“Am I Helping or Just Listening?” When Peer Support Starts to Drain You

There have been a number of times when individuals find themselves becoming damsels in distress. And during those moments, they have leaned on a “therapist friend“, their knight in shining armour. The one who always picks up their calls, offers a shoulder to cry on, and helps untangle the most complicated, webbed emotions. And just as often, we become that person for someone else.

The “saviour” nature of humans drives them to rescue their loved ones whenever they are in need. And that is something that most of us share in common. We are wired to support, to listen, to love. However, it can occasionally become unhealthy when it manifests as an excessive fantasy or a tendency to save everyone at the expense of one’s capacity. Without healthy boundaries, it can blur into something unsustainable, emotionally taxing, and even harmful to both parties involved.

The Importance of Peer Support

In various contexts, especially mental health, peer support has established itself as a crucial element, including breaking down the stigmas, reducing social isolation, and also addressing challenges in accepting and treating various mental illnesses. Particularly in India, where mental healthcare resources are limited. Peer support contributes to numerous benefits, including but not limited to shared identity, an increase in confidence and skill development, also improvements observed in mental health. Challenges, however, exist when peer support is professionalised. It necessitates careful consideration of role conflicts and boundaries, along with adequate training for the peer support population.

What Is Meant by Peer Support?

It refers to mutual assistance provided by people who share common problems through their own shared experiences. This mutual aid offers practical and emotional support for both formal and casual settings amongst friends and family, and other loved ones. It is believed that people feel more understood, and there is a lack of unconventional judgment by people who ‘get it.’ Peer support can serve without the requirements of a license or any formal duties or prewritten scripts. However, this informal nature enables dispersion of boundaries, leading to undercompensated emotional labour and fatigue, referred to as emotional burnout.

What Is Emotional Burnout and What Causes It?

It is a state of physical, emotional and mental fatigue, resulting from prolonged exposure to stressful and emotionally demanding situations. It is characterised by a gradual loss of emotional, cognitive and physical energy leading to withdrawal, aggression and other signs like disorganisation. Maslach proposed a multidimensional model of emotional burnout that includes Emotional Exhaustion, Depersonalisation, and reduced Personal Accomplishment. This widely used framework understands and assesses burnout using these key dimensions. Emotional burnout is not limited to mental health professionals, but also family, friends and informal caregivers who take on emotional workloads for their loved ones.

Emotional Burnout Among Peer Supporters

It can feel like a well that echoes with rope, but isn’t able to draw any water. Burnout can occur when you are not able to receive or even ask for help while devoting all your time and energy to providing extensive support to other individuals in times of need. Peer support can be very effective in reducing stress and other mentally distressing symptoms. However, such individuals can themselves experience emotional exhaustion while they are trying to be present more than they can. It’s crucial to remember that your health and well-being are just as important as the person you’re looking after.

Signs of Emotional Burnout in Peer Supporters

Emotional burnout in peer support can show up in various ways, such as feeling completely drained, developing a cynical outlook, and becoming detached from both work and the people around you. Recognising the signs and symptoms of caregiver burnout is crucial so that you can seek the support you need at the times when it matters most.

Feelings of emotional numbness during and after conversations.
Sometimes, you might just hum, without even listening to them.
You might find yourself withdrawing from your loved ones.
Hearing from them might get exhausting, yet you still struggle to say no.
Sleeping patterns, appetite, and weight might experience changes.
You find yourself getting frustrated with them relying only on you but not showing any heed to what you say.
Feelings of dread appear whenever their name appears on your phone, does too.

Why Do We Keep Giving Even When We’re Exhausted?

In most cultures, there’s a strong emphasis placed on societal expectations for being available almost all the time. Individuals are expected to perform all the time. This thinking is mostly adopted and pressured by families and workplaces. Hence, the intense care for each other makes people perform their responsibilities beyond their calibre. To the point there’s no longer room for themselves, let alone anyone else. Individuals tend to forget that rest, whether it’s from work that’s physically or emotionally taxing, isn’t a luxury. It’s a necessity. There’s only a finite amount of energy an individual can offer, until they replenish and consider their well-being for the time being, or even simultaneously.

Does Listening Always Help?

It’s always helpful when offering a listening ear to people who are struggling, but it’s not always enough. Without realising that they must consider professional help, they keep pouring their troubles on their listeners’ shoulders. While the weight on them, as a result, gets heavier and exhausting. Informal support is sometimes not adequate or helpful enough. And in any case, it’s not supposed to substitute for the work of a counsellor. Or else the unintentional cycle of emotional dependency will build a bridge of distress.

What Does Healthy Peer Support Look Like?

Now, this doesn’t mean one must abandon the support. It should be sustainable and thought through. Emotional burnout can take a toll on the listener’s mental health, impacting overall relationships. Therefore, it is important for the listener to follow strategies towards self-awareness and self-compassion. This will shield them from stressful situations such as emotional burnout and compassion fatigue.

Setting healthy boundaries: This would mean establishing rules and considering some time for oneself to recharge. Assuring your presence but also asking for some time for yourself isn’t selfish.
Indulging in self-care: Do things that help you relax and recover. Listening to situations at times makes you second-handly deal with them. Ensure that it’s not leading to deconstructed thoughts.
Spend time with nature: Taking a walk will help you clear your head. Do not think about anything related to the conversations, but yourself.
Respectful confrontation: If they seem to repetitively come to you with the same issue, with the same urgency and intensity, it is important to address it. Gently inform them and recommend counselling with potential benefits.
Avoid prolonged inspections: Resist the urge to constantly monitor their moods. Occasional Check-Ins are as beneficial and assuring.
Have your priorities intact: Qualities like compassion, patience, and emotional presence come from balance, from within you. If you aren’t able to prioritise yourself, it will be hard for you to show up for others. Failing to accomplish your tasks will build frustration while trying to comfort others.
Seeking help as a listener: Even a listener needs a listening ear. Seek help and assistance from a professional if things are starting to overwhelm you. Support and tools from them will help you in gaining insights and managing burnout.

It is not possible to pour from an empty or cracked cup. Taking care of others mustn’t take a toll on your peace. And it’s alright if at times, you want to be on the receiving end.

FAQs

1. What is peer support, and how is it different from professional help?

Peer support is emotional and practical assistance provided by someone with lived experience of the same challenge. It differs from therapy in that it doesn’t require a license or clinical training. It’s based on empathy and shared understanding, not diagnosis or treatment.

2. Can peer support lead to emotional burnout?

Yes. Constantly supporting others without setting boundaries can cause emotional burnout, a state of exhaustion marked by numbness, frustration, withdrawal, and a sense of being overwhelmed or used.

3. What are some signs I might be burning out as a peer supporter?

Emotional numbness or zoning out during conversations
Dread when someone messages or calls
Changes in sleep, appetite, or mood
Feeling resentful, drained, or unappreciated
Trouble saying “no” even when overwhelmed

4. Is it selfish to set boundaries when someone needs support?

Not at all. Boundaries are a form of care for both you and the person you’re helping. Without them, support becomes unsustainable, and you risk harming your own mental health.

5. How can I recharge after offering emotional support?

Practice self-care regularly (even simple joys like music, journaling, or walking)
Set aside quiet time to rest your mind
Spend time in nature or with non-stimulating activities
Seek support for yourself if needed

References +

Boothroyd, R. I., & Fisher, E. B. (2010). Peers for Progress: promoting peer support for health around the world. Family Practice, 27(suppl 1), i62–i68. https://doi.org/10.1093/fampra/cmq017

Burke, E., Pyle, M., Machin, K., Varese, F., & Morrison, A. P. (2018). The effects of peer support on empowerment, self-efficacy, and internalised stigma: A narrative synthesis and meta-analysis. Stigma and Health, 4(3), 337–356. https://doi.org/10.1037/sah0000148 Caregiver burnout. (2025, July 14).

Cleveland Clinic.https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9225-caregiver-burnout

Güzelant, M. (2024, February 20). Are You Exhausted from Giving and Giving? – An HSP Issue — Inclusive Psychology. Inclusive Psychology. https://www.inclusive-psychology.com/blog/people-pleasing-hsp

Markusova, T., Stakhanska, O., & Boitsaniuk, S. (2023). EMOTIONAL BURNOUT DURING THE WAR. Sworld-Us Conference Proceedings, usc21-01, 61–64. https://doi.org/10.30888/2709-2267.2023-21-01-025

TalktoAngel – Best Online Counselling & therapy | Best Online Psychologist Consultation India. (2024, December 17). TalktoAngel. https://www.talktoangel.com/blog/10-essential-strategies-for-preventing-emotional-burnout