The inclination to please others is often identified as a specific aspect of a person’s character, like being overly cooperative, agreeable, or simply “nice.” However, there are psychological factors behind this tendency that stem from deeper issues of attachment, fear, and identity issues. In many cases, people-pleasing is a coping mechanism developed in families or social groups where acceptance or love was doled out selectively. What starts as an effort to gain acceptance or safety morphs into an unwavering tendency to forgo one’s authenticity and self-worth, and well-being. Therapy provides a means of breaking out of this pattern. Through a mix of emotional understanding, skill development, and corrective relational experiences, psychotherapy helps to move people from a people-pleasing identity towards fuller social participation as their more authentic selves.
Read More: “From being peaceful to being torn into pieces”: The Inner Journey of a People-Pleaser
The Roots of People-Pleasing
Studies show that people-pleasing behaviours often stem from childhoods marked by insecure attachment and inconsistent caregiving (Martin, G. D., 2023). The child who is reared by critical or emotionally distant and unavailable parents learns that affection is something that must be earned. Such families condition affection based on attempts at behavioural compliance or satisfaction of needs. In families marked by addiction, such as those with alcohol-abusing parents, children often take on roles to “balance” the family system.
The “peacemaker” or “responsible child” learns to suppress needs and conflict to gain tenuous approval from parents. While these behaviours are short-term adaptive, they can become rigid in self-effacing patterns of enduring rejection or social and emotional abandonment. A people pleaser in the later years of life will likely have a hard time asserting themselves, become a perpetual over-committer, or develop an aversion to conflict. Their sense of self becomes enmeshed with suffocating external benchmarks. The outcome is burnout, anger, and shunned connections.
Read More: Impact of Parental Abuse on Child Development
Therapy as a Corrective Relational Experience
Central to therapeutic healing is the provision of a safe, consistent, and empathic relationship. This is the main reason why many people pleasers have never experienced acceptance, which is not tied to performance or compliance. In therapy, clients encounter a corrective emotional experience, which is a relationship in which authenticity is allowed and vulnerability is met with tenderness instead of harsh rejection.
Process-Experiential and Emotion-Focused Therapy illustrate this dynamic particularly well (MacLeod, R., Elliott, R., & Rodgers, B., 2011). By way of empathic listening and validation, the therapist aids clients in accessing deeper underlying feelings such as fear, shame, or sadness that drive people-pleasing behaviours.
Clients, eventually, begin to exchange maladaptive emotional patterns with healthier ones, such as self-soothing, assertive expression, and true, genuine joy. This particular healing helps establish a safer relational structure that nurtures deeper transformation.
Read More: Beyond the Stressor: The Science of Emotion-Focused Coping
Learning Assertiveness and Communication
Recovery from people-pleasing behaviours requires changing the interpersonal skills one uses fundamentally. Changes in interpersonal relationships require focusing on how individuals interact, making assertiveness training an essential component. This type of training focuses on empowering clients to use guilt-free phraseology to articulate needs, express preferences, and define boundaries, marking a step forward in therapy, as it permits clients to prescribe boundaries (Ardana, S., 2025 & Harper West, 2024).
Clients learn assertive phrases and gradually realise that abandonment is not an automatic outcome of denial, for example, “I’m not comfortable with that,” and “I need time to think about it.” Clients practice these new behaviours in role-play sessions and gradually develop the self-efficacy to manage real-life scenarios. Over time, assertiveness training reshapes relationships. They learn that communication creates true relationships, and compliance is not the only way to remain in relationships. Clients no longer feel confined to compliance.
Read More: Empower Yourself: The Art of Setting Boundaries in Everyday Life
Group Therapy and the Power of Collective Healing
Social situations are where many people pleasers are most afraid of being judged. Group therapy offers a special chance to face these anxieties in a safe setting.
In groups, people come across peers who struggle with the same issues of perfectionistic self-presentation and seeking approval (Kaldas, J., 2018). Participants are encouraged to express their vulnerabilities, try out genuine self-expression, and get input from other members. In addition to acknowledging their difficulties, this setting offers them practical experience in overcoming ingrained habits.
The ability of group therapy to dismantle the obsessive need to look perfect is one of its most potent features. Clients start to doubt their own over-vigilance when they see others freely admitting their flaws and being accepted. They gradually come to understand that the real basis of meaningful relationships is authenticity rather than perfection (Kaldas, J., 2018 & Brewer, J.A., Giommi, F., 2025).
Read More: How is Perfectionism affecting your Self-Esteem and Life Satisfaction?
Addressing Shame Through Self-Compassion
At the heart of people-pleasing lies shame: the painful conviction that one is unworthy of love unless certain conditions are met. Therapy directly addresses this core wound through compassion-focused and mindfulness-based approaches (Harper West, 2024). Mindfulness training teaches people to observe their self-critical thoughts without getting caught up in them. In turn, compassion-focused therapy helps patients develop a more accepting inner dialogue that celebrates their needs and flaws rather than criticising them. It is transforming to move from self-criticism to self-compassion. The urge to gain value by pleasing others lessens as shame fades. Customers start to realise that their worth is inherent and unaffected by fulfilling the expectations of others.
The Emergence of Authentic Social Selves
Clients frequently report significant changes in their social lives as therapy goes on. They start to interact with others more confidently and authentically since they are no longer only motivated by anxiety or a fear of being rejected.
This transformation’s indicators include:
- Enhanced self-esteem: When people learn to believe in their own value, their confidence increases.
- Healthy boundaries make relationships less exploitative and more balanced.
- Enhanced trust: Clients grow more confident that people will accept them for who they are.
- Emotional resilience is the ability to handle setbacks without going back to previous compliance patterns.
In the end, becoming an authentic person instead of a people-pleaser means establishing kindness and generosity as choices rather than forced traits. Although they no longer give themselves up for approval from others, clients still can empathise (Kaldas, J., 2018).
Therapy Across the Lifespan
Different developmental stages require tailored therapeutic approaches for effective support and healing. Children can process early attachment wounds, practise boundaries, and explore identity through family play therapy and storytelling. Group therapy that stresses peer approval and experimenting with self-expression may be beneficial for adolescents. In contrast, adults frequently use integrative methods that blend group sessions or workshops for skill development with individual therapy (Harper West, 2024).
Therapists assist people in regaining their agency at every stage of life by customising interventions to developmental needs. This promotes healthier dynamics in intimate relationships, friendships, and families.
Conclusion: From Pleasing to Belonging
Regaining balance, authenticity, and self-respect is the goal of the people-pleaser in personal transformation, not letting go of concern for other people. By addressing the underlying causes of insecure attachment, destroying shame, and giving people the tools to connect and communicate authentically, therapy plays a crucial part in this transition.
Through individual sessions, group settings, and mindfulness-based techniques, therapy enables patients to develop a sense of self-worth independent of outside approval. As a result, people who previously lived in fear of rejection find that they can express who they really are and build relationships based on mutual respect, trust, and reciprocity. People who become more human and less of a “pleaser” improve not only their own psychological health but also the social fabric in which they live. Stronger families, communities, and workplaces are the result of genuine, healthy connections
FAQs
1. Why do people become people-pleasers?
People-pleasing often develops in childhood when love or acceptance feels conditional. It can be a coping strategy in families with criticism, neglect, or addiction.
2. How does therapy help reduce people-pleasing?
Therapy provides a safe, supportive relationship where clients can explore emotions, learn assertiveness, and practice healthier ways of relating.
3. What role does assertiveness training play?
Assertiveness training teaches individuals to set boundaries and express needs without guilt, helping them shift from compliance to authenticity.
4. Can group therapy be effective for people-pleasers?
Yes, group therapy helps individuals practice authenticity in a supportive space and realise they can be accepted without being perfect.
5. Is people-pleasing always unhealthy?
Not necessarily. Being kind and cooperative is healthy when it comes from choice. It becomes unhealthy when driven by fear, guilt, or the need for approval.
References +
Martin, G. D. (2023). Anxious Anticipation and Parental Alcohol Abuse- A Grounded Theory Study. School of Nursing, Psychotherapy and Community Health, Dublin City University. https://doras.dcu.ie/28898/1/Anxious%20Anticipation%20and%20Parental%20Alcohol%20Abuse%20A%20Grounded%20Theory%20Study.pdf
MacLeod, R., Elliott, R., & Rodgers, B. (2011). Process-experiential/emotion-focused therapy for social anxiety: A hermeneutic single-case efficacy design study. Psychotherapy Research, 22(1), 67–81. https://doi.org/10.1080/10503307.2011.626805
Ardana, S. (2025). Assertive Behaviour as an Effort to Reduce People-Pleasing Attitudes.
Southeast Asian Journal of Multidisciplinary Science Volume 1, Issue 1. https://ojs.aeducia.org/index.php/sajms/article/download/282/264
Harper West. (2024). Addressing Shame in Child and Family Psychotherapy.https://www.harperwest.co/wp-content/uploads/Addressing-Shame-in-Child-Therapy-250726.pdf
Kaldas, J. (2018). Perfectionistic self-presentation in group therapy: interpersonal behaviours and therapeutic process factors. University of British Columbia.https://open.library.ubc.ca/soa/cIRcle/collections/ubctheses/24/items/1.0371005
Brewer, J.A., Giommi, F. (2025). Psychotherapy as investigation: cultivating curiosity and insight in the therapeutic process. Frontiers in Psychology.https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2025.1603719
Lightsey, A. (2023). Iron Sharpens Iron: How Therapeutic Men’s Groups Facilitate Positive Change in Men. Liberty University. https://digitalcommons.liberty.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=5678&context=doctoral
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