Love Isn’t Blind-It’s Aware: Does Knowing Your Partner’s Past Matter?

Often, when we are getting to know someone, especially if it is a potential partner, we want to know everything we can about them. Their likes, dislikes, values, their present life, as well as their past. While one’s present values and ways of living are factors we consider while and before a relationship, our partner’s past matters too. This article talks about how love isn’t blind, rather it’s awareness, and why knowing your partner’s past matters. 

Attachment Styles and History 

Attachment styles are a key factor in understanding how a person is in friendships, relationships. It is deeply attached to one’s past and developing years, and how they interacted with their caregivers, and the consequences of the respective attachment styles. Understanding your partner’s personality styles is important to understanding your relationship better as well. A few of them are secure attachment, avoidant attachment, insecure, as well as disordered and ambivalent attachment(MSEd, 2023i) 

Aoisnwirth and Bowlby explained attachment styles as something that initiated in childhood and one carried into adulthood. Childhood attachment bonds later influence and shape future romantic relationships. Something as common as your partner’s past relationships, their relationship with family members, parents, friends and more from the past is important to understand their kind of attachment style. This also transfers into the current romantic relationship. Also, understanding if there have been changes in attachment styles from one previous partner to another can help one greatly understand their partner more (Hazan, C., & Shaver, P., 1987). 

Read More: Can Attachment Style Shape Your Adulthood

Emotional Baggage and The Nature of a Relationship 

A few important concepts here are transference, in some cases, behaviour and thought process post a stressful past event or even trauma, and ways of emotional regulation by your partner. Research done to explore childhood trauma and experience and marital outcomes in adulthood helps us understand the nature of a relationship a lot better. When translated to not just married couples but also in relationships that are yet to be married, outcomes like breakups, divorce, etc, can stem from childhood trauma and experience that leads to a certain kind of emotional baggage carried by your partner. 

For example, your partner’s relationship with his parents can be brought into the relationship as a possible factor for pre- or post-marriage living conditions, values, and traditions passed down that the partner might be expected to follow and more. This also includes stuff like emotional suppression, violence, and more that can be transferred or get projected into the existing romantic relationship (Whisman, M. A. 2006).

Read More: Breaking the Silence: Exploring the Impact of Childhood Trauma

Intimacy, Trust and Honesty 

In a relationship few of the most important parts are trust, intimacy, honesty and full self-disclosure to your partner. Here, your partner’s past is important and being open about it as well, since it enhances the trust in the relationship. The self-disclosure theory talks more in depth about the same. To expand this further, the concept of Perceived partner responsiveness (PPR), which is the perception that a partner understands, values, and responds supportively to one’s needs, is another vital component that affects intimacy in an interpersonal relationship (Candel & Turliuc, 2021). Being able to understand your partner’s past equips one better to understand their needs, values and thought processes. 

Read More: Is Emotional Intimacy Key to a Lasting Relationship?

Communication and The Past 

The better the communication and openness about your partner’s history and past experiences, where one can understand their partner’s values, upbringing and overall socio-environmental factors that contribute to their personality, the better trust there can be and easier understanding of your partner (Bandaru, 2023). 

Read More: Mastering Effective Communication: Building Trust and Strong Relationships

Conclusion 

Having an understanding of your partner’s past, his attachment styles, upbringing and relationships, as well as the overall socio-environmental factors from childhood till present that may have contributed to shaping his personality, is core to a relationship to build a stronger foundation and a healthier, open, happier relationship. 

FAQs 

1. How do attachments play a role in your partner’s past? 

Aoisnwirth and Bowlby explained attachment styles as something that initiated in childhood and one carried into adulthood. Attachment bonds formed in childhood then carry over into future romantic relationships. This transfers into the current romantic relationship as well. Also, understanding if there have been changes in attachment styles from one previous partner to another can help one greatly understand their partner more (Hazan, C., & Shaver, P., 1987) 

2. How is honesty and self-disclosure important?

Perceived partner responsiveness (PPR), which is the perception that a partner understands, values, and responds supportively to one’s needs, is another vital component that affects intimacy in an interpersonal relationship (Candel & Turliuc, 2021). Being able to understand your partner’s past equips one better to understand their needs, values and thought processes. 

3. How can childhood experiences and baggage be a core component of your partner’s past?

For example, your partner’s relationship with his parents can be brought into the relationship as a possible factor for pre- or post-marriage living conditions, values, and traditions passed down that the partner might be expected to follow and more. This also includes stuff like emotional suppression, violence, and more that can transfer or get projected into the existing romantic relationship (Whisman, M. A. 2006).