Why Children Who Are “Seen But Not Heard” May Struggle with Communication as Adults 

Nodding your head to everything that parents say is considered ideal behaviour in our society. People often perceive children who ask questions as being mischievous. These patterns in parent-child relationships have been followed for many generations. Even in the Gen Z era, adults give examples of other children, praising how the neighbour’s child is “seen but not heard.”

This suggests that the expected behaviour from children is based on concepts such as obedience, discipline, authority, and control. While obeying parents has its place, it can have repercussions – children’s thought processes, ideas, and judgments of right and wrong may be hampered. Their ability to express feelings might remain underdeveloped. Consequently, they may face difficulties in communication as they grow. 

As the world is growing at a fast pace, being an expressive person helps a lot in career and in relationship aspects. Because one has time to mind read, one has to be open and present oneself with clarity and confidence. So this article unfolds: Why do some adults struggle to express themselves, assert boundaries, or articulate their needs? Often, the answer lies in the quiet corners of their childhood. 

Why Do We Encourage Children to Be Robotic? 

The strictness to this extent makes the parents inclined to an authoritarian parenting style, which describes high demands and a low level of verbal communication (Baumrind, 1966). By rejecting children’s point of view, parents feel they are right. It shows they don’t opt for emotional bonding; instead, they demand obedience. However, this parenting style does not focus on development, even though it helps raise a disciplined child. 

Unconditional positive regard is characterised by support and acceptance of the person while allowing them to grow in their own way, without setting boundaries at the cost of affection. This is a genuine need that Carl Rogers’ humanistic theory emphasised, to develop a healthy self-concept (Cherry, 2024). In the process of becoming an adult, they internalise the belief that their opinions and thoughts are not important, which damages their self-esteem and overall self-expression.

The development of Communication skills in children 

Children learn to communicate through interaction, modelling, and feedback. Open dialogue, emotional validation, and responsiveness from caregivers help build not only vocabulary but also emotional and social intelligence. Vygotsky’s sociocultural theory explains how cognitive development is influenced by society and how its growth sis supported by social interaction. (Vygotsky, L. S., 1978). Children who do not get a chance to express their likes, dislikes, and preferences through conversation tend to lag when it comes time to learn from mistakes and develop strong interaction skills. 

If they can not express themselves, then as a result, their social interaction can be limited, leading to misunderstanding and wrong interpretation of social cues. Social cues are one of the tools of communication, misinterpretations cannot guide you through interpersonal dynamics as adults (Rekhi, 2024). 

The Price of Well-behaved but not heard 

1. Hard to express 

When children are shamed for expressing their emotions or pouring their hearts out, they may struggle in adulthood to acknowledge their feelings, and might even view their emotional responses as immature when those emotions feel out of control. 

Salovey, P., & Mayer, J. D. (1990) defined emotional intelligence; they explained that it entails how we see, understand our own and others, and how we can balance. When a child is suppressed for a long time, over time their thought get complicated, and confusion arises; they are unable to connect with their inner self or control their emotional side. 

Emotional intelligence begins to develop in the earliest years. All the small exchanges children have with their parents, teachers, and with each other carry emotional messages. 

Daniel Goleman

2. Self-esteem is low 

When parents actively participate in their children’s lives, whether in studies, sports, or artistic pursuits, their interest supports the child to participate more. Research says this involvement negatively correlates with self-esteem among adolescents. It also improved mental well-being and made the child resilient to future challenges (Jain, P., & Teotia, A., 2024). 

But if parents’ involvement is beyond just monitoring, it is more often demanding, so children feel their participation is worthless. Children are buried under the pressure of self-doubt, shame. They do not speak for themselves as adults. 

3. They cannot handle conflicts. 

Children who do not express their disagreements or disapprovals may struggle to handle conflicts effectively; instead, they might either hold back from speaking or provoke arguments. They fail to resolve the issue in constructive ways. 

Social learning theory proposes that children learn from their surroundings; they observe and replicate (McLeod, 2025). This modelling perspective suggests that if children experience an authoritarian parenting style, they may adopt destructive ways of resolving conflicts, never consider becoming negotiators or mediators, and fail to see that effective communication can be the key. 

4. Silenced by Self-doubts: What if they judged me? 

Children go through significant developmental transitions and mature accordingly, so if they simply follow others’ words, they may come to believe that speaking their minds is disrespectful. This conditioning can create a false impression of obedience. They might associate putting forward their thoughts with the fear of rejection. 

The root cause of irrational beliefs about self hides in our childhood experiences. For example, “What I think is meaningless” can stem from how parents interact with you. This maladaptive thinking leads to social anxiety or performance anxiety, or easily giving up the confrontations, and indulging in rehearsals. Still feel underconfident while expressing or just talking in front of others.

5. Difficulty in saying NO 

To set a boundary around yourself requires skills like self-awareness, straightforwardness. These skills are nurtured in childhood. Our assertiveness will take place when self-efficacy is well established. Foremostly, it is developed in a family environment when children get sufficient freedom to explore new things and especially do something that their heart says.

Bandura (1997) explained that having low self-efficacy means individuals do not believe they can achieve an outcome through their actions. If a child is constantly being told to keep quiet while elders are discussing, they do not become confident and assertive in adulthood. They tend to settle for less in relationships. 

Attachment and Communication 

John Bowlby proposed the attachment style theory in 1969, which highlights that children nurtured by a secure attachment style always feel confident and expressive, and they are self-aware while interacting with others. This secured childhood reflects in their adulthood. On the other hand, those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles could become inappropriately dependent on other people’s praise or run from emotional talks. 

Securely attached children find their mothers as their “secure base.” But when children who do not grow up with a secure base are also not emotionally strong, they are also not prepared to trust the outside world. They cannot articulate personal needs in adulthood. 

Why Awareness Is the First Step Toward Change 

Every child is entitled to have support, safety, and validation from family and society. The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child makes this clear—it says that children have the right to express themselves, to be protected, and to grow into their full potential. But in many places, especially in a country like India, the lived reality doesn’t always reflect these ideals. According to the Indian Journal of Psychiatry (2019), around 50 million children in India were dealing with mental health issues. Shockingly, 80 to 90 per cent of them had never received any help.

This gap between what’s promised and what happens in children’s lives reveals just how crucial awareness is. Rights hold no value at all if no one knows they exist—or if no one knows how to support them. If we want to cherish every child’s life, then we must celebrate their growth by providing them with friendly spaces where they can grow from saplings into strong trees. Mental well-being must be nurtured with love to help them become great human beings. Thereafter, future generations can be born and raised in a more caring world. They can become confident leaders, wonderful orators, expressive artists, social reformers, and critical thinkers. That begins with listening, with awareness, and with the understanding that being heard is not a privilege—it’s a right. 

Bottom line 

The idiom “Children should be seen and not heard” is still instilled in the actions of most parents, influencing our society. Silencing them leads to the suppression of children’s emotions, therefore, children have to face a lot of adversities in the social world. This suppression negatively impacts emotional intelligence, self-esteem, and communication patterns. But awareness can change this perception from this authoritative approach to “It takes a village to raise a child.” 

We all need to unlearn old patterns to create a new environment where approaches like constructivism can play a more effective role. For that, gaining psychological insight into the root causes of intergenerational suppression is essential to ensure freedom of expression for all ages. 

FAQs 

1. How to break the cycle of “Seen But Not Heard”? 

• Give your child’s personal space to reflect on your words, emotions 
• Journaling, creative writing can help to know your child
• Ask them about their opinions on various situations 
• Most important: Genuine conversation 
• Establish an emotional bond 
• Provide a free environment to express feelings 
• Take experts’ help: Therapeutic help 
• Communication skills training 
• Supportive relationship

2. Why are children so talkative? 

They are learning continuously. They have so much to tell because of constant observation. Sometimes, kids get nervous or stressed out, so they talk a lot. 

3. What causes the lack of communication between parents and children? 

• Generational gap 
• Parents play an authoritative role 
• There might be no emotional connection 
• Parents don’t give chance to express their children 
• Cultural conditioning: children cannot speak or argue, trying to make them well-behaved by silencing them