It’s been about a year since Sakshi lost her grandmother. At first, she seemed fine, seeming to get over it quickly. If anything, she started getting more engaged in her classes, actively doing her homework, and continuously performing better than others. However, her eating and sleeping have become irregular. She gets frustrated over small issues and often doesn’t want to be in social situations, avoiding her friends. She looks exhausted but doesn’t talk to others about it. Why is this happening? Is this really just unrelated symptoms, or is there an underlying issue? What if the “moving on” that everyone assumed she did early actually never properly happened? What if she still hasn’t entirely come to terms with it all?
Understanding Grief
“The anguish experienced after a significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person. Grief may also take the form of regret for something lost, remorse for something done, or sorrow for a mishap to oneself.” -(APA, 2018)
Grief is the pain of loss. This can be the loss of a dear one, a significant object, or anything having a personalised meaning. It is a natural process, and everyone goes through it. “However, an important minority, currently estimated at 7% of bereaved people, does not cope effectively with bereavement.” (Kersting et al., 2011). These people get entangled in it, unable to process their grief, such that healing and moving on are hindered, causing immense pain to the individual. This is called Complicated Grief.
Read More: How to handle Grief?
Why Does this Happen?
1. Shock and Struggle for Survival
Sometimes, due to traumatic deaths where the loss was unexpected (e.g, suicide or accidents) (Kristensen, Weisæth, & Heir, 2012), the mourner becomes so shocked that they aren’t able to comprehend it. Even if they do, acceptance does not come easily, and grieving is impacted negatively.
Read More: The Acceptance Stage of Grief
2. Complicated Emotions
The death of an individual whose relationship with the mourner involved abuse and neglect complicates grieving emotions, especially when there is a lack of closure or explanation. Although each grieving experience is unique (Schuurman & Lindholm, 2002), Factors that predict complicated mourning (Rando, 1993):
“1. An existing relationship with the deceased that was marked by (A) anger or ambivalence or (B) dependence.
2. Prior or recurring mourner liabilities, including (a) unaccommodated losses and/or stresses and (b) mental health problems.
3. The mourner’s perceived lack of social support.”
3. Responsibilities
Research also shows how many times individuals actively overindulge themselves in work and take up too many responsibilities just so they don’t have to sit down with their thoughts and process their emotions.
4. Ambiguous Loss
The term ambiguous loss was coined by Boss (1999). It denotes the kind of loss that isn’t definitive. It can include a person’s physical absence but psychological presence (when it isn’t sure whether the person is really dead) or physical presence but psychological absence (coma patients, Alzheimer’s, etc.) (Boss, 1999, 2006, 2011). In such cases, grieving becomes difficult because the individual is unsure.
5. Disenfranchised Grief
“Grief that results when a person experiences a significant loss and the resultant grief is not openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly mourned. In short, although the individual is experiencing a grief reaction, there is no social recognition that the person has a right to grieve or a claim for social sympathy or support.” (Doka, 2008).
Read More: What happens when grief is not accepted: Disfranchised grief
Signs to Look Out For
- Sleep issues involving a lack of proper sleep or too many breaks in sleeping.
- Social isolation and increased reclusive behaviour.
- Increase in compulsive behaviours involving addiction, such as substance abuse, excessive social media use, issues related to eating and other distractors.
- Excessive irritation or frustration, sometimes even about minor issues.
- Development of mental health issues such as anxiety, depression or worse disorders.
- Physical symptoms such as unexplained aches in body parts, digestive and gastrointestinal issues, muscle tension and more. (Shear, 2012)
How to Mourn Freely
- Acknowledgement: Acknowledgement of one’s grief involves the recognition and acceptance of one’s feelings. This is what ensures one’s step towards the healing process (NIH, 2017).
- Self-care: Grieving is undeniably a very difficult process, which affects a person’s mental, physical and emotional health. It is important to indulge in self-care, including taking a proper diet, sleep, and exercise, while avoiding alcohol or substance intake that may hinder good health and well-being.
- Scheduling time: While figuring out one’s tasks and fulfilling responsibilities one has committed to, actively making time for mourning is important as it helps one understand and process their emotions, practice self-reflection, as well as future direction.
- Healthy distractions: Using healthy distraction techniques, such as engaging in recreational activities, provides temporary relief from the sadness and pain of grieving. Balancing between using healthy distractions and dealing with grief is an effective way of coping. This is also emphasised in the dual process model (Stroebe & Schut, 1999, 2010).
- Seeking support: If it becomes difficult to cope with the loss individually, one shouldn’t shy away from actively seeking support from one’s dear ones. And in case it seems not to be enough, actively seeking professional help, guidance, and counselling can be beneficial to overcome problems and ensure healthy grieving.
Read More: Eco-Anxiety: Effective Ways to Cope with Environmental Grief
Conclusion
However, in some cases, due to a variety of reasons, this grieving is hindered, and the mourner is not able to properly process their emotions and move on with their lives. This can occur in numerous cases, such as shock, responsibilities, complicated emotions about the dead person, and disenfranchised grief. It shows up in the form of various signs such as an increase in mental health issues, irregularity in eating and sleeping patterns, social withdrawal, irritation and even physical problems such as muscle tension, digestive problems, and unexplained aches.
However, these problems can be solved with acknowledgement of grief, active engagement in grieving through scheduling, engaging in self-care, and using healthy distractions to cope. Grief is not a “one size fits all”. Different people grieve differently. But at the same time, being mindful that the process is not hindered is important to make sure that it doesn’t hinder the individual’s daily functioning.
FAQs
1. What hinders grieving?
Factors such as shock of loss, complicated emotions about the dead person, disenfranchised grief, and responsibilities hinder grieving.
2. What are some signs that show grieving is hindered?
Increase in mental health issues, irregularity in eating and sleeping patterns, social withdrawal, irritation and even physical problems such as muscle tension, digestive problems, and unexplained aches are some signs that show hindrance in grieving.
3. What promotes healthy mourning?
Healthy mourning can be done through acknowledgement of grief, active engagement in grieving through scheduling, engaging in self-care, and using healthy distractions to cope.
References +
BetterHelp. (n.d.). What does inhibited grief look like? BetterHelp. https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/grief/what-does-inhibited-grief-look-like/
Healthline. (n.d.). Disenfranchised grief: What it is and how to cope. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/disenfranchised-grief#:~:text =No%20matter%20what%20type%20of,for%20processing%20a%20difficult%20lo ss
Boss, P. (n.d.). Ambiguous loss: A complicated type of grief when loved ones disappear. ResearchGate. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/271943194_Ambiguous_loss_A_com plicated_type_of_grief_when_loved_ones_disappear#:~:text=Living%20with%2 0someone%20who%20is,symptoms%20that%20may%20be%20construed
EBSCO. (n.d.). Disenfranchised grief. EBSCO Research Starters. https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/psychology/disenfranchised-grief#:~:text=Disenfranchised%20grief%20is%20grief%20that,Hidden%20Sorrow%2C%20 published%20in%201989
Cleveland Clinic. (n.d.). Grief. Cleveland Clinic. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24787-grief#:~:text=Absent%20gr ief.,emotions%20others%20can’t%20see
Goop. (n.d.). What avoiding grief looks like. Goop. https://goop.com/wellness/mindfulness/what-avoiding-grief-looks-like/#:~:text =Taking%20breaks.,to%20fall%20apart%20is%20normal
National Institute on Ageing. (n.d.). Coping with grief and loss. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/grief-and-mourning/coping-grief-and-loss
Doka, K. J. (2008). Disenfranchised grief in a historical and cultural perspective. In M. S. Stroebe, R. O. Hansson, H. Schut, & W. Stroebe (Eds.), Handbook of bereavement research and practice: Advances in theory and intervention (pp. 223–240). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/14498-011
Shear, M. K. (2012). Grief and mourning gone awry: Pathway and course of complicated grief. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 14(2), 119–128. https://doi.org/10.31887/DCNS.2012.14.2/mshear
Harris, D. L. (2003). Death of an abuser: Does the memory linger on? ResearchGate. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/10577641_Death_of_an_abuser_doe s_the_memory_linger_on
