You know that moment? Your phone lights up again. Also, your coworker needs weekend help. Your buddy’s inviting you to their third event this week. A family member asks for a favour that’ll swallow your whole evening. Your gut clenches, your brain scrambles for excuses… and then somehow, “Sure, no problem!” pops out. Again. Later, you’re kicking yourself, buried under commitments you never wanted, wondering Why is ‘no’ so damn impossible for me?
If this hits home, breathe deep – you’re in good company. That small word sticks in your throat like a chicken bone. Instead of “no,” we choke out “yes” while guilt hisses: “Don’t be selfish!” But constantly betraying yourself leaves you hollowed out, bitter, and running on fumes. So why? It’s not about being “nice.” This runs much deeper, straight to childhood wiring, societal influences, and primal fears. Let’s crack this open.
Read More: The Science of Saying No: Protecting Your Energy in a Yes Culture
What’s Going On in Our Brains?
Think of boundaries like your personal force field. They protect your energy, your time, your feelings, basically, you. Boundaries are tools that enable us to feel safe, strong, and empowered in our relationships, allowing us to make the choices that are best for us (Tiny Buddha, 2022).
But many of us grew up in a “Yes Culture.” Saying “no” felt like failing. We became people pleasers: terrified of conflict, starving for approval, and drowning in guilt if someone looked even slightly disappointed. Research shows that people-pleasing behaviors are often exhibited by individuals who fear abandonment from others, and they may support others at the expense of their own needs (PsychCentral, 2024).
Why? We’re wired for connection. Attachment theory is centred on the emotional bonds between people and suggests that our earliest attachments can leave a lasting mark on our lives (Verywell Mind, n.d.). Back in cave-people days, getting kicked out of the group meant certain doom. Our brains still freak out at the idea of rejection, even if it’s just missing a happy hour. Plus, we often confuse “no” with being mean or confrontational. We never learned that you can be kind and firm at the same time.
Read More: Why boundaries are not Selfish
Where Did This “Yes” Habit Start?
It usually begins way back. Our early attachment styles are established in childhood through the infant/caregiver relationship (Verywell Mind, n.d.). Remember being praised as a “good kid”? That usually meant being quiet, agreeable, and doing what you were told. But if you pushed back or said “no,” you probably heard things like:
- “Don’t be rude!”
- “Be nice!”
- “Just do it for me!”
That taught us early on that other people’s comfort mattered more than our own. And it wasn’t just parents. Teachers, relatives… authority figures often reinforced this. We learned love felt conditional, like we only got it when we made others happy. Gender stuff piled on, too. Girls are often taught that being “nice” and accommodating is top priority. Boys? Told to tough it out, hide vulnerability. Either way, we learned our own needs weren’t the priority.
Read More: Emotion Regulation Across the Lifespan: Mechanisms and Outcomes
Society’s Sneaky Pressure
It’s not just our personal baggage. Culture plays a huge role:
- Collectivist Vibes: In cultures emphasising family/group harmony over the individual, saying “no” can feel like betrayal. Your needs take a backseat.
- Martyrdom Myth: We weirdly celebrate burning out! The hero is the one working 80 hours, never saying no, always putting themselves last. Saying “no” gets labelled selfish.
- Workplace Traps: That “team player” idea? Often twisted into “never set limits.” Say no to extra work? Risk being seen as “not committed.” Say yes constantly? Get praised (until you crash).
- Spiritual Guilt: Even well-meaning messages about service and sacrifice can be misinterpreted, making us feel guilty for basic self-care.
Read More: Managing Therapist Burnout: Self-Care Strategies for Mental Health Professionals
The Emotional Rollercoaster of “No”
Just thinking about saying no can trigger a flood of awful feelings:
- Guilt: That heavy “I’m letting them down” feeling. We wrongly assume we’re responsible for their disappointment.
- Fear: What if they get mad? What if they leave? What if they think I’m awful? (Spoiler: The fear is usually way bigger than reality.)
- Shame: The deepest cut. This isn’t “I did something bad” (guilt), it’s “I am bad.” Thoughts like “I’m so selfish” or “I’m a terrible friend” creep in.
For trauma survivors, the physical sensation of setting a boundary, saying “no” when you’ve always said “yes,” can trigger a full-blown stress response. This isn’t weakness or oversensitivity; it’s neurobiology (A Road Through, 2025). This emotional storm makes us say “yes” again, feeding the vicious cycle.
Read More: The mental health benefits of saying ‘No’
What Happens When We Never Say No?
The cost is real, and it sucks:
- Burnout City: Burnout results from chronic work-related stress. People who are burned out are emotionally drained and feel negative and detached from work, which leads to decreased performance, inhibited creativity and innovation, workplace accidents, absenteeism, and physical and mental illnesses (ScienceDirect, n.d.). Inadequate boundaries lead to burnout because we all have limited amounts of time, energy, and money, requiring mindful decisions about how we use our resources (Better Boundaries Workbook, 2022).
- Resentment Builds: People-pleasing can lead to burnout, relationship resentment, and a constant feeling of being overwhelmed (Psychology Today, 2023). Saying yes when you mean no breeds quiet fury – at the person, the situation, and yourself. This poisons relationships.
- Losing Yourself: Worst of all? You forget who you are. Your own wants, needs, and values get buried under everyone else’s. You might feel empty, anxious, or totally adrift.
Read More: Why Do People Hold Deep Grudges?
The Bottom Line
Learning to say “no” is a journey, not a one-time fix. It’ll feel awkward at first, that’s normal! It means you’re breaking old patterns. Remember: Setting boundaries for how much you’re willing to do is healthy and beneficial for your relationships (Psychology Today, 2023). Healthy boundaries aren’t walls; they’re the gates that let good things in while protecting your energy. When you honour your limits, you show up better for the people and things you truly care about. You model self-respect, and honestly? And you give others permission to do the same.
You have the right to protect your time, your energy, and your peace. Saying “no” isn’t rejection; it’s choosing you. And that’s not selfish, it’s essential. Your future self (the well-rested, authentic, not burnt-out version) is already thanking you for starting. Next time your phone lights up with a request, pause. Ask yourself: “Do I want to say yes – or am I just afraid to say no?”
That pause? That’s your power showing up.
References +
A Road Through. (2025). Trauma survivors and boundary setting.
Better Boundaries Workbook. (2022). Managing personal resources and preventing burnout.
Psychology Today. (2023). People-pleasing and relationship dynamics. Psychology Today.
PsychCentral. (2024). People-pleasing behaviors and fear of abandonment. PsychCentral.
ScienceDirect. (n.d.). Burnout and chronic work-related stress. ScienceDirect.
Tiny Buddha. (2022). Boundaries as tools for empowerment. Tiny Buddha.
Verywell Mind. (n.d.). Attachment theory and emotional bonds. Verywell Mind.
