Boundaries in Neurodivergent Relationships: Why They Matter

Neurodivergent relationships are relationships where one or more of the people in the relationship label themselves as neurodivergent, i.e., their brain develops or thinks differently compared to the social norms of development or cognition of what’s ‘typical’ or ‘neurotypical.’ This difference may stem from Tourette syndrome, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, autism spectrum disorder (ASD), or other neurological differences.

Why Boundaries Matter for Neurodivergent People

To set good boundaries, first, you need to understand the significance of boundaries. Boundaries are not just rules for your relationships; they are also a measure of your self-esteem and confidence. This idea is true for everyone, but it can take on even greater significance for those who are neurodivergent. To be neurodivergent is to have a certain experience of the world.

This experience can be viewed through the lens of autism, ADHD, or sensory processing differences. At times, life may feel completely bombarded, full of things to deal with, and being neurodivergent adds different problems, perspectives and challenges to your experience. One powerful way to approach the challenges of neurodivergent life is to set and enforce boundaries.

How Boundaries Reflect Confidence and Self-Worth

Imagine this situation for a moment: you set boundaries – assertive, firm boundaries. You communicate your limits and needs with clarity. Then, regardless of this successful communication of boundaries, you still feel uneasy, tense, or even worse, have compromised your boundaries for the sake of other people. What causes this to occur?

Confidence and self-worth are often associated with this dilemma. Mutual acceptance and understanding are other characteristics of the neurodivergent community. Consequently, some people may feel that it is impossible to maintain a positive sense of self-worth. Sometimes, the need to pay attention to boundaries can be subordinated to the need to be validated and accepted. 

Practical Strategies for Setting Boundaries

Boundaries are an important part of personal empowerment. Boundaries are important, especially for neurodivergent people, to set and gain your sense of self-worth unstated here. Boundary setting is based on self-worth, which includes valuing your needs, your differences, and your voice. In honouring and valuing your differences, when you are assertive with your boundaries, you can better expect others around you to be more respectful and tolerant of your boundaries. Here are some suggestions to get started with the process:

1. Practice Self-Advocacy

This means to learn to speak up for yourself and communicate to others what you require and what will help you. If you think self-advocacy gets you down, then just express some of the many things you want to convey – but in ways that advocate for yourself! The more you practice self-advocacy, the more comfortable you will become, because it is a skill worthy of practice and may build in you the confidence to believe in yourself.

2. Be Self-Accepting

Start accepting and appreciating your neurodivergent personality as it makes up your personality. Understand your brain operates differently and take pride in that fact.

3. Build Community

Find people in either online spaces or in real life who are neurodivergent. Having other neurodivergent humans around can be validating and enlightening, and can help you find ways to be yourself in this world.

4. Educate Other People

Help others you come into contact with understand your unique style of thinking, learning, speaking, and associating. One way of reducing stigma and fostering understanding of the lived experiences of people from different backgrounds is by way of education.

5. Talk to an Expert

Therapists can equip you with strategies, resources, and a safe environment to work through your challenges and hopefully set boundaries-who know about neurodiversity.

Why Is It Hard for Neurodivergent People to Have Boundaries? 

1. A Sense of Having to Earn One’s Place

Many neurodivergent individuals view social interactions as situations where they have to prove for themselves again and again that they really do belong. The outcome is overcompensating, please-pleasing behaviour, or avoiding the placing of boundaries altogether for fear of rejection or not belonging.

2. Challenges in Identifying Needs

Interoceptive issues or having alexithymic characteristics, along with masking from a young age, can make it problematic to identify individual needs or prioritise them into priority. Being invalidated repeatedly during our development teaches us to disbelieve or disregard what we feel, which also makes the act of setting boundaries very difficult.

3. Conflict Is Overwhelming

Setting boundaries can kick off conflicts that demand super-fast emotional processing and communication skills, which might be difficult for many neurodiverse people. They simply stress the process, or maybe bring in pain along with it.

4. Early Self-Advocacy Was Shoved Aside

In childhood, many neurodivergent individuals tried their hardest to voice their needs but were instead branded rude or difficult. Such early instances communicate that it’s wrong or impossible to set boundaries, causing fear and hesitation in adulthood.

Conclusion

For neurodivergent people, boundaries are not simply titles and boundaries; they are ways to reclaim a sense of worth, cultivate healthy relationships, and respect and honour our unique ways of perceiving and relating to the world. People-pleasers, the inability to know what our needs are, fear of conflict, or even our early experiences of invalidation can all impede our ability to set boundaries.

However, they can all be overcome. With self-acceptance, affirmation, our and others’ communities, education and therapeutic practice, neurodivergent people can develop the skill of not just expressing needs, but in doing so with confidence, in order to develop mutual relationships, where respect and understanding are central. To enable ourselves to set boundaries and remind ourselves to keep our boundaries is are tremendous first step towards both social inclusion and personal development.