We don’t frequently address the subtle rage that accompanies ageing; the moment your knees crack more loudly than your confidence, or when you see a stranger in the mirror who you didn’t agree to sign up to be. Underneath the lotions, vitamins, and polite acceptance is something unfiltered: anger. Not the screaming, outburst type of anger, but the smouldering resentment towards an obedient body. It is the unsaid rage of losing ease, beauty, or strength and claiming you are “ageing gracefully.” There is no vanity, only grief in disguise, that must be processed and felt, or will never turn to peace.
Read More: The Positive Side of Ageing
The Body Betrayal Narrative
When the body no longer performs adequately—due to a chronic illness or health challenge, the natural ageing process, or the fluctuating hormonal changes that are common with age—it is not uncommon to have a complex feeling of betrayal. “Perceived body betrayal” is the experience the individual has when they feel that their body is no longer working alongside them (an ally) but has suddenly become an enemy that is not able to perform basic body functions or is not supplying what is needed. For example, joints can dislocate unexpectedly, energy can dissipate, or moods can shift without notice, as in Ehlers-Danlos syndrome or while experiencing perimenopause, and this can lead an individual to profound frustration and grief (Homan & Tylka, 2018).
Perceived body betrayal interrupts an individual’s understanding of self in a way that highlights the interconnectedness of one’s identity to physical ability and appearance (Cash & Smolak, 2011). Engaging with visible ageing or failing physical functionality can initiate one’s personal experience of body grief, a process that is more or less nonlinear, and may include feelings of dismissal and shock to self-blame and a hard-won eventual trust. The unpredictability of symptoms interrupts one’s sense of self-efficacy, and the pressure placed on individuals by society to “push through” their physical pain only augments a sense of social isolation (Clarke & Griffin, 2008).
Healing requires a move away from blaming oneself and instead framing the issue within context. That is, it is not that one’s body is failing, but it is adapting to limits. When someone starts to acknowledge an adaptation to contextualised systemic barriers (medical gaslighting) or an inability to access care, they can develop a sense of agency (Robinson, 2021). Processes such as journaling, therapy, and self-compassion help engage in the process of reframing thinking (Neff, 2003). One can honour their body’s limit without blaming themselves for failing.
Read More: Reframing Negative Thoughts for a Positive Life
Anger as Disguised Grief
Dissatisfaction or anger about one’s body often serves as a surface-level expression of a deeper emotional reality beneath it: grief. When physical changes (ageing, hormonal changes, chronic health conditions) alter our stamina, our appearance, or our independence, and with that comes frustration, it’s rarely a matter of being upset about the body itself. It is grief for an old version of yourself: the youthfulness, the ease of movement, the social desirability, or any combination of those that used to define who you are. This is what some refer to as “body grief” (Barron, 2022). Yes, it is a legitimate feeling of loss, even if it is a loss that is not expressed or recognised as a loss.
Our society does not have established rituals for grieving changes to the physical body. This leads to feelings of sadness and helplessness about the loss that we do not express. Instead, these feelings are expressed as anger: a more accessible, more mobilised emotion. When the body or others are counter to our expectations, we react with anger, as if it were our old friend who has betrayed us. According to one source, anger results because we have a false sense of entitlement to our body performing as it once did, and when it doesn’t, we feel it is unjust (Lazarus, 1991).
But anger can also be an entry point to awareness. Understanding that anger was originally grief allows one to work on healing at a deeper level. We can stop acting out (blame) or just holding emotions in (suppress), and begin to name the grief – “I miss my strength”; “I grieve my independence”. Moving from a place of blame to actually grieving creates space for self-compassion and adaptation (Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2005).
The Social Mirror Effect
Society functions as a mirror that reflects very narrow expectations that value youth and view ageing as negative. The mirror effect amplifies self-directed anger when people accept these expectations and view natural ageing as personal failure. Advertisements and media almost exclusively celebrate youth, and older adults are rarely portrayed realistically—only about a third of people feel an advertisement reflects them, reinforcing the idea that visibility and value diminish with ageing (Levy, 2009).
Cultural ageism can lead to self-directed ageism, or the belief that one is less capable, less marketable, or less relevant. For example, forgetting a name or needing longer to recuperate from a weekend of activities becomes further proof of inadequacy, rather than normal variation. The constant comparison against an ideal that is unattainable creates such discontent with oneself that feelings of frustration become anger turned toward one’s body (Calasanti, 2020).
Even women over 50, who feel more themselves as they age, report continued pressure to conform to the media’s standards of appearance. Filters and altered images, paintings of beauty, most people are also using, and struggle between accepting their natural self and conforming. Frustration in the face of impossible standards keeps anger toward oneself alive, especially if independence ends or agility declines (Tiggemann & McCourt, 2013).
Willingness to fight the mirror entails resisting and pushing back against messages of ageism, and finding ways to value ourselves without depending solely on a narrow perception of appearance. Seeing ageism as a systemic bias, not a personal character flaw, is an important first step in reclaiming tools for agency. For example, research shows that those who resist internalising age-based stereotypes will report stronger, more positive mental and physical health and whether they are older or younger, it is to put aside the value placed on self based on external expectations and to let value and self-worth stand regardless of age (Levy et al., 2016).
From Resentment to Reconciliation
Transitions from resentment to reconciliation with a changing body allow for an approach of self-kindness, reframing, and body-neutral acceptance. When we experience resentment, it often comes from unmet societal expectations of ideals. The transition to reconciliation begins with treating the body with kindness, states Dr Kristin Neff (Neff, 2003), rather than judgment. When self-criticism arises, respond to your own self-criticism about your changing body in the same way you would respond to a friend.
Try shifting your perspective to a grateful disposition for function- consider all of the things your body does for you: walking, hugging, breathing, and healing. Use the expressions I get instead of, I have to “- taking medication, for example, is not burdensome, but a chance to live longer and participate more fully (Brown, 2021). Replace negative self-talk with neutral or kind observations about a changing body- for example, My body is changing instead of, My body is failing.
One exercise is to write an apology letter to your body that reconnects you to it, accepting the ways you have neglected or mistreated your body in the past. Furthermore, working with forgiveness processes can release old and often unconscious resentment, that may have come from being confined by social constructs that do not allow positive or happy experiences to reverberate; the practice of forgiveness can also happen at the self-level, when we learn to unpack the ways we hold ourselves in unpleasant or objectified ways to support our emotional wellness in the last half of life (Enright, 2015).
Participating in any mind-body practices that would support you in developing a deeper sense of connection with your body can go a long way in restoring trust. Look for real-life personal role models- someone older who possesses a different kind of wisdom, or strength, or joy that runs much deeper than physicality—their story might point to the possibility of a wider vision for beauty and worth, beyond the barometer of esteem defined by narrow definitions of beauty (Ramsey & Horan, 2018).
Conclusion
Wrestling with anger towards our ageing bodies is not an ethical failing or lack of character, but rather an instinctive response to change or loss or the mixed baggage of what society determines is ideal. Angry feelings are the body’s way of saying, “Understand me, do not fix me.” Beneath the anger is grief; grief for who we used to be, and for what we had that we no longer have to work for.
Beneath grief is acceptance. When we shift the lens of the process of ageing, from feeling like a betrayal to feeling like evolution, we recover the narrative from rapture to self-compassion. Healing begins when we move from punishing our body for changing, to thanking our body for getting us thus far, for it has not failed us – it simply changes.
FAQs
1. Is anger toward ageing normal?
Yes. Feeling anger about ageing or physical changes is a common and natural emotional response. It often masks deeper feelings of sadness, loss, or grief for past versions of oneself.
2. What is “body grief”?
Body grief refers to the emotional process of mourning changes in your body—whether in appearance, ability, or health. It’s a valid form of grief that deserves acknowledgement and compassion.
3. How can someone move from resentment to acceptance?
Practising self-compassion, journaling, and focusing on gratitude for what your body still allows you to do are helpful first steps. Therapy or body-centred mindfulness practices can also support this process.
4. Why do societal ideals make ageing harder to accept?
Because society glorifies youth and productivity, natural ageing is often viewed as decline or failure. This creates internalised ageism, which fuels frustration and body dissatisfaction.
References +
Barron, A. (2022). Body grief: A deeper look at our physical and emotional selves. HarperCollins.
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the heart: Mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. Random House.
Calasanti, T. (2020). Ageism and the gendered body. Routledge.
Cash, T. F., & Smolak, L. (Eds.). (2011). Body image: A handbook of science, practice, and prevention (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Clarke, L. H., & Griffin, M. (2008). Visible and invisible ageing: Beauty work as a response to ageism. Ageing & Society, 28(5), 653–674. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0144686X07007003
Enright, R. D. (2015). Forgiveness therapy: An empirical guide for resolving anger and restoring hope. American Psychological Association.
Homan, K. J., & Tylka, T. L. (2018). Self-compassion moderates body comparison and body appreciation in women. Body Image, 27, 1–7. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bodyim.2018.08.007
Kubler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. Scribner.
Lazarus, R. S. (1991). Emotion and adaptation. Oxford University Press.
Levy, B. (2009). Stereotype embodiment: A psychosocial approach to aging. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 18(6), 332–336.
Levy, B. R., Slade, M. D., Chung, P. H., & Gill, T. M. (2016). Resisting age stereotypes improves health outcomes. Psychological Science, 27(8), 1017–1025.
Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223–250.
Ramsey, J. L., & Horan, S. M. (2018). Positive ageing: Cultivating resilience and wisdom across the lifespan. Journal of Adult Development, 25(4), 256–265.
Robinson, S. (2021). Medical gaslighting and patient advocacy: Restoring trust in healthcare. Healthline Press.Tiggemann, M., & McCourt, A. (2013). Body appreciation in mature women: Relationships with age and body satisfaction. Body Image, 10(4), 624–627.
