can result in anxiety, inability to make decisions, and the absence of confidence. Teenagers who have high parental expectations tend to record a decrease in emotional well-being and worry more when considering failure (Qin et al., 2012).
Also, family communication can be affected. Children fear disappointing their parents and, therefore, conceal errors, do not discuss issues, and suppress their needs. This will cause emotional distance with time, even when there is great affection. In other situations, the fear can be so intense that people do not take risks or new opportunities because they are afraid that failure will be a bad portrayal of their family.
How to Break the Cycle: Healthy Refrains to Rebuild Fear
To eliminate this cycle, there is no need to deny parents and their advice. It entails the knowledge of the inner attitudes and the acquisition of healthier means of interacting with expectations.
To begin with, internal validation should be developed so as to minimise the dependence on external validation. This is the assessment of self-efforts, values and progress without considering the expectations of parents as the gauge of achievement. Self-reflection and self-compassion are among the practices that aid this change.
Second, open communication can change the dynamics of the family. Discussing worries about pressure, fear, or expectations creates space to be understood. Parents do not know the extent of the stress that they cause by their words or reactions. Being open and honest usually leads to fewer misunderstandings and allows renegotiating expectations. Third, one needs to learn how to establish boundaries. Boundaries define personal limits, and people consider respect. They assist people to make choices that are in line with their values and not parental choices.
Lastly, adopting resilience enables individuals to see failures as developmental and not failures. In the studies of feedback, process-based praise, which praises effort rather than achievement, results in decreased fear of disappointing people and also a healthier motivation (Kamins and Dweck, 1999). This set of measures promotes emotional independence without breaking family ties. Rather, they establish a healthier relationship where they no longer do they fear approval and, as a result, do not fear it.
Conclusion
Childhood experiences, culture, and culturally grounded beliefs regarding self-esteem inspire this fear of failing parents. This fear is rather widespread but may restrain personal development and emotional health. Learning its psychological background can teach people to overcome unhealthy habits and construct more supportive and open relations. Having self-knowledge, communication, and strength, one may respect the relationships with parents as well as develop independence and confidence.
References +
Assor, A., Roth, G., & Deci, E. L. (2004). The emotional costs of perceived parental conditional regard. Journal of Personality, 72(1), 47–88.
Barber, B. K. (1996). Parental psychological control: Revisiting a neglected construct. Child Development, 67(6), 3296–3319.
Blatt, S. J., & Zuroff, D. C. (1992). Interpersonal relatedness and self-definition. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(3), 527–539.
Elliot, A. J., & Church, M. A. (1997). A hierarchical model of approach and avoidance achievement motivation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72(1), 218–232.
Frost, R. O., Marten, P., Lahart, C., & Rosenblate, R. (1990). The dimensions of perfectionism. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 14(5), 449–468.
Herman, K. C., & Ostrander, R. (2007). Students’ fear of failure and perfectionism. Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, 25(2), 75–88.
Kamins, M. L., & Dweck, C. S. (1999). Person versus process praise and criticism. Developmental Psychology, 35(3), 835–847.
Pomerantz, E. M., & Wang, Q. (2009). The role of parental involvement and expectations in children’s motivation. Child Development Perspectives, 3(3), 175–180.
Qin, L., Rak, E., Rana, S., & Donnellan, M. B. (2012). Parent expectations and emotional outcomes among adolescents. Journal of Adolescence, 35(3), 629–640.
Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2005). Antecedents and outcomes of controlling parenting. Journal of Marriage and Family, 67(3), 581–595.
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