The woman receives forty text messages in a single night from her boyfriend, each time demanding to know her whereabouts. It is termed as devotion by her peers. She is tempted into thinking it. Such a misunderstanding happens frequently. Films and songs have taken years to glamorize the act of jealousy and possession, making some of us think that the person who keeps checking your mobile and comes to your place without permission is simply loving you way beyond everyone else. Science reveals another truth altogether. Jealousy, stalking and possessiveness are some of obsessive behaviours which are mostly fuelled by feeling of insecurity rather than love. This article will examine the difference between obsession and love.
Read More: How to Overcome Jealousy: Tips and Strategies for Letting Go of Envy
Why We Confuse Obsession With Passion
Popular culture has also made us understand that intensity equals intimacy. The guy that is always following his girlfriend wherever she goes, the guy that is unable to cope with rejection, the stalker that waits outside office premises: these do not normally come across as threats, but as romantic acts. This kind of romanticism can be proven by studying the myths of romantic love. A recent study conducted among young adults showed that those who believed jealousy was proof of love had more chances to either engage in or tolerate controlling behaviors, such as monitoring the partner’s texts and social media (Ramírez-Carrasco et al., 2023). These beliefs increased the probability of engaging in cyber-controlling practices.
It also has to do with the way love itself is misconstrued. As noted by researcher Sandra Langeslag (2024), who focuses on the psychology of romantic love, such misconceptions about love, like the idea that it cannot be controlled or that true love equals the sacrifice of one’s independence, are not based on any data. Love does not dominate the decision-making process of a person. When an individual says that their jealousy is their level of caring, it is actually fear of losing something.
These misunderstandings have some serious implications. The belief that possessiveness is love may cause someone to accept actions that would otherwise be seen as controlling behavior. This can also give someone who is being controlling the justification that their actions are loving.
Read More: When Persistence Becomes Obsession: The Psychology of Romanticised Stalking
The Attachment Roots of Obsessive Love
In this context, attachment theory is particularly relevant. As suggested by Bowlby’s (1969) original attachment theory, the connections that are made during childhood with caregivers determine our responses in relation to intimacy and separation in adulthood. In an extension of the original attachment theory, Hazan and Shaver (1987) proposed that adults display different types of attachment styles based on the safety of these early relationships.
Individuals with an anxious attachment tend to need proximity but simultaneously have a fear of abandonment. These elements may result in obsessive behaviour in the form of constant phone calls, need for continual reassurance, or feelings of panic when an individual is not available. Studies concerning stalking and chasing after a separation revealed that individuals with high levels of attachment anxiety tend to continue contact with an ex-partner despite the fact that he or she was asked not to do so primarily due to the fact that the fear of losing a relationship outweighs the fear of rejection (Dutton & Winstead, 2006). Similar behaviour takes place in fearful attachment where an individual desires intimacy but lacks faith in its sustainability.
None of this is meant to imply that all anxious and/or fearful people become controlling individuals. After all, an attachment style is a pattern, not an automatic response. However, these patterns can help us understand why obsessive behavior almost always stems out of fear, not security. A securely attached individual does not freak out when there is some distance. An individual who has issues with their attachment is afraid of any distance and may perceive their actions as loving ones.
Read More: The Role of Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships
When Attention Turns Into Intrusion
However, there is an exact term in psychology that refers to the transition of persistence into stalking. It is called obsessive relational intrusion (ORI). According to Cupach and Spitzberg (1998), it is a term coined by communication psychologists that refers to unwanted and repetitive attempts to gain intimacy that intrude upon another person’s privacy irrespective of the fact that the target person may be a stranger or an ex-partner. ORI seems innocent initially but takes the form of constant SMS messages, frequent presence at the person’s usual locations, and persistent inquiries with friends of both parties.
As Spitzberg and Cupach (2003) observed, most of the behaviors associated with stalking such as appearing unexpectedly and keeping track of one’s partner reflect the typical actions within an ongoing relationship that arise out of feelings of jealousy and are known as “mate-guarding.” The key to the distinction lies in intensity and willingness. It is natural for a partner to inquire about one’s day but not for a partner to demand their whereabouts every hour.
In this transformation, the issue of jealousy has a prominent place. If jealousy is considered as an indicator of love rather than something that needs to be controlled, it becomes a justification for control over time. The Hotline, a US organization that provides information about relationship abuse, notes that “jealousy alone isn’t the issue”. The issue lies in how one acts on this feeling (The Hotline, 2025). For example, a person is different who is openly expressing their jealous behaviour rather than a person who is constantly checking the phones of other partner without consent.
Rewriting the Relationship Schema
The schemas about love are the frameworks that we create about love unconsciously. For example, when someone grows up seeing fighting and controlling behaviors being described as passionate love, he or she may automatically think that the same scenario is expected from his or her own relationship. The way to overcome the schema begins by understanding the pattern. The individuals must understand that constantly demanding updates, feeling guilty, or refusing to accept the separation is control, not romance.
Therapy for attachment injuries will assist in this case as well. Earned security, a form of attachment that is formed in the process of building relationships that fix one’s attachment style, will lower the levels of anxiety that cause such obsessions. Those who are on the receiving side of all this attention will need to learn how to discern between true love and control. The former knows and respects boundaries despite anything; the latter does not.
Media literacy is also important here. By actively asking questions about the idea of the “grand romantic gesture” that films and shows perpetuate and about the persistence that eventually “wins over” the other party, one can challenge a myth that has been shaping people’s views on relationships for generations. Real intimacy is based on mutual agreement and trust.
Read More: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty
Conclusion
Obsession shares the vocabulary of love, with a yearning for closeness, an intense fear of losing that, and thoughts about another all the time. Yet when healthy, love can embrace separation, respect a no, and flourish without having to dominate another. Obsessive dynamics typically stem from fears, insecurity, and damaged attachment more than from any true passion.
Distinguishing between the two is important not only for those who could confuse domination with devotion but also for anyone who might be the target of such domination. When a relationship is predicated on continuous assurance, oversight, and denial of one’s limitations, it may be wise to pause and wonder what might really be going on here. Practical advice: when the intensity in a relationship becomes frightening rather than soothing, take it as a sign.
References +
- Bowlby, J. (1969).Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
- Cupach, W. R., & Spitzberg, B. H. (1998). The dark side of close relationships. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
- Dutton, L. B., & Winstead, B. A. (2006). Predicting unwanted pursuit: Attachment, relationship satisfaction, relationship alternatives, and break-up distress. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 23(4), 565–586. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407506065984
- Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022- 3514.52.3.511
- Langeslag, S. J. E. (2024). Refuting six misconceptions about romantic love. Behavioral Sciences, 14(5), 383. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs14050383
- Ramírez-Carrasco, D., Ferrer-Urbina, R., & Ponce-Correa, F. (2023). Jealousy, sexism, and romantic love myths: The role of beliefs in online dating violence. Frontiers in Psychology, 14, 1212737. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1212737
- Spitzberg, B. H., & Cupach, W. R. (2003). What mad pursuit? Obsessive relational intrusion and stalking related phenomena. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 8(4), 345–375. https://doi.org/10.1016/S1359-1789(02)00068-X
- The Hotline. (2025, March 6). The myths of jealousy*. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-myths-of-jealousy/
