We live in a fast-paced world that doesn’t seem to pause for anyone. With a world so focused on productivity and optimism, we’ve started to dilute the boundary between real hope and emotional denial. In this age of technological advancement, there are millions of articles, blogs, posts, videos, TED Talks and more to help you maintain your positive outlook. Overwhelmed by these, we’ve developed a series of strange coping mechanisms. Has anyone ever asked you to “be positive”? Most of you would say yes. It is indeed a very common phrase. #GoodVibesOnly is no longer a simple statement; it is a compulsion. Our social media feeds are filled with motivational quotes, self-help gurus plugging their unyielding level of optimism and the phrase “good vibes only” emerges practically everywhere.
Toxic positivity can emerge in sincere responses such as “Everything happens for a reason” or “It could be so much worse.” Individuals who recently lost their job, or are grieving or experiencing loss or have an ongoing illness, when confronted with phrases like “Look on the bright side!” or “stay positive”, happen to do them more harm than good. It isolates them, implies that their innate sad, angry or fearful feeling is wrong or flawed and often makes people feel worse, as if their hardships or sadness are a problem they need to hide. Over time, this may lead to suppression of emotions or even emotional numbness.
Instead of resorting to toxic positivity, it’s more helpful to acknowledge and validate the emotions someone is experiencing. A more compassionate approach would be to say something like, “I’m really sorry you’re going through this”, or “It makes sense that you feel this way. You don’t have to rush through it, you can deal with it one day at a time” Such responses show empathy and allow the individual to process their emotions without feeling pressured to hide or minimise them. More often than not, people can figure out the solutions to their problems themselves and all they need to feel seen and have their emotions validated. Listening without judgment, offering support without immediately suggesting solutions, and simply being present can make all the difference in the world.
You know that one person who is always up with the sunshine? Someone everyone loves to be around. There is no drama surrounding her; she is friends with everyone. Her phone wallpaper says “Happiness is a choice”, and if you ask her how she’s doing, the answer is always “Amazing!” with an exclamation mark.
People say she’s inspiring, always ready with advice, giving TED talks daily. She markets positivity with such confidence that you start to question your own sadness. Should you be trying to smile more? Maybe the problem is you? From the outside, it may seem like she is showering in the drizzle of positivity, but when you look closer, you realise she is drowning in it. There are moments, those raw, quiet, unscripted moments, when her brightness flickers.
The day her little sister came to her crying because she did not score well in her math test and was made fun of by her classmates for the same. All the little girl needed was someone to comfort her after a bad day, but what she received from her sister was not what she expected. “Come on, don’t cry, just smile! At least you have a school to go to, some kids don’t even get that!” And then, “Let’s not dwell on the negative, please? Everything is okay!”
These words, although well-intended, meant to cheer her up, ended up brushing aside her true feelings, in a moment where all she required was a fleeting moment of genuine care. A space to feel what she was feeling. Maybe a simple, heartfelt response like, “I’m sorry this happened, it must’ve been quite upsetting”, would’ve gone a long way. Sitting with her in that sadness, holding that feeling, letting her know that it’s alright for her to be upset, that it’s not too small to be upset over, a simple, “I’m here for you”, could’ve made her feel understood and validated. Rather than rushing her out of her pain with forced positivity, acknowledging it would’ve helped her heal.
Read More: When Positivity Becomes a Burden: Understanding Forced Optimism
Let us not forget the time she had a heartbreak of her own. She felt as if her chest had been cracked open and her heart stepped on. She refused to accept it, and instead, she posted about it as it was a breakthrough, not a breakdown. If you look closely, you can see the tiredness in her eyes and the way her smile didn’t quite reach the edges. Yet, she would not cry. She could never allow herself to. Did she even feel other emotions? Yes, of course, but she did not believe she could. This is what toxic positivity looks like: denying the darker shades of our emotions.
Isn’t this behaviour simply being optimistic? No. Optimism refers to the feeling of holding on to hope while accepting the things that are falling apart. Toxic positivity, however, isn’t the same. Optimism helps you to see beyond the fog, whereas toxic positivity manipulates you to believe that the fog doesn’t even exist and is irrelevant to your vision. You know the worst part? It looks so convincing. It is dressed in motivational quotes and pastel aesthetics and often gets mistaken for strength.
Optimism makes us better, but toxic positivity makes us hollow. Once we learn to honour our full emotional range, the ugly, the tender, the irrational, we make room for true peace. Granting space to deal with painful feelings doesn’t eliminate hope; it fosters strength. Embracing our full emotional selves isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s what allows us to heal, grow and genuinely connect.
The most effective way to help someone in distress would not be a forced smile, but with a kind heart and willingness to go through their misery with them. So maybe next time someone tells you that they are struggling, don’t tell them to look on the bright side. Ask them if they want to talk about it or if you can help and make them feel validated and accepted for the same. Try to build that acceptance for yourself as well. Let’s discard the “good vibes only” mentality and move towards a more honest, empathetic and truly positive way of life.
