The relationship with in-laws is usually complex and is shaped by societal demands, hierarchies of the family, and emotional vulnerabilities. Although these links could provide support and belonging, they are equally susceptible to misunderstandings. In the dynamics of in-laws, one thing that occurs frequently is communication gaps where no direct communication, silence and making assumptions often replace open and value-based communication.
Studies show that nearly 60% of married couples report recurring tension with in-laws due to communication gaps (Strunk & Chang, 1999). Over time, these patterns generate long-term misunderstandings, damage trust, and heighten conflicts. The theories and psychological concepts of avoidance, cognitive dissonance, and conflict escalation help to understand why these communication gaps remain and are very difficult to resolve. For instance, in India, a newly married woman describes how her mother-in-law’s indirect remarks or comments about any household chores created years of silent resentment.
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Assumptions and Implied Communications
The communications that are indirect, like hinting, implying, or speaking through third parties, are very common in in-law relationships, specifically in diverse cultures in countries like India, where respect and politeness for hierarchy are highlighted (Gudykunst, 2001). For instance, an in-law might express dissatisfaction about any household-related chores indirectly to their daughter-in-law through their son.
When the communication is indirect, assumptions fill the gaps. Each side of the party interprets meaning based on personal biases, which are usually negative in nature. The attribution theory suggests that ambiguous behaviour is frequently explained as a flaw in the person rather than as situational (Heider, 1958). As time passes, these kinds of assumptions pile up, creating a narrative of doubts and displeasure.
Silence treated as Avoidance
The concept of silence is another common communication gap. When the topics that are sensitive to discuss, like child-rearing, financial outcomes, or roles in the household, the in-laws might avoid the discussion out of fear of having conflicts.
Avoidance is a strategy to decrease immediate anxiety according to stress and coping theory (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984). While opting to stay silent, individuals avoid conflict, but the issue that is underneath the surface remains unresolved. Staying silent also indicates the dissonance faced by an individual, usually the discomfort of holding conflicting values. For instance, a daughter-in-law might have honest thoughts. But chooses to remain silent to maintain harmony and create internal discomfort (Festinger, 1957).
Silence might restore or preserve short-term peace and harmony, but it usually results in long-term mistrust and discomfort in relationships. Clarification and confrontation in the relationship are needed, and the absence of them allows the rise of assumptions, and it hardens into perceived truths rather than the actual meaning behind them.
Escalation of conflicts
Indirect communication and silence dominate in the in-laws’ relationships. It results in small misunderstandings, and their accumulation of it can escalate into major conflicts.
- Cycle of escalation: The theory of conflict suggests that the unresolved tension continues to accumulate until any external triggers may cause a disproportionate reaction (Deutsch, 1973). For instance, a father-in-law’s silence about disagreements on financial topics might be viewed as disapproval. In the meantime, the daughter-in-law presumed hostility, resulting in defensive behaviour. Ultimately, a small, non-consensual and opinionated discussion would erupt into a larger confrontation.
- Emotional contagion: In family systems, negative emotions are more prone to spread rapidly. One conflict that was unresolved between any two members of the family can influence the entire dynamics of the household scenario (Hatfield, Cacioppo, & Rapson, 1994). For example, tension between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law may spill over into the marital relationship, which affects the children in future.
Avoidance: Psychological Reasons
Psychological mechanisms behind avoidance explain the reason for in-laws avoiding direct communication:
- Rejection fear: Individuals often fear that expressing their emotions or disagreements might damage family trust and bonds.
- Power dynamics: Hierarchy is often seen in family dynamics, and the in-laws usually occupy roles of elder vs. younger, making direct communication and disagreements portrayed as disrespectful.
- Cultural norms: In collectivist societies, to keep silent is often seen as respectful rather than speaking up about disagreements, adding to avoidance (Triandis, 1995).
- Anxiety conflict: A few individuals have very low tolerance for conflict and opt for avoidance, even when the avoidance might cost long-term clarity.
For instance, a newly married couple living with in-laws: the mother-in-law judges how her daughter-in-law’s cooking style is different, and her methods are not the usual way of preparing meals, but she chooses not to directly confront her and opts to stay silent, but often sighs while having food together and mentions to her son that the food nowadays feels and tastes different.
As the daughter-in-law hears the remark interprets it as criticism, and she feels that she was unappreciated and withdraws from the household chores. Eventually, silent gestures and indirect comments create resentment. A minor disagreement about any household chore, like grocery shopping, might lead both parties to explode, and it will cite the years of silence and avoidance that have been accumulated.
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Implications for long-term consequences
- Emotional distance: The family members might withdraw emotionally, decreasing warmth and trust in the relationships.
- Tension in generations: The conflicts between intergenerational members and misunderstandings spill over into the relationships of children, who might get caught between their parents and grandparents.
- Marital strain: The spouses often feel pressured to become a mediator between their partner and parents, which leads to stress in their marital life.
- Avoidance cycle: Avoidance can become a habit, and once it becomes habitual, it is very difficult to break free from and will add to long-term misunderstandings.
Bridging communication gaps strategies
The studies on psychological concepts indicate strategies to decrease misunderstandings:
- Assertive communication: To properly express needs and wants directly to the members and not behave rudely will reduce assumptions (Alberti & Emmons, 1976).
- Considering perspectives: Empathising with the silent gestures and indirect comments will help to reinterpret the meanings, and it will make it clearer in terms of communication.
- Mediator for family: The remarks which are planned and structured will lead to neutral facilitation by a member of the family, which might break the cycle of avoidance.
- Cultural sensitivity: Interpreting silence and recognising it might be viewed as respect and can decrease misinterpretation.
- Conflict resolution training: It can be understood and learnt within the family by managing different viewpoints and disagreements constructively rather than avoiding problems and communication.
Conclusion
Relationships with in-laws are uniquely prone to misunderstandings due to communication gaps, cultural scripts, external demands, roles within family hierarchies and emotionally sensitive topics. The pursuit of indirect communication and assumptions takes place, and silence might preserve short-lived harmony within the family but usually leads to long-term damage to the relationships and the rise of conflicts.
The psychological theories often serve as evidence for avoidance, cognitive dissonance and conflict dynamics, stating the reasons behind the persistence of patterns. By applying assertive communication, using structured sentences, and empathy, family members can bridge these communication gaps and transform the relationships with their in-laws from sources of tension to pillars of support.
References +
- Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. L. (1976). Assertion Training in Marital Counselling. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 2(1), 49–54. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.1976.tb00396.x
- Deutsch, M. (1973). The Resolution of Conflict. American Behavioural Scientist, 17(2), 248–248. https://doi.org/10.1177/000276427301700206
- Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. The American Journal of Psychology, 72(1).
- Gudykunst, W. B., & Lee, C. M. (2001). An Agenda for Studying Ethnicity and Family Communication. Journal of Family Communication, 1(1), 75–85. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327698jfc0101_09
- Heider, F. (1958). The Psychology of Interpersonal Relations. American Sociological Review, 23(6), 742. https://doi.org/10.2307/2089062
- Kavanagh, D. J. (1984). Stress, Appraisal and Coping. S. Lazarus and S. Folkman, New York: Springer, 1984, pp. 444. Behavioural Psychotherapy, 14(04), 345. https://doi.org/10.1017/s0141347300015019
- Strunk, D. R., & Chang, E. C. (1999). Distinguishing between fundamental dimensions of individualism–collectivism: Personality and Individual Differences, 27(4), 665–671. https://doi.org/10.1016/s0191-8869(98)00258-x
- Triandis, H. C. (1995). Individualism & collectivism. Psycnet.apa.org. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1995-97791-000
