The Fantasy of Disappearing: New City, New Self

As individuals grow older, they experience a transition from Young adolescence to adults a lot of shifts happen to take place. One of the major shifts young adults experience is shifting or moving to a new city. Moving out of one’s home can be due to several reasons, such as pursuing higher education, better job opportunities, treatment services, etc. These are some reasons why individuals have to move out of their native place. These are certain obligations. 

However, what if an individual has a well-settled job, has already pursued their higher education in their city, but still aspires to go somewhere else? Some individuals wish or dream to leave everything behind and start a completely new life. When the desire is extremely strong, some individuals actually end up shifting to a new city. Indeed, shifting to a new city may sound like a thrilling experience. It would be interesting to question why exactly individuals want to leave everything behind and disappear. Why do individuals want to start a new life where nobody knows them? Why do individuals associate that life will become better once they leave their old place?

This article aims to answer these questions and explore the psychology behind why people dream of leaving everything behind and starting a new life. Considering the new self, it is important to know what the self-concept actually is. How is a self acquired, and what are the major influences on the self? Self-concept helps in building an individual’s identity. The concepts below will help to understand what the self-concept is and how it influences the identity of an individual over the life span. Moving out is a crucial decision, and it comes from the type of self and identity that helps individuals to frame decisions.

Understanding Self-Concept

Self-concept, in simple terms, is our overall image and the awareness an individual has about oneself. The self-concept includes all the perceptions, values, and feelings about oneself. The self-concept is complex because our self includes many other selves. However, the self-concept brings it to one singular aspect. An individual’s self-concept assures them that no matter how the situation changes, they will remain the same. Our self has five essential components: Self-image – the image which we have about oneself, self-esteem – the overall opinion about oneself, self-efficacy the belief in one’s ability to complete certain tasks, body image – the perception of what others think about one’s body(Krish et al., 2013). 

The self-concept is influenced by both Internal and external sources of information. It is interesting to note that little of our self-concept is actually influenced by an individual’s own beliefs. The self is influenced by: Members of the society, Culture, Political environment, Peer Group, Close family members, etc.              

Identity Formation

Identity Formation plays a key role in the development of the self-concept. According to the famous developmental psychologist Erik Erikson, identity formation has to go through several crises. His famous theory of the Psychosocial Development advocates that an individual passes through a total of eight stages of development, which is identity formation.

During each stage, an individual should resolve the conflicts in order to move ahead. Success and failure in each stage determine the identity formation of an individual later in life. According to James Marcia and her theory on Identity, an individual has to either resolve the conflict and make their decision independently, or they have to listen to their subordinates and act accordingly. The self and identity are what make each individual unique from one another, and they keep influencing throughout the lifespan. 

Read More: What are the Psychosocial Stages of Development: Who gave them?

What could be the drivers behind this fantasy?

1. Difficult Childhood

Before tracing the current situation of an individual, it is important to trace the past. If an individual had a difficult childhood, such as being bullied in school, having a difficult time making friends, or not being treated well by their parents can contribute to the desire to move out in adulthood. If they were never given a safe space in their childhood, they now want to create a safe space for themselves. Due to a difficult childhood, an individual might be low on self-confidence and self-esteem, and they would have an overall low self-image.

After a certain point in time, our brain starts to associate negative memories with people, places and even objects. According to Wardell (2023), children with early childhood adversity showed a strong associative memory. The brain becomes fixated on the idea that the only solution to forget negative memories is to leave the place and start a new life somewhere in a new city. 

2. Parenting Styles and Affection

Parenting styles, in simple words, mean the way in which parents raise their children. In all, there are four types of parenting styles: Authoritarian, Authoritative, Neglected, and Permissive. Research has found that the ideal type of parenting is Authoritative Parenting. Parents in this type of parenting set clear boundaries and expectations for their children. While considering the remaining three, the children don’t really get response, affection, timely love and care(Arafat et al., 2020). Distance leads to a lack of affection, and individuals lose emotional attachment. At a point where the absence of their family members doesn’t bother them, rather it brings peace to them. 

Read More: Different Parenting Styles: How it Affects the Development of the Child

3. Barriers in essential developmental Stages

Referring to Erikson’s psychosocial stages of development, all the stages are equally important, but the second stage of Autonomy vs Shame/doubt is extremely important. If a child is not allowed to be independent or is not allowed to explore things by himself, it creates a dependence and low self – esteem in the later part of their life. In adulthood, the individual will have a hard time making crucial decisions in life. Individuals start to understand their weaknesses in life as they grow older. If an individual understands that it is important for them to start living alone, make bold decisions alone, they might desire to move out and start everything fresh(Saul McLeod,2025). 

Read More: How To Overcome Low Self-Esteem?

4. Marital Discord

If an individual has witnessed marital discord between the parents, then it can be one of the driving factors. Parents and children both have to suffer mentally and physically. Parents who make the decision to separate have a lasting impact on children. There is a lack of family security, love, peace and affection. Individuals associate everything with the home and aspire to leave everything behind. In a research study, it was estimated that 65% had poor relationships with fathers and 30% with their mothers after separation(Zill et al.,1993).

Anonymity: Nobody knows who you are

The primary reason being in a completely new city, nobody knows the individual, hence there is no fear of being judged, criticised, humiliated or even pointed out for flaws. Individuals, after a certain point in life, find it thrilling to discover their potential, which is their self-actualisation and aspire to discover more of their personality. It is paradoxical to consider that anonymity assures a safe space while familiarity does not. Moving out from family and starting a new life in a completely new city is still considered a hot topic to be discussed(Elsevier,2026).  

Social Identity Theory

According to Zenker (2014), Individuals often associate themselves with the city, which matches their self – concept. Individuals establish an emotional connection with the city if the city matches an individual’s personality and lifestyle. This notion and finding connect well with the social Identity Theory, where individuals connect better with groups/community/places if they reflect on who they are. Place complexity is an important factor. Place complexity means the diversity that a place holds in terms of culture, lifestyle, etc. Due to which an individual finds parts of the city to feel the belongingness. This research further demonstrated that individuals who develop strong city identification are satisfied, happy, and committed to the new place.   

Moving out invites changes in self

According to Oishi (2017), individuals who move out tend to develop a more flexible and adaptable self – identity. These individuals become easily adjustable as discussed above in the section on barriers to developmental stages. Individuals who actually move become a lot more independent. This research paper also demonstrated that individuals who have a lot of residential mobility have few deep connections with people, and they have less stable relationships. Individuals become self-reliant and independent in decision-making.      

Romanticsing moving out

In the recent decade, moving out to metropolitan cities has been romanticised to a large extent. The main sources of romanticising moving out are: Bollywood movies, Worldwide cinema and Social media. Certain movies feel like home and can resonate well with an individual’s life. Today, people on the internet have started to come up and share their stories via written posts, vlogs and documenting their lives. According to Narrative Identity Theory, individuals create narratives about themselves and especially about their future, how they came to be, and who they were in their past. They gradually start to narrate stories to themselves about how they would actually go to a completely new city and start a new life. This narrative identity theory alleviates romanticisation of moving out(McAdams et al.,2013).   

A case snippet

Alice was a 23-year-old girl who dreamed of moving out. She was well – settled in her hometown, and she had completed her higher education as well. What motivated her continuously was the thought of exploring life on her own terms. She wanted to explore her capacity, she wanted to make mistakes, and she wanted to meet new people. Growing up, Alice was never encouraged to initiate tasks, and she was never encouraged to make independent decisions. Her desire to move out today has its roots in her childhood. After saving money, she made a bold decision to move out to her dream city and was leading a somewhat happy life. Though she had to face certain challenges, she never gave up on her dream.         

Conclusion

The fantasy of disappearing, wanting a new self, is not merely about leaving an old place, but it is more about regaining who individuals truly are. Some individuals are successful in doing so, whereas some are not. The primary factor behind this decision to implement is strong financial stability. It is understandable because starting a new life in a new city requires financial backup. Individuals also have to navigate how to start a new life and create a safe space for themselves. It is often said that freedom comes with a great responsibility.

Most often, a maladaptive environment is what is the driving factor behind disappearing. Moving out, along with individuals being anonymous, brings responsibility. Considering parents and the impact it has on the family is described as Empty Nest Syndrome. This syndrome means that when children move out to either explore living alone or due to job opportunities, the parents become empty and feel emotionally heavy, as they now have to live alone without their children. Here, the Nest implies the home. Moving out, changing residence brings many changes within individuals; there could be meaningful life experiences and transformation, and this crucial decision is solely based on everyone’s subjective experience.

References +

1. Elsevier. (n.d.). Anonymity. In ScienceDirect Topics. Elsevier. Retrieved May 22, 2026, from ScienceDirect Topics – Anonymity 
2. McAdams, D. P., & McLean, K. C. (2013). Narrative identity. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 22(3), 233–238. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721413475622⁠
3. Kirsh, S. J., Duffy, K. G., & Atwater, E. (2013). Psychology for living: Adjustment, growth, and behaviour today (11th ed.). Pearson.
4. Zill, N., Morrison, D. R., & Coiro, M. J. (1993). Long-term effects of parental divorce on parent-child relationships, adjustment, and achievement in young adulthood. Journal of Family Psychology, 7(1), 91–103. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.7.1.91
5. Wardell, V. (2023). How childhood adversity relates to associative memory for emotional stimuli (T). University of British Columbia. Retrieved from https://open.library.ubc.ca/collections/ubctheses/24/items/1.0435203 
6. Arafat, S. M. Y., Akter, H., Islam, M. A., Shah, M. M. A., & Kabir, R. (2020). Parenting: Types, effects and cultural variation. Asian Journal of Pediatric Research, 3(3), 32–36. https://doi.org/10.9734/AJPR/2020/v3i330130
7. Zenker, S., & Petersen, S. (2014). An Integrative Theoretical Model for Improving Resident-City Identification. Environment and Planning A: Economy and Space, 46(3), 715-729.https://doi.org/10.1068/a46191
8. Oishi, S. (2010). The Psychology of Residential Mobility: Implications for the Self, Social Relationships, and Well-Being. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 5(1), 5-21.  https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691609356781