Why Reassurance Feels Good But Doesn’t Always Help Anxiety

One way to define reassurance is as a particular type of direction meant to allay anxieties. It lessens or gets rid of needless anxiety, especially when it comes to one’s physical or mental health. Physicians most often employ reassurance among the different types of counselling, which has substantial therapeutic benefits. Anxiety signals to us that we should feel threatened by uncertainty.

The Human Craving for Certainty

As humans, we crave certainty, and we envision an ideal way to achieve “safety” in thinking that we need to be aware of EVERYTHING that is happening to feel safe; otherwise, we believe we are in danger and in a position where our worst fear may happen. One of the means by which we search for certainty is by searching for reassurance.

We search for information and/or opinions that help us to reassure ourselves that all is well. Seeking reassurance is an endless cycle. In the pursuit of seeking reassurance, we attempt to soothe the fear of the unknown, which provides only fleeting relief for, maybe, a few seconds, and we feel better. Then the feeling fades, because there are so many situations where we just can’t be certain. We can never be certain about the future.

Therefore, reassurance works as an allopathic medicine; it gives a sense of relief at first, but in the long run, it doesn’t help with anxiety. It’s a temporary escape from your emotions and feelings. Seeking reassurance in uncertain situations is normal. Problems arise when reassurance is valued above all else, especially with anxiety or OCD, and it becomes a compulsive need for certainty.

Seeking reassurance, rather than reducing anxiety so that it “relaxes”, is indirect reinforcement of the loops of worry we create in our minds and all the checking, Googling, debating, and thinking we do, which prolongs the obsessiveness. The problem lies in the fact that this obsessive behaviour is often not about the lack of information or evidence; it is about the fact that we can’t tolerate uncertainty.

Read More: How Fear, Uncertainty, and Trust Shape Buying Behavior in Crises

The Reinforcement of Anxiety

Reassurance is only temporary because we merely reinforce the anxious thoughts through negative reinforcement. When it comes to a question or doubt that we encounter in the moment, we actually do the paradoxical thing of trying hard to “get rid” of the doubt, which solidifies it. Someone can be trapped by even subtle forms of reassurance that try to avoid being associated with obsessive questioning, like analysing facial expressions, repeating reassuring thoughts, or saying similar phrases to ourselves.

Read More: The Role and Impact of Reinforcement Schedules in Shaping Behaviour

Breaking the Cycle with the DEAF Method

The only way to break free from this cycle is to alter one’s perspective, realising that doubt is a necessary component of decision-making and that certainty is a feeling rather than a fact by definition. A useful strategy to navigate this tricky road towards better tolerating uncertainty is referred to as the DEAF method: Distinguish between the real danger and distress, Embrace uncertainty, Avoid reassurance, and Float after you have conceptualised the uncertainty with time and difficulty tolerance. This method helps individuals to innovate better and allows them to understand that uncertainty is normal and that attempting to eliminate or disrupt it ultimately weakens anxiety over time.

Read More: Disability-Affirmative Therapy

Examples of Reassurance-Seeking Behaviour

1. Medical or Health Context

“A question that a patient might ask their doctor over and over again is: ‘Are you certain this isn’t something serious?'”  Going through check-ups with a million different doctors after incessantly reading about the symptoms online.

2. Relationships

You may find yourself enquiring, “Are you mad at me?” or “Do you still love me?” with your partner. Like repeatedly asking, “Was it something I said?”

3. Academics/Work

Questioning your boss or professor, “Was my answer okay?” “Are you certain this is what you wanted?” Needing the feedback again and again in order to feel accepted or competent.

4. Situations Involving Anxiety or OCD

Constantly ensuring that they haven’t offended somebody somewhere. Even when they’re checking, they’re going to make sure the cooker is off or the door is locked.

Read More: The Need for Reassurance in Relationship

How Reassurance is a Problem

Reassurance sounds very much like an apparent antidote to anxiety. Mulling over a situation might have given one a little comfort and clarity. But ultimately, the anxiety may end up increasing if one depends on reassurance for relief. Here’s why:

1. Reassurance Becomes a Habitual Drain

The more often we seek it, the more we start depending on it. It wastes time, energy, and focus-worthwhile resources that could help keep one in the overthinking loop: researching into shadows endlessly, double-or triple-checking decisions, reworking on sending that message. All the thinking energy could go to something else, like chilling, relationships, or getting things done. 

2. It Offers Only Short-Term Relief

Reassurance would work to calm us briefly, but it would not cure the root problem: our inability to manage uncertainty. So the moment doubt raises its head again, we find ourselves starting from scratch. As a matter of fact, at some time or another, we may even start second-guessing that very reassurance: finding flaws in it, or drifting deeper into ‘what ifs.’ 

3. It Reinforces Anxious Thinking

Whenever an individual goes out looking for reassurance, he or she tends to support the thoughts and feelings of anxiety, acting like those were threats. Over time, this may actually make one increasingly sensitive to anxiety, not less. These thoughts become much louder in the mind since all the attention is focused on them.

Read More: The Hidden Link Between Overthinking and Anxiety You Need to Know

How to Support Without Feeding the Anxiety

Reassurance comes from love. There are ways you can support you’re person without feeding the anxiety.

1. Validate, Don’t Diminish

Protect their emotions rather than attempting to persuade them that their fear is unfounded. “I can see this is worrying you” is one example of a phrase. “It’s understandable that your brain is experiencing uncertainty at the moment.”Making the person feel seen through validation is frequently more soothing than attempting to allay or explain the fear. 

2. Promote Inquisitiveness

To help them explore the fear, pose mild, open-ended questions like, “What do you think might happen?” “How big does this worry feel at the moment?” “What’s one small thing we can do together to manage it?” This gives them a sense of control by causing them to change from a reactive to a more reflective state.

3. Teach Coping Strategies

Help the child build a toolkit of calming techniques: deep breathing, visualisation, grounding exercises, journaling, or movement. Over time, these strategies become an internal source of reassurance.

4. Set Limits Around Repeated Reassurance

It is okay to say, “I’ve already answered that question, and I know you’re still feeling…”

Conclusion

Reassurance may feel good in the moment of a crisis, but it is not a long-term solution to anxiety. Many individuals struggle with anxiety disorders or OCD, and do not merely seek reassurance out of their anxiety, but instead, have allowed that behaviour to become a crutch in their anxiety response. Reassurance exacerbates their worries rather than addressing them.

In other words, the dilemma often is not needing more information or if danger is real, but rather a discomfort with uncertainty. Reassurance provides clear short-term emotional relief (like anaesthesia for anxiety), but ultimately increases the cycle of anxiety/mockery of obsessive thought, and encourages avoidance of anxiety or uncertainty. Over time, the need for reassurance saps time, energy, relationships, and mental health. Some types of reassurance may not even seem constructive (like rereading messages, checking locks, and need for emotional support).

While this may seem subtle, it still serves the loop. The way to a more stable outcome isn’t more reassurance, and instead, the very notion that you need either, especially if you believe it’s necessary for your normative behaviour. You just need to remember that certainty is not realistic, nor is it necessary. Uncertainty should be valued, and you should practice experiencing uncertainty as long as you need until you get through your discomfort. 

Strategies like use DEAF (Distinguish danger from distress, Embrace uncertainty, Avoid reassurance, and Float with discomfort) will provide methods for mitigation without increasing reassurance-seeking behaviour. Supporting relationships that allow for emotions without the use of reassurance are also essential. When we encourage curiosity, offer soothing strategies, and softly impose limits around repeated reassuring, it assists a person in becoming more emotionally resilient. 

In the end, living with uncertainty is a strong psychological skill. It helps a person to move through life’s uncertainty more assuredly, trust themselves more, and take control away from their anxious thoughts. Reassurance certainly has its place, but healing begins when a person learns that they do not have to answer all of their doubts.