Understanding Toxic Relationship Patterns in Men and Women

Imagine receiving a text from your partner, and instead of feeling excited, you are feeling anxious. You begin wondering whether they are upset, whether you said something wrong, or if there is any new argument incoming. What once felt comforting and safe has now started draining you. Toxic relationships rarely begin as toxic. In fact, many start with affection, excitement and emotional connection, making it difficult to understand the unhealthy patterns when they gradually emerge. This article explores common toxic relationship behaviours, psychological factors contributing to them, warning signs and ways to build healthy relationships. 

Love Bubble Rush – this is what you get when you are in a relationship. Emotions full of a sense of familiarity, belonging, security, warmth and kindness. But what if the same relationship starts turning ugly? What once felt like a rainbow and unicorn can gradually be overshadowed by thunderstorms, leaving behind confusion, hurt and emotional distress. Understanding how healthy relationships transform into toxic ones is essential for recognising warning signs and building healthier connections ( Lancer,2015). 

Common Toxic Behaviours in Romantic Relationships

1. Manipulation 

Manipulation is when one partner influences the other partner’s thoughts, feelings and actions through indirect, deceptive and emotionally coercive strategies. Rather than expressing one’s needs openly, manipulative individuals use guilt, fear or obligation to gain compliance. Such behaviours can undermine a partner’s autonomy and self-confidence ( Simon, 2010).  This example can be seen in the movie Kabir Singh, where Kabir frequently attempts to control situations according to his wishes. For instance, he unilaterally marks it as ‘his’ in college and makes decisions on her behalf. Such behaviours illustrate subtle pressure, emotional influence and disregard for a partner’s decision-making. 

2. Gaslighting 

It is a psychological term used for individuals who question one’s memories, perceptions or sense of reality. Through repeated denial, contradiction, or minimisation of experiences, victims may begin to doubt their own judgement and rely heavily on the manipulator’s narrative of the story. Research suggests that gaslighting can lead to anxiety, confusion and diminished self-confidence ( Sweet, 2019). Common gaslighting statements: 

1. You are too sensitive 
2. That never happened 
3. You are imagining this 
4. Stop overreacting 

Read More: Gaslighting: A Hidden Emotional Abuse in a Need for Attention

3. Emotional Dependency 

Emotional Dependency occurs when one person ties their happiness, self-worth, and identity towards their partner. While it is quite obvious that after a point you rely on your partner emotionally, when your whole emotional being depends on how the other person reacts, the person feels unable to function effectively Borstein,2012). For example, a person may feel unable to enjoy life with their friends, make decisions independently or regulate their emotions unless their partner is available to constantly reassure them. 

Green-eyed Love: The Problem with Excessive Jealousy 

Jealousy is something that people feel sometimes when they are in a relationship. When jealousy gets out of hand and happens all the time, it can be really bad for the relationship. This kind of jealousy usually comes from feeling unsure of oneself, being scared of being left, not feeling good about oneself or having been cheated on before. Jealousy can be a problem when it gets too much, and people start to control each other. ( Guerrero & Anderson, 1998) . 

For example, a partner may ask for access to social media accounts, question every interaction with their friends or accuse them of not being available on time and spending more time with others. 

Read More: How to Overcome Jealousy: Tips and Strategies for Letting Go of Envy

‘Because I said so’- Control Disguised as Care

Controlling behaviour is another significant pattern of toxic behaviour. Control may appear in different forms, including controlling a partner’s social interaction, restricting particular types of clothing, and monitoring activities ( Stark,2007). 

Controlling individuals often justify their actions as they are doing it out of concern, love, or protection. Statements such as – ‘ I only care for you, I know what’s best for you may disguise attempts to limit a partner’s autonomy. As control increases, individuals may feel trapped, isolated and powerless (Stark, 2007). 

For example, a partner may ask for a live location throughout the day, decide what is supposed to be worn or discourage them from meeting with friends under the guise of protection. 

The Psychology Behind Toxic Patterns 

Toxic Behaviors rarely emerge without psychological influences. Attachment theory suggests that individuals with insecure attachment struggle with trusting their partners, fear abandonment, and emotional regulation may contribute to unhealthy relationship behaviour ( Bowlby,1988). 

Low self-esteem can also lead to engagement and tolerance for toxic behaviour. Individuals with low self-esteem often seek extra validation from their partners, depend too much on them for their reassurance and approval or remain in harmful relationships due to fear of rejection ( Mruk,2013). Furthermore, childhood trauma, emotional neglect and emotionally dysfunctional family dynamics can shape relationship expectations and coping mechanisms.

Individuals often recreate familiar patterns, even when those patterns are unhealthy, because it seems psychologically familiar and predictable ( Levine & Heller,2010). Although understanding these factors provides insight into toxic behaviours, it doesn’t excuse harmful actions. Personal accountability remains essential for developing healthier relationship patterns. 

Red Flags Before the Storm: Warning Signs of a Toxic Relationship 

Recognising warning signs early can help individuals maintain their emotional well-being and make the right decisions for themselves. Common red flags include: 

1. Constant criticism and belittling comments.
2. Feeling emotionally drained after conversations. 
3. Walking on eggshells to avoid conflicts.
4. Feeling that you are too much when you are expressing your wants and needs openly.
5. Lack of trust and excessive suspicion. 
6. Keeping boundaries feels like you are being rude towards your partner.
7. Isolation from friends and family.
8. Not being able to rely emotionally on your partner. 
9. Frequent guilt, confusion or self-doubt.
10. Frequent emotional highs with painful lows. 

When these patterns become consistent rather than occasional, then it is something which requires attention ( Gottman & Silver, 1999). 

Breaking the Cycle: Building Healthier Relationships 

Developing healthy relationships requires self-awareness, accountability, acceptance, emotional maturity and intentional efforts. One of the most important steps is recognising unhealthy patterns and taking responsibility for one’s own actions. Self-reflection can help identify one’s unhealthy behaviour and develop healthier coping strategies. Effective communication is another healthier way to maintain a better relationship, as it allows individuals to have open conversations and talk through their non-negotiables. Active listening, empathy and conflict-resolving skills can significantly improve relationship quality ( Gottman & Silver, 1999). 

Healthy boundaries also play a crucial role. Boundaries help individuals maintain their autonomy, identity and emotional well-being while remaining connected to their partner. In situations where toxic patterns are deeply ingrained, professional support from counsellors or therapists may be beneficial. Therapy can help individuals address underlying issues such as trauma, attachment difficulties, the need to set boundaries, and effective communication skills ( Levine & Heller, 2010). 

Read More: Conflict Resolution Strategies and Skills

Love Should Not Hurt More than it Heals 

Relationships are meant to provide emotional support, companionship and growth opportunities. While conflicts and challenges are normal aspects of a relationship, persistent patterns of manipulation, gaslighting, blaming, jealousy, and control aren’t. Recognising these warning signs earlier can help individuals to make healthier choices and protect them from a lot of damage. 

Ultimately, healthier relationships are built on trust, understanding, communication, consistency, mutual respect and emotional safety. Recognising toxic patterns is not only about identifying problems; rather, it is more about saving yourself from the potential damage, allowing yourself to love without feeling the threat of getting hurt in the process and most importantly, it also keeps the love bubble rush in you alive despite facing difficulties together. 

Read More: How Mutual Respect Transforms Relationships for the Better

References +

• Bornstein, R. F. (2012). From dysfunction to adaptation: An interactionist model of dependency. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 8, 291–316. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-032511-143058
• Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishers.
• Guerrero, L. K., & Andersen, P. A. (1998). Jealousy experience and expression in romantic relationships. In P. A. Andersen & L. K. Guerrero (Eds.), Handbook of communication and emotion: Research, theory, applications, and contexts (pp. 155–188). Academic Press.
• Lancer, D. (2015). Conquering shame and codependency: 8 steps to freeing the true you. Hazelden Publishing.
• Levine, A., & Heller, R. S. F. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.
• Mruk, C. J. (2013). Self-esteem and positive psychology: Research, theory, and practice (4th ed.). Springer Publishing Company.
• Simon, G. K. (2010). In sheep’s clothing: Understanding and dealing with manipulative people (2nd ed.). Parkhurst Brothers.
• Stark, E. (2007). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. Oxford University Press.
• Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419874843