Is Marriage a Gateway to Lasting Happiness?

Most Bollywood movies end with a happily ever after of the main protagonists getting married, but what after that? Very few movies like Mrs S, starring Sania Malhotra as a Female character who marries with the dream of having a happily ever after, but the reality screams a nightmare. She chooses marriage as a gateway to happiness but ends up in a big pile of sadness. But does every marriage end like this? Well, the answer is ‘No’.(Mrs., 2025)  

Imagine the following picture: The wedding is over, and it is time for the “happily ever after” of the couple.  But it soon turns out that during months three through five years, the fairy tale will start becoming a reality with dirty dishes, missed anniversary dates, financial quarrels, and silent meals. Is there any problem with that? No way. Marriage should not be an institution of happiness generation. 

Research consistently shows that while marriage is linked to greater well-being and life satisfaction on average, this effect is neither automatic nor permanent (Dush & Amato, 2005). People enter marriage with expectations that are, honestly, a little too optimistic. The belief that a partner will complete you and keep you happy forever sets couples up for disappointment. This article looks at what marriage actually offers, why conflict is a normal and even necessary part of it, and what research from psychologists like  John Gottman tells us about what makes or breaks a long-term relationship. 

Read More: Healing Attachment Wounds in Marriage: Building Emotional Safety and Connection

The Happiness Bump and Why It Fades 

There is something called the “honeymoon effect.” In the early months of a relationship, happiness levels do go up. Studies show a short-term boost in life satisfaction around the time of marriage (Lucas et al.,  2003). But, and this is important for most people, those levels return to roughly where they were before the wedding within a couple of years. 

This is not a failure on your part. It is known as hedonic adaptation, and it is a psychological process. In other words, people get used to stuff. That very same brain that reacts in a highly enthusiastic way when you first met your partner will, after some time, start seeing your partner as part of the scenery. 

There is no denying the benefits associated with marriage, which include companionship, financial stability, improved health conditions, among others (Robles et al., 2014). However, these do not equate to happiness all the time. These are the basis from which one can build a healthy relationship. 

Read More: How Marriage Changes Friendships for Men and Women: A Psychological Perspective

Conflict Is Not a Sign Something Is Wrong 

This is where most couples make their mistake; they equate conflict with incompatibility, and it’s not. 

According to John Gottman, a psychologist whose life work has been dedicated to couples for more than  40 years, it’s not how often couples argue but how they do it (Gottman & Silver, 1999). The studies conducted by Gottman, involving watching hundreds of couples in a “Love Lab” situation and following them for several years, identified specific behaviours that lead to the destruction of a relationship. 

These four are what he referred to as “The Four Horsemen”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Of these four, contempt is the most harmful. Contempt is not just anger but something akin to disgust. Contempt is revealed in an eye roll, a sarcastic remark, or that sneaking feeling that your partner is just beneath you. Couples that engaged in contempt displayed much higher divorce rates  (Gottman & Levenson, 1992). 

What saved the day for many couples was what Gottman referred to as “repair attempts,” small, often clumsy efforts to lower the heat when couples were arguing. Joke, touch on the arm, or say “I need a  timeout.” Couples that made such attempts to de-escalate tension during arguments did much better than those who didn’t. 

The takeaway is simple: arguments are not the enemy. Unrepaired arguments are.

Read More: The Psychology Behind the Sound Relationship House Theory

What Keeps Couples Together?  

Hollywood would have us believe that love is enough. Research says otherwise. 

The Triangular Theory of Love was developed by psychologist Robert Sternberg, and it contains three factors: intimacy (intimacy and connection), passion (attraction, both physical and emotional), and commitment (the choice of staying in the relationship for a long period of time) (Sternberg, 1986).  Sternberg claims that to have a relationship, you need to have all three factors mentioned above. Passion is always defined by the term “love”; however, it tends to fade away with time.

Those couples whose only reason to stay together is passion perceive their relationship as dying if it loses its “spark”. There is something else that such couples could hold on to if they managed to form their own intimacy and commitment; they created meaning, traditions, and memories in their relationships. 

There is evidence to support this in the findings of Susan Johnson, who created Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Johnson’s studies have found that couples experiencing difficulties in their relationships do not have problems over chores and finances, but rather they are having issues about attachment, like  “Are you there for me? Does my presence make a difference to you?” (Johnson, 2008). 

Read More: Premarital Counseling: Insights from Psychologists for a Stronger Marriage

When Marriage Becomes Unhealthy 

However, not all conflicts are constructive. It is important to distinguish between situations when partners fight and reconcile, and those when one or both members undergo emotional abuse, consistent invalidation, or a power imbalance. 

In their research, Gottman and his colleagues discovered that among the “volatile” couples, who have fights regularly, the marriage was able to maintain stability if positive interactions were significantly more numerous than negative ones. Gottman’s well-known “5:1 ratio” states that in any healthy relationship, there should be at least five positive interactions to one negative (Gottman & Silver,  1999). 

When there is an excessive amount of negativity in the ratio, where the individual is always criticising or withdrawing, then here lies a situation of marital stress becoming a stressor. This is when it is essential to look into getting assistance through couples counselling. According to the American Association for  Marriage and Family Therapy, couples often wait an average of six years after issues arise to seek assistance. (American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy [AAMFT], 2018) 

Read More: Managing the Transition from Roommates to Partners in Marriage

Conclusion 

Marriage isn’t an endpoint. Marriage is something that you do. To expect it to provide you with a steady supply of happiness would be similar to expecting flowers from a garden without taking care of it.  Couples who are the happiest are not the ones who don’t quarrel, but the ones who quarrel and then come back to each other. They tell each other “Sorry” even when it is difficult for them.

The findings from Gottman provide comfort in the fact that you don’t require a perfect relationship in order to have a good one. A good relationship is where there is effort made by both individuals. That effort, that repair, that connection attempt, that’s really marriage. But then again, marriage does not provide you with happiness all day long every single day. However, for people who enter marriage with realistic expectations and an open mind, marriage could become one of the most rewarding decisions that they have ever made.

References + 

• Kadav, A. (Director). (2025). Mrs. [Film]. Jio Studios; Baweja Studios. ZEE5.  
• Dush, C. M. K., & Amato, P. R. (2005). Consequences of relationship status and quality for subjective well-being. *Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 22*(5), 607ÔÇô627.  https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407505056438 
• Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behaviour,  physiology, and health. *Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63*(2), 221ÔÇô233.  https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221 
• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). *The seven principles for making marriage work.* Crown  Publishers. 
• Johnson, S. M. (2008). *Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love.* Little, Brown and  Company. 
• Lucas, R. E., Clark, A. E., Georgellis, Y., & Diener, E. (2003). Reexamining adaptation and the set point model of happiness: Reactions to changes in marital status. *Journal of Personality and Social  Psychology, 84*(3), 527ÔÇô539. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.84.3.527 
• Robles, T. F., Slatcher, R. B., Trombello, J. M., & McGinn, M. M. (2014). Marital quality and health: A  meta-analytic review. *Psychological Bulletin, 140*(1), 140ÔÇô187. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0031859 
• Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. *Psychological Review, 93*(2), 119ÔÇô135.  https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.93.2.119 
• American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. (2018). *Couples therapy.*  https://www.aamft.org/Consumer_Updates/Couples_Therapy.aspx