Why boundaries are not Selfish

Setting some boundaries helps us boost our self-respect. Those invisible lines make you realise your individuality—what you want or don’t want. Boundaries mean drawing some essential rules or limitations for your good. And yes, they are also important for maintaining a super healthy connection with other human beings on any level or in any context. 

What does Keeping Boundaries look like? 

Now, consider the following hypothetical situation and reflect on it: A studious student texted her class teacher after 11 pm to ask a question related to studies. But the teacher didn’t reply back, and she made it clear to the whole class that she will not expect any messages after 7pm because it is her ‘me’ time. 

What do you all think about her decision to set boundaries for herself, even though she is a teacher? Do you all think she is a selfish teacher? 

This is what is known as setting boundaries around our personal space. So it does not mean that the teacher does not care about students. Being available for a particular time is associated with work-life balance and discipline; therefore, it is not a selfish act. This is how the line blurs between personal space and professional role expectations via unsettled digital boundaries. Well, there are many types of boundaries that we can draw to protect ourselves from being hijacked by others overstepping their nature. Or else we can say that preserving our priorities is necessary in today’s world. 

How do you Balance Empathy and personal limits?

According to Psychologist Aritri Gosh, Empathy means being emotionally present and understanding someone’s feelings without judgment. It’s not about offering grand advice or feeling pity—it’s about saying, “I’m with you. You’re not alone,” while staying neutral and supportive. However, it’s equally important to maintain personal limits. While listening to someone’s problems, we must not immerse ourselves so deeply that we begin to carry their emotional burdens ourselves. For example, if someone is going through a divorce or has lost a loved one, we can listen and offer emotional support—but we must draw a line so we don’t get emotionally overwhelmed ourselves.

Before offering empathy, it’s important to reflect: How much emotional space can I offer without crossing my own limits? Once we know that, we must communicate it clearly. Whether it’s a yes or a no, we must say it openly and respectfully—without creating confusion. Let’s say I’m a psychologist. I’m there to listen during sessions. But I also have boundaries—like not attending to personal calls late at night. To manage this, I need to introduce boundaries early and help clients understand that “no” is also a part of healthy communication. People who are emotionally vulnerable may find it difficult to hear “no,” but it’s important to help them accept it.

Clear communication avoids confusion. We shouldn’t say things like, “Maybe I can,” if we’re unsure. Instead, give a clear “yes” or “no,” based on your capacity. Boundaries protect both you and the person you’re helping. In short, balancing empathy with personal limits means being present for others while staying aware of your own emotional capacity. Set boundaries early, communicate clearly, and remember—it’s okay to say no when needed.

Get hold of your Sense of self 

One of the popular quotes of Lorraine Nilon is, “The more you value yourself, the healthier your boundaries are.” It means setting boundaries gives you a clear definition of your values, needs, wants, principles, and preferences. Research from 2009 says that the self has been developing within the range of sense of self and other external factors like social relationships and social expectations (Powell, 2009). Therefore, finding a balance between your limitations and getting along with others is very important. It gives you a golden chance to create a space to make choices freely without any burden of expectations. 

Thinking about yourself is not selfish, right? 

The self-confidence, self-esteem, and such self-oriented attributes will get strength to build a positive self-concept to strive in a career from boundaries.

Encourage Healthy Relationships 

Every type of relationship needs careful handling; you can not be taken for granted, nor can you take others for granted. And boundaries will help you to cultivate mutual respect. People unknowingly overstep into others’ personal space, for example, by being overprotective, interfering in every decision, or being critical about their piece of work to an overly extended degree. This leads to bitterness. As a solution, we have to say no in a kind way. It brings out the clarity in the relations. Healthy Relationships point out that we can not pretend forever; at one point, we have to let go of some fears and insecurities and embrace who we are and what others are.

Teaching others how to treat you brings clarity 

The invisible lines of limitations need to be communicated clearly. For that, saying ‘NO’ is most commonly practised by people. Because people assume that you are okay with their demands or things. Boundaries will help people understand your availability, and support has some limitations. Not all demands are fulfilled. Especially at the workplace, people get drained from saying yes to everyone to maintain good relations and to get promotions, and end up hurting themselves, too. Here are some smart phrases to say no to work: 

1. Unfortunately, now is not a good time. 
2. Sorry, but not this time. 
3. Sounds tempting, but I’ll have to pass. 

Expressing dislikes, sharing your opinions, and staying firm on your ground of preferences—all the boundaries are necessary to avoid inner conflicts and misunderstandings. 

Empathy without Boundaries might lead to long-term loss 

Empathy means being in someone’s shoes. When you prioritise others’ needs first in the list, then, for sure, burnout, mental exhaustion, and envy will burst out. Research by Koutsimani & Georganta (2019) says that there is a relationship between mental exhaustion and mental health issues. Saving your energy indicates that you are meeting your own needs to stay steady in the waves of ups and downs. Remember one thing: when you can hold onto yourself for the long run, then you can help others also.

Make others independent

Helping others gives you a feeling of contentment. But sometimes, not helping others is also one form of a prosocial act, which can create discomfort, such as hearing a no from others and saying it out loud. We have great examples of our mothers— how they set the boundaries between children and themselves to make their child independent. If they are constantly there to fulfil every need of their children, then they will never become self-reliant. It hampers the growth of our loved ones. So boundaries can not be selfish at all; furthermore, they are empowering others.

Why are boundaries considered Selfish, especially in our culture? 

According to Clinical Psychologist, Palkee Baruah, In many collectivist cultures like ours, the idea of the “self” is often rooted in relationships, family, community, and shared responsibilities. Individuals are raised to prioritise harmony, obedience, and self-sacrifice. As a result, asserting one’s needs, especially when they conflict with others’ expectations, can be misinterpreted as rebellion, arrogance, or selfishness.

Setting boundaries challenges longstanding norms about what it means to be a “good” child, partner, or caregiver. It invites discomfort, especially for those who have benefited from others not having clear boundaries. For example, when a woman says no to emotional labour in her household or when a son prioritises his mental health over family obligations, it disrupts the familiar power dynamic. This discomfort often leads people to label boundary-setting as “selfish,” not because it is, but because it is unfamiliar and inconvenient.

As a therapist, I often remind clients: boundaries are not walls to shut people out, but bridges that define how we can connect with others in ways that are respectful and sustainable. In fact, they preserve relationships and not damage them. By setting limits, we honour both ourselves and the relationship, ensuring that connection does not come at the cost of mental health.

Conclusion 

Setting boundaries is protecting our personal space. It can be the art of communication. Those boundaries must be communicated in an appropriate manner rather than in aggressive ways. So it can create space for you as well as for others to express themselves. Being straightforward with what you want is not selfish. Preserving your self-respect and protecting your mental health will help you create good-quality relationships. No one has to compromise for their needs. Everyone will be heard. Boundaries should be followed without any guilt or hesitation. 

FAQs 

1. Is setting boundaries a form of self-care? 

Yes, It gives you a sense of what you want and what you don’t want. Make you bold enough to go for your preferences without any hesitation. It makes you confident to prioritise your needs. 

2. Why do people feel Guilty for setting Boundaries? 

They are conditioned to be selfless because it is morally idealistic. So they think boundaries are wrong and selfish. 

3. Why are boundaries good? 

They help you grow in every aspect of your life. We can save our time and energy, create a burden-free environment, and prioritise our needs. It teaches you how to be firm and assertive and yet polite with others. Overall, it can bring happiness and good mental health.