Everyone has met that one student in class. The one who is always there, strong, listens patiently, knows what to say, understands with just one look and is always organised. The ones most likely to be dubbed as the social therapists, crisis managers, and emotional anchors for their peers. They are just the person to turn to, but what happens when the one who listens to everyone doesn’t have a listening ear for themself? When always showing up, rarely speaking for oneself and being “the understanding one” starts to take its toll?
The social emotional labour carried by these “empathetic/emotionally attuned students” leads not only to burnout, exhaustion, deteriorating mental health and ineffectiveness in academics and other areas of life, but is also often quiet, invisible and easily ignored.
Empathy v/s Emotional Labour
The American Psychological Association describes empathy as “Understanding a person from their frame of reference rather than one’s own, or vicariously experiencing that person’s feelings, perceptions, and thoughts.” They further explain how it should not be confused with the necessity of being of assistance.
Empathy has the following types:-
- Cognitive Empathy: It is the understanding of other people’s emotions.
- Emotional Empathy: It involves feeling other people’s emotions or the ability to respond to them.
Emotional labour, on the other hand, is an active management of one’s emotions, body language, tone, etc, to meet the emotional needs of others.
Empathetic students often use methods of:
- Surface acting: Pretending/faking emotions without genuine feelings
- Deep acting: Active evocation of desired emotions.
The core difference between the two concepts lies in their nature. While empathy might be a spontaneous and genuinely felt response, emotional labour is a strategic control of emotions regardless of actual feelings.
Empathetic students often take on emotional roles in classrooms and friend groups for numerous reasons, such as:-
- Social and gender expectations
- Want of acceptance/ Fear of rejection
- Reinforcements by educational institutions
- Avoiding conflicts, and
- An internalised identity as “the good/understanding one”.
Emotional Labour In Students: Scenarios
While empathy is constantly praised as a tool for genuine connection, care and bonding, for many students, it feels more like a cage, a burden to be carried along. Studies done over the years continue to show how high empathy without boundaries harms students’ well-being. Their greater “emotional intelligence” doesn’t save them from the emotional burnout they face.
- A study by Farina et al. (2020) on high school students showed that higher empathetic concerns correlated with higher emotional exhaustion/ burnout, while the cognitive empathy approach, guided by teachers, resulted in building resilience.
- Similarly, a study by Cairns et al. (2024) on medical students revealed similar findings.
- A Covid-19 era nursing students study by Chen et al. found that nursing students experienced anxiety, increased stress, and emotional overload.
The Overlooked Cost Of Emotional Labour
Emotional labour, although unacknowledged, still has a price. When one’s emotions and behaviour are controlled for too long, they take a toll on the student’s mental, physical, and even social well-being. It can cause:
- Empathy or compassion fatigue: While empathy shows care, when an individual continuously meets other people’s emotional needs, disregarding their own, it often results in feelings of fatigue and helplessness. Students start to feel overwhelmed and drained even from minor social interactions, seeking isolation.
- Cognitive dissonance: Excessive emotional display lacking in genuine feeling leads to cognitive dissonance. These inconsistent thoughts and beliefs often result in high stress levels, irritation, discomfort and negatively affect mental health.
- Burnout: Dealing with the stress of always showing up for others in exchange for one’s well-being often results in burnout. This might result in feelings of ineffectiveness, listlessness and mental exhaustion.
- Poor Academic Performance: This burnout and emotional distress further show up in the declining academic performance of the student. This decline may start as zoning out in class or conversations, skipping classes or even a sudden drop in grades.
- Physical health: This mental stress manifests in physical forms, too. Emotional labour can negatively influence the sleep and dietary habits of the student. They may deal with headaches and health problems such as high blood pressure and often heart disease.
- Boundaries and Autonomy: Overly empathetic students start to empathy as more of a task than an active choice. This often results in people-pleasing tendencies, and maintaining boundaries becomes difficult. Even the thought of saying “no” brings up feelings of guilt and self-blame.
Read More: Psychologists Suggest 9 Things for Parents to Raise Empathetic Children
Advice for “the understanding one”
- Boundary-setting: While helping others is a good thing, going out of one’s way to please others leads to feelings of inadequacy. Students should practice forming healthy boundaries to lower emotional labour and control over their lives. This can be done by learning to say “no” when necessary and speaking up for oneself.
- Taking breaks: It is okay to take a break. It not only reduces stress, but also helps students recharge, nd their purpose, pursue their interests and increase productivity. Prioritising oneself and knowing when to walk away is essential to prevent burnout.
- Practising Mindfulness: Using mindfulness techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, progressive muscle relaxation and checking one’s intentions may help a student cope with stressful and overwhelming situations. These practices improve focus, diminish anxiety and regulate emotions.
- Seeking support: Another important part of mindfulness is knowing when one needs support. Students shouldn’t have to carry the burden of emotional labour alone. They can actively ask for help from their peers, parents, teachers and if required, professionals in the end, rather than bottling up their problems.
- Supportive environment: The cost of always being the listener is real and often invisible. Students should seek out spaces where their support is acknowledged, appreciated and validated.
There’s something powerful about being the reliable one. However, even the stronger ones have their own emotional needs and need a shoulder. For students who are praised for being “mature for their age” and “emotionally intelligent”, who’ve learned to take responsibilities on their backs, the burden often builds slowly. From a simple act of kindness, it becomes a rigorous routine that they can’t get out of.
But empathy isn’t infinite. If overdone, it leads to exhaustion and burnout. It needs rest, boundaries and mutual support to grow. In a world where empathy is praised, but not protected, it becomes essential to understand when it takes the form of emotional labour, and active involvement of educators, peers and parents should be there so that a student’s empathy does not come at the cost of their well-being.
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