Movies like Raanjhana or Rahna Hai Tere Dil Mein have romanticised stalking. In both movies, we see scenes where the male lead is following the female lead, clicking her pictures or persistently asking them to reciprocate their feelings. Audiences seem to enjoy scenes like these and sigh in relief when the couple ends up together; but imagining this in real time presents quite a scary picture. We enjoy such scenes in the rom-coms because we are 99% sure that those two people are obviously going to end up together. In real-life, we don’t have that surety; we never know who is trustworthy, who is safe, who is right, who is the one.
Portrayals by mainstream media of these behaviours create a confusing narrative for viewers: is that true love or just pure obsession? Separating healthy relationships from those borne and maintained by these dangerous behaviours is important so that people can better spot toxicity around.
Read More: When Desire Becomes Destructive: A Psychological Analysis of Obsession
The Pop Culture Portrayal of the “Romantic Chase”
For decades, the media has taught us that when someone rejects us, we should try harder and keep pursuing them. Movies often show characters who ignore “no” and pursue someone by showing up unannounced. In films, this persistence is rewarded with a happy ending, which sends a dangerous message to the public. It teaches the viewers that boundaries are just temporary obstacles rather than firm limits (Lippman, 2018). This media representation creates a phenomenon called stalking myths. Here, the severity of unwanted and consistent pursuit is undermined by the general public, creating false beliefs and often framing the act as harmless romance or a misunderstanding.
The constant portrayal has desensitised the audience to the real-life red flags. If a partner shows up unexpectedly or constantly calls to “check up on them”, friends call it romantic instead of recognising it as monitoring behaviour (Lippman, 2018). These false beliefs glaze over the real experiences of people. In reality, being followed or watched causes severe distress, anxiety, fear and depression. Due to this, people often find it difficult to trust their instincts and gut feelings when someone invades their privacy.
The Thin Line Between Affection and Boundary Violation
With the heightened desensitisation to stalking behaviours, it becomes important to examine the thin line between privacy and boundary violation. Boundary violations occur when one person repeatedly ignores the limits set by another. A simple example would be when someone continues sending messages, using different phones or social media accounts to contact them when their ex-partner has explicitly asked them not to. This is an obvious violation of a boundary created by the person and sheer ignorance towards the person’s right to be left alone. Cupach and Spitzberg (2000) explained boundary violation as a manifestation of obsessive relational intrusion, the repeated and unwanted pursuit and invasion of one’s sense of privacy by another person, either a stranger or an acquaintance, who desires and/or presumes an intimate relationship.
Persistent pursuit becomes obsession when it turns one-sided and, somewhere along the way, the person develops a sense of entitlement to be privy to any and every piece of information about the “victim”. There is a certain fixation towards the person being pursued, and oftentimes they no longer see the victim as a real person. They start seeing the person as a prize to win or an object to control (Flowers et.al. 2020).
What Backs This Obsession?
Psychologists study specific traits to understand why obsession develops in individuals. Stalking is hardly and rarely about love; it is particularly driven by power, control and the inability to handle rejection. Downey and Feldman (1996) found that individuals who stalk suffer from severe rejection sensitivity and intense anxiety at the slightest hint of being pushed away. Instead of coping with rejection, they distort reality to protect their ego from the pain of being rejected.
Attachment styles also play a big role in driving these behaviours. These are the patterns that dictate how we relate and interact with others in close relationships. People with anxious attachment often feel insecure and fear their partner may leave them. When a relationship ends, this fear can intensify. The individual is left to make frantic attempts to maintain contact, which can quickly spiral into stalking (Bélanger et.al., 2021; Bowlby, 1982; Patton et.al., 2010).
In severe clinical cases, individuals may experience erotomania, a delusion where a person falsely believes that another individual (usually someone of higher status or a celebrity) is deeply in love with them. An erotomanic individual will interpret ordinary actions as a secret message meant only for them, all the while ignoring direct rejections because they believe the victim is just hiding their feelings due to outside pressure. This distortion shows how distant and removed obsession is from actual, healthy human connection and relationships (Kennedy et al., 2002; Mullen & Pathé, 1994).
Conclusion
Humans constantly search for connections- those that are stable, safe, honest and trustworthy. In this pursuit of connection, we often forget basic morals and rights that are true for everyone; of course, there is some subjectivity at play in all this. But what firmly stands is that when privacy and space are requested, it should not be further questioned. Because as we pursue different things in life, we also seek the freedom to feel, act, live, and simply be. Again, people interpret this freedom wrongly sometimes, making them feel entitled to certain things; naturally, we must create a balance here.
We are always walking on a tightrope, balancing these contradictions. Step too far, a step too heavy, can make us fall to one side. We must navigate the thin lines between affection and violation, romance and obsession with caution. Sometimes a persistent, unwanted presence can give a person persistent, unwanted emotional baggage.
References +
- Bélanger, J. J., Collier, K. E., Nisa, C. F., & Schumpe, B. M. (2021). Crimes of passion: When romantic obsession leads to abusive relationships. Journal of Personality, 89(6), 1159–1175. https://doi.org/10.1111/jopy.12642
- Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and loss: Retrospect and prospect. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 52(4), 664–678. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1939-0025.1982.tb01456.x
- Cupach, W. R., & Spitzberg, B. H. (2000). Obsessive Relational Intrusion: Incidence, Perceived Severity, and Coping. Violence and Victims, 15(4), 357–372. https://doi.org/10.1891/0886-6708.15.4.357
- Downey, G., & Feldman, S. I. (1996). Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(6), 1327– 1343. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.70.6.1327
- Flowers, C., Winder, B., & Slade, K. (2020). “You want to catch the biggest thing going in the ocean”: A qualitative analysis of intimate partner stalking. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 37(7–8), 088626052095863. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260520958632
- Kennedy, N., McDonough, M., Kelly, B., & Berrios, G. E. (2002). Erotomania revisited: clinical course and treatment. Comprehensive Psychiatry, 43(1), 1–6. https://doi.org/10.1053/comp.2002.29856
- Lippman, J. R. (2015). I Did It Because I Never Stopped Loving You: The Effects of Media Portrayals of Persistent Pursuit on Beliefs About Stalking. Communication Research, 45(3), 394–421. https://doi.org/10.1177/0093650215570653
- Mullen, P. E., & Pathé, M. (1994). Stalking and the pathologies of love. The Australian and New Zealand journal of psychiatry, 28(3), 469–477. https://doi.org/10.3109/00048679409075876
- Patton, C. L., Nobles, M. R., & Fox, K. A. (2010). Look who’s stalking: Obsessive pursuit and attachment theory. Journal of Criminal Justice, 38(3), 282–290. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcrimjus.2010.02.013
