We often tend to seek the known, to attract the familiar, to reach for those who make us feel the same. Sometimes we unconsciously draw towards people or dynamics that feel like “home”, even if the “home” is shaped by old wounds and unmet needs. We become so comfortable with the same emotions, the similar people, and the predictable relationships, that we rarely want to step out of our comfort zone to see what else is out there – even if the comfort zone isn’t helping us grow or move forward.
In the most basic sense, emotional substitution is the unconscious process of needing to fulfil unresolved emotional needs, patterns, or even traumas from significant past relationships with new interpersonal connections. These significant past relationships include those with parents, siblings, or former romantic partners. Individuals tend to project expectations, desires, and even dysfunctions of these past relationships onto current individuals. They may even seek out new and similar people (in terms of traits and behaviours) to their significant past relationships, in the hopes of seamlessly stepping into these predefined emotional roles.
Read More: Over-generalization of past events in Relationships
The Root of Old Emotional Roles
So, why do we recast?
An inclination towards emotional substitutions isn’t something negative; rather, it is a deeply human but counterproductive coping mechanism. Many different theories in psychology explain how this forms.
1. Attachment Theory: The Blueprint of Emotional Patterns
One of the most significant explanations for emotional substitution is the attachment theory. Developed by John Bowlby and further elaborated by Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory suggests that our early experiences with our primary caregivers shape our internal working models, i.e., they act as “blueprints” for how we believe relationships should function or how we think that our emotional needs will be met.
These internal frameworks thus influence how we view ourselves and others; they also shape our expectations of others and ourselves in any relationship (Bowlby, 1979; Ainsworth et al., 2015). This also suggests that even if the past emotional roles were painful, a person might still unconsciously gravitate towards patterns they know. Since the territory is known, it is comfortable. And if there are certain unmet emotional needs, a person might unconsciously seek out new relationships to satisfy those needs (Bowlby, 1982).
Read More: The Internal Working Model of Relationships: How We Subconsciously Predict Love?
2. Schema Theory: Seeking Comfort in the Familiar
Another theory that explains emotional substitution is the schema theory. It states how we as humans wish to find familiarity and comfort in the known – even if the known is unhealthy and not beneficial. Schema theory suggests that we develop cognitive frameworks (schemas) based on our experiences. And then we use these schemas to make sense of the world. Thus, explaining why we may seek comfort in the things or relationships that harm us (Merriam et al., 2006). We tend to interpret and react to new relational scenarios through existing schemas, often leading us to recreate familiar but problematic relational dynamics (Young et al., 2003).
Read More: What is Schema Therapy?
3. Common Old Emotional Roles and Their Recast Forms
There are some common old emotional roles, Such as that of an ‘absent parent’, the new incarnation of which is in the form of individuals seeking a partner who is constantly unavailable, emotionally distant, or has to be chased. Another example is that of a ‘critical authority figure’; so if an individual had such a person in their life, they attract partners who are judgmental, demanding, or undermine self-worth. And if an individual themselves was a ‘neglected child’, they tend to gravitate towards partners who require constant caretaking, thereby fulfilling their previously unmet needs by caring for someone as they wished to be cared for. These are only some of the common examples that may be out there, but there are many other such roles.
Read More: The Psychological Impact of Being a ‘Wanted’ or ‘Unwanted’ Child
Impact of Emotional Substitution
When people unconsciously recast new relationships to fill old emotional roles, many negative consequences can arise, such as:
1. Unrealistic Expectations and Disappointment
New partners end up being burdened with fulfilling roles from the past, requiring them to do things they didn’t sign up for. This often leads to disappointment and resentment, because reality doesn’t meet expectations. The partner isn’t to blame, because no new partner can rectify the past or fit into a previously set mould (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2008).
Read More: Between Love and Resentment: The Emotional Journey of Siblings of Children with Special Needs
2. Repetitive Dysfunctional Patterns
Individuals who emotionally substitute and recast new relationships to fill past emotional roles repeatedly find themselves in similar unhealthy relationship dynamics, even with different people. This can include patterns of conflict, power struggles, emotional distance, or codependency. This repetitive pattern could be explained by repetition compulsion, where people recreate past painful relationships or scenarios in an attempt to master them, but often end up simply reliving the pain (Cherry, 2023; Guy-Evans, 2023).
Read More: Why Some People Struggle More in Relationships
3. Lack of Authentic Connection
The relationship isn’t based on who the new person is, but rather on the past emotional role they are expected to fill. Because of these expectations, the new partner is seen more as a placeholder rather than their unique self, which results in a lack of authentic connection. They often cause reactions based on what happened in the past rather than what is happening in the present (Brumbaugh & Fraley, 2007). This prevents the development of a genuine, present-focused, and healthy bond. There are many other negative consequences of emotional substitution on both the individual and their new partner. For example ,emotional distress, exhaustion, a feeling of unfulfillment, resentment, relationship failure, etc.
Read More: What Makes Love Last? The Science Behind Relationships That Work
Breaking the Cycle
Moving beyond emotional substitution requires constant effort, self-awareness, and often even professional support. The first step to breaking the cycle of emotional substitution is recognising the pattern. This involves introspection; acknowledging and understanding that one may be bringing past relationships into their new ones. This can be achieved by working through the unresolved trauma and unmet needs from past relationships – taking it upon yourself to do the needful, rather than putting it on someone else again.
Here, therapy could be crucial. By seeking professional help, individuals can understand and heal themselves before moving forward. Therapy can also help them find constructive ways to deal with their emotional pain instead of seeking external solutions by developing healthy coping mechanisms. It also becomes important to focus on the present relationship without any influence from the past. And establishing clear boundaries can protect oneself from falling back into old patterns.
Read More: Importance of Boundaries in Relationship
Conclusion
Emotional substitution highlights how our past relationships may influence our current relationships. It refers to the unconscious process by which people project expectations, insecurities, and desires of past relationships onto new ones. Even though our lives are interconnected, we need to make sure that we aren’t stuck in the past. Being present in the now is very important, but it does become confusing and difficult more often than not. To truly grow, we must choose authenticity over reenactment and be aware of the hidden dynamics of emotional substitution.
References +
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. N. (2015). Patterns of attachment. In Psychology Press eBooks. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203758045
Becker-Phelps, L., PhD. (2025, March 21). Breaking Free from Negative Cycles: How to Stop Repeating the Same Painful Patterns — Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps. Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps. https://www.drbecker-phelps.com/blog/trapped-in-the-same-painful-patterns
Bowlby, J. (1979). The Bowlby-Ainsworth attachment theory. Behavioural and Brain Sciences, 2(4), 637–638. https://doi.org/10.1017/s0140525x00064955
Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and loss: Retrospect and prospect. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 52(4), 664–678. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1939-0025.1982.tb01456.x
Brumbaugh, C. C., & Fraley, R. C. (2007). Transference of attachment patterns: How important relationships influence feelings toward novel people. Personal Relationships, 14(4), 513–530. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2007.00169.x
Cherry, K. (2023, May 19). What is repetition compulsion? Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-repetition-compulsion-7253403
Guy-Evans, O. (2023, September 19). Repetition compulsion: Why do we repeat the past? Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/repetition-compulsion.html#Examples
Merriam, S. B., Caffarella, R. S., & Baumgartner, L. M. (2006). Learning in Adulthood: A Comprehensive Guide, 3rd Edition. San Francisco, CA. Jossey-Bass.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2008). Attachment in adulthood: structure, dynamics, and change. Choice Reviews Online, 45(05), 45–2903. https://doi.org/10.5860/choice.45-2903
Schloss, K. (2024, November 15). Nurturing Connection and Healing: Exploring Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) in therapy — LifePath Therapy. LifePath Therapy. https://www.lifepaththerapy.org/blog/nurturing-connection-and-healing-exploring-emotionally-focused-therapy-eft-in-therapy
Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide.
