Empathy and autonomy are the two most important aspects of children’s growth, development and understanding of themselves as well as the world around them. Children often expect or crave their parents’ approval and understanding. A common complaint can be how children feel like they’re not heard or seen, or their choices aren’t respected, and sometimes adults feel that too. Generational differences, environmental and experiential causes, as well as personality, can play a huge role in how the child and the adult perceive things and the empathy held by them, respectively. It can often also lead to empathy gaps where the adult does not always entirely understand the child’s thinking process and behaviours when the children use their autonomy. This article delves deeper into the empathy gaps in adults’ understanding of children’s autonomy.
Autonomy And Children’s Perspectives
The foundation of understanding the world is that everyone has their own perspective on viewing the world, people, feelings, and experiences around them. The theory of mind helps explain how an adult’s understanding of their children’s point of view can mutually create understanding gaps. The theory suggests that every individual can attribute mental states to others and oneself. To reinstate it is the understanding that everyone has their own feelings, perceptions, emotions and more that can be different from one’s own feelings and perspectives(Simply Psychology, 2023a). This difference can result in differences of opinion and gaps, especially in child-adult bonds.
Autonomy comes into play when Parental paternalism grows up and realises they can act according to his or her own understanding of things to make decisions and behave accordingly. For example, when a child finds a subject difficult, they may have their own way of learning it that is different from how their parents may have learnt it. This can result in the adult feeling like the child isn’t following the ‘correct’ way of understanding something, leading to differences in opinion and gaps. The adult feels frustrated while the child can feel a range of emotions from confusion, misunderstanding and more. Here, the interplay of gaps in empathy comes in.
When a parent is unable to give the child that independence because they want the child to behave according to their perspective or have the same understanding and opinion of things as them, it can lead to misunderstandings and a lack of empathy from both ends, which can cause conflicts. The child may not act in the same way that their parents did in the same or different situations.
How choice-making by children can lead to gaps in understanding by adults
The self-determination theory becomes an important factor here. It is where an individual makes their own choices and they feel more in control of themselves (Kendra Cherry, MSEd 2023a). How to dress, how to speak, own sense of fashion, holding different morals than those of the parents and more come in. The same is seen in the context of autonomy in children.
Take the example of parents and the extra-curricular activities of children. Enrolling them on sports, arts, music, and dance can be a fun way to engage your child in activities, especially if it is their choice to learn them. If not, it can lead to feeling like a chore or a burden and lead to gaps in empathy. If a child isn’t exactly allowed or feels safe to make his or her own choices according to his or her needs and liking, it can lead to friction and ultimately empathy gaps in how adults view this choice-making autonomy.
Development And Egocentrism
One of the simple yet direct explanations of such gaps is that egocentrism quite literally means the child’s inability to see things from another person’s perspective and viewpoint. A major reason for empathy clashes. Although observed more in children on the spectrum, like Autism Spectrum Disorder and other related conditions(“Children and Egocentrism,” n.d.). It is common to also see it in all children at large, especially during puberty as well. This can lead to adults thinking the child is arrogant, doesn’t want to listen or just has a different approach to things that the parent may not always understand, thereby finding it hard to empathise with.
Read More: How Early Puberty Impacts the Mental Health of the Child
Where Guidance Becomes Control
Scaffolding is an important psychological term that one can use to understand how adult guidance can feel like control for children at times. The zone of proximal development ZPD explains the external support needed by a child to perform better at any task (Saul McLeod, PhD, 2025a). For example, it can be an adult helping a child with a math problem, or even a painting. If at some point the child feels like they have more control than help, it can lead to not feeling understood.
Attachment Styles And Empathy
Parental paternalism and empathy are interlinked. It basically means how the thoughts, actions and environment also play a role in a child’s development, as well as the understanding an adult has of it. The different kinds of attachment styles also come into play, where a secure attachment style means both the parent or adult and child have mutual trust and understanding(MSEd, 2023g). This means less anxiety, less avoidance of tough conversations and more openness, which means fewer gaps in empathy.
Read More: How Does a Child Develop Attachment Style?
Conclusion
To conclude, one can say that the attachment style between the child and adult, along with the level of autonomy the adult provides the child with respect to offering help or guidance and letting children make their own choices, is key. Understanding that generational differences can lead to these empathy gaps and different opinions, and being patient and curious rather than judgmental can help reduce these gaps from both ends.
FAQs
1. Can secure attachment reduce empathy gaps?
The different kinds of attachment styles also come into play, where a secure attachment style means both the parent or adult and child have mutual trust and understanding(MSEd, 2023g). This means less anxiety, less avoidance of tough conversations and more openness, which means fewer gaps in empathy.
2. How can guidance for children result in misunderstandings?
The zone of proximal development ZPD explains the external support needed by a child to perform better at any task (Saul McLeod, PhD, 2025a). For example, it can be an adult helping a child with a math problem, for example or even a painting. If at some point the child feels like they have more control than help, it can lead to not feeling understood.
3. How does autonomy help build adult-child bonds better?
Take the example of parents and the extra-curricular activities of children. Enrolling them in sports, arts, music, and dance can be a fun way to engage your children in activities, especially if it is their choice to learn them. If not, it can lead to feeling like a chore or a burden and lead to gaps in empathy. If a child isn’t exactly allowed or feels safe to make his or her own choices according to his or her needs and liking, it can lead to friction and ultimately empathy gaps in how adults view this choice-making autonomy.
References +
Wagers KB, Kiel EJ. The influence of parenting and temperament on empathy development in toddlers. J Fam Psychol. 2019 Jun;33(4):391-400. doi: 10.1037/fam0000505. Epub 2019 Feb 7. PMID: 30730181; PMCID: PMC6533135.
Simply Psychology. (2023, August 28). Theory of Mind Psychology: People thinking. https://www.simplypsychology.org/theory-of-mind.html
Simply Psychology. (2023a, August 28). Theory of Mind in Psychology: People thinking. https://www.simplypsychology.org/theory-of-mind.html
Children and egocentrism. (n.d.). Advice From the Primary Behaviour Support Service, 2. https://educationgateshead.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/3535b-JH-Children-And-Egocentris m.pdf
Simply Psychology. (2025a, March 26). Zone of proximal development. https://www.simplypsychology.org/zone-of-proximal-development.html
Pereira LB, Oliva AD. How empathy, perceived parental care, and overprotection indices are affected by participants’ sex: investigating cultural differences. Curr Psychol. 2023 Jan 13:1-12. doi: 10.1007/s12144-022-04141-4. Epub ahead of print. PMID: 36684456; PMCID: PMC9838331. MSEd, K. C. (2023g, December 14). 4 types of attachment styles. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/attachment-styles-2795344
