It’s late at night, and you’ve had a long, tiring, and uneventful day. You finally collapse onto your bed, scrolling through your phone, and you are hit with news of achievements : someone landing a job, others travelling without a care, someone else getting engaged, and a friend celebrating some milestone. You feel genuine happiness for their accomplishments, but somewhere in the back of your head, there’s a voice asking, “Why couldn’t that be me?”
In today’s world, with rush and bustle, we are constantly feeling like we signed up for an invisible competition with the rest of humanity. In a world that is all about being “the best,” it’s easy to believe that you’re simply not good enough. This constant comparison doesn’t just take your joy, but rather it slowly erodes your self-esteem and worth. We constantly work hard to come up on top, but what if the answer isn’t to put in more effort to become the best, but to be kinder to yourself and grow emotionally?
Read More: How To Overcome Low Self-Esteem?
The Psychological Understanding of Comparison
At its very core, comparison is not just about noticing the similarities and differences between ourselves and others, but rather it’s a deep and innate need to understand who we are in the world around us. This drive also helps us to assess how we fit in social groups and helps us evaluate our personal and social status.
Psychological research, particularly the studies of Leon Festinger, helps us to better understand the need to compare through his Social Comparison Theory, where individuals evaluate their self-worth and capabilities by comparing themselves with those around them (BetterHelp, 2024; Cherry, 2024). He further identified two main types of comparison: upward and downward comparison.
Upward comparison occurs when we compare ourselves with someone we admire or perceive to have a superior role and status, such as comparing oneself to a successful colleague or a classmate who is high achieving. On the other hand, downward comparison is when one compares oneself with those whose circumstances are less favourable or worse than their own. Such comparisons are often made to gain a temporary sense of reassurance and satisfaction with our lives.
Research shows that people tend to compare upwards when seeking inspiration to grow and progress, and downward when they wish to boost their self-esteem and improve their mood (Cherry, 2024). Thus, when efficiently compared, upward comparisons can encourage self-improvement, and downward comparisons can instil a sense of gratitude for what we hold. However, during unhealthy comparison, the former can trigger feelings of inadequacy and envy, while the latter can instil a false sense of superiority.
Impact of Comparison on Mental Health
1. Deteriorating self-esteem
Continuous comparisons to others, particularly to those who are more productive, self-efficient and of a superior status, can gradually undermine confidence and self-esteem. In the long run, it can instil an unconscious feeling of inferiority and unworthiness that may shape your self-esteem and overall perception of yourself in a detrimental manner (Cangialosi, 2024).
2. Increased risk of mental health disorders
Measuring your worth and esteem by comparing yourself to others will create pressure to fit in with the rest and to never fall behind in the competition. This pressure leads to a constant cycle of unhealthy comparisons, which can result in increased stress, anxiety, depression, lack of focus on personal goals and low emotional resistance (Cangialosi, 2024).
3. Reduced motivations
While some comparisons can lead to an individual’s growth and improvement, unhealthy comparisons often have the opposite effect. Having the belief that you will never be enough or that you are not capable of achieving certain milestones can contribute to the gradual loss of motivation. Eventually, the lack of motivation will start to affect other aspects of life and can worsen both physical and mental well-being (Cangialosi, 2024).
4. Difficult relationships
Comparisons can often lead to feelings of envy and hatred, particularly if the ones you are comparing to are your close family members, friends, or colleagues. It may become increasingly difficult to be sincere with them and to genuinely appreciate their accomplishments. Eventually, comparisons can result in alienated and strained relationships (Calm, 2025).
Read More: Mental Load in Relationships: What it is and Why it’s often invisible.
5. Loss of direction
Continuous comparisons can drive your focus away from your goals and personal values to others’ interests and achievements. You may set up unrealistic standards that are impossible to attain and can end up following ambitions that were never your actual priorities.
Significance of Self-Compassion
Being compassionate to others is a fundamental moral value; however, we often forget to direct that compassion to ourselves. Psychologist Neff (2015) dedicated her research to the concept of self-compassion. Self-compassion is treating oneself with kindness, recognising the universality of struggles and accepting yourselves (Neff, 2015). With comparison replacing compassion, self-criticism focusing on faults and failures is also increasing. Self-compassion encourages us to react patiently to failures rather than judge them harshly.
Compassion is a countermeasure to comparison. It helps people realise that the need to compare and the belief that they are not good enough are detrimental to their well-being. Instead, they should aim at improving their skills and abilities to be a better version of themselves and not of others. Additionally, the hard work and the efforts taken should not be brushed off but rather appreciated and valued. Some studies show that self-compassion is the answer to improve self-esteem, mental health, emotional resilience, and enhance life satisfaction. Furthermore, it promotes healthy relationships and boosts personal and emotional growth (Harvard Health Publishing, 2021).
Read More: The Psychology of Self-Compassion: More powerful than self-esteem?
Healing Self-Esteem Through the Journey from Comparison to Compassion
1. Stopping the Habit of Comparing
- Notice comparison without judgment: Pay attention when you start comparing yourself and consciously choose to stop thinking that way. However, don’t criticise yourself, as comparison can be instinctual and is not a simple process to stop (Cangialosi, 2024).
- Speak positively about yourself: Replace harsh thoughts with kind and encouraging words about yourself (Cangialosi, 2024).
- Become aware and avoid your triggers: Notice the kinds of situations, people or other triggers, including insecurities that make you compare yourself and try to avoid or reduce them (Haas, 2018).
2. Transitioning from Comparison to Compassion
- Understand the commonality of struggles: Remember that everyone faces challenges, and you are not alone in your struggles. For instance, if you compare yourself with your peer who got good grades, remember that their success does not mean that they did not face any challenges along the way.
- Be grateful and resist the “I am not enough thoughts: Focus on the past and present accomplishments and difficulties that you overcame and challenge the feelings of inadequacy about your life (Haas, 2018).
- Reflect on your feelings: Acknowledge that it’s okay to slip up sometimes and compare ourselves with others. The change from comparison to compassion is not an overnight journey. Additionally, try viewing comparisons differently. Instead of seeing them as proof of your lack, see it as an inspiration to grow.
3. Maintaining self-compassion
- Build a supportive social network that surrounds you with people who lift you and boost your self-esteem and self-worth.
- Take time to celebrate both small and big achievements in your journey (Cangialosi, 2024).
- Write down things you are thankful for to stay mindful of the good in your life. Repeat positive affirmations each day to remind yourself of your worth (Cangialosi, 2024).
Read More: How to Cultivate Self-Compassion and Promote Mental Well-being
Conclusion
Human beings naturally tend to compare themselves to others, and while some comparisons can help with inspiration and can act as a role model to help you with self-improvement, oftentimes comparison tarnishes self-esteem and distort our perception of ourselves. It is necessary to recognise the warning signs when comparison starts affecting your mental health and take the initiative toward becoming more compassionate with yourself.
Through compassion, we appreciate the positive growth and manage negative thoughts without judgment and criticism. Our transition from wanting to be ‘better than them’ to becoming a ‘better version of your previous self’ establishes confidence that stems from personal growth rather than competitive comparisons. This development of self-esteem and worth begins when we treat ourselves with kindness.
Read More: Altruism: Motivations Behind Kindness and Helping Behaviour
FAQS
1. Is comparison always bad?
No comparison is not always bad. Healthy comparisons can inspire and motivate individuals to grow and strive. Unhealthy comparisons, on the other hand, can damage self-esteem and increase stress.
2. Can I stop comparing myself completely?
Since comparison is a natural human tendency, it might not be possible to completely stop comparing. However, we can certainly reduce it by reflecting on our thoughts without judgment and treating ourselves with compassion.
3. How long does it take to build self-compassion?
Building self-compassion can take a varying amount of time depending on the consistency of practices like gratitude journaling, introspection, optimistic thoughts and other measures.
4. Why do I compare myself more on social media?
Social media’s accessibility and glorification of the bright and positive aspects of life make it easy to forget about the struggles and hardships that individuals face.
5. Is self-compassion the same as self-pity?
No, self-compassion is treating yourself with kindness and understanding your thoughts without criticism and voicing out your opinions in a respectful manner, whereas self-pity is feeling excessive sorrow and being very unsatisfied with one’s troubles.
References +
BetterHelp. (2024). Comparing Yourself To Others: Downsides, Benefits, And Learning to Love Yourself | BetterHelp. BetterHelp. https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/general/comparing-yoursel-to-others downsides-benefits-and-learning-to-love-yourself/
Calm. (2025). Here’s how social comparison theory is impacting your life. Calm Blog. https://www.calm.com/blog/social-comparison-theory
Cangialosi, J. (2024). The Dangers of Comparing Yourself to Others and How to Break the Cycle. Medium. https://medium.com/jcangialosi/the-dangers-of-comparing yourself-to-others-and-how-to-break-the-cycle-55550a46edf2
Cherry, K. (2024). How Social Comparison Theory Influences Our Views on Ourselves. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-the-social-comparison process-2795872
Haas , S. B. (2018). How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prescriptions-for-life/201803/how to-stop-comparing-yourself-to-others
Harvard Health Publishing. (2021). 4 ways to boost your self-compassion. Harvard Health; Harvard Health. https://www.health.harvard.edu/mental-health/4-ways to-boost-your-self-compassion
Neff, K. (2015). Self-Compassion. Self-Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/
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