Why Do I Always Attract the Same Kind of Partner?

“Wait a minute! Again, you’ve chosen that drama? How is it possible to end up in yet another toxic relationship?” 

Many of us have heard, or asked ourselves, such blunt questions, often without knowing the answer. People with intentions to “choose a better one” find themselves selecting the same type of partner again. The lessons were learned, yet somehow, the undesirable partner who manipulates, is emotionally unavailable, or apathetic, still appears. These repeated romantic cycles echo a common frustration.

With the help of psychological insights, we can make sense of this puzzle of attraction that hurts us. And this exploration might help us to begin a different story—the kind we want to live. Romantic relationships are complicated, and their dynamics are deeply rooted beneath the surface. Understanding the reasons is important for stepping toward healthy relationship choices. This write-up offers clarity on the way out of this persistent pattern for greater emotional fulfilment and an authentic bond.

Read More: Why You Keep Attracting Toxic Partners (and How To Stop the Cycle) 

Why am I attracting the same sort of Partner?

1. Attachment Styles 

John Bowlby’s theories on attachment styles are a potent explanation for these repetitive choices. In 1969, he proposed the attachment internal working model. Early attachment styles influence future relational dynamics. It means a relationship with our caregivers decides how we perceive and expect from later emotional connections.

Early interactions with caregivers build schemas of self and others. If throughout childhood, one never gets a chance to express sadness or frustration and feels invalidated, they may become anxious about being alone out there. Their self-worth is also in question. As adults, they might be unconsciously attracted to partners who are like their emotionally distant caregivers. 

For instance, when in anxious attachment style, one always ends up with partners who are aloof, avoid closeness. While they are indulging in clingy behaviour, who is insecurely seeking intimacy. Because of their earlier attachment issues, they also experience constant fear of a breakup. On the other hand, those who adopt avoidant attachment styles suppress their feelings and always run away from emotional closeness. These patterns of behaviour are ingrained in them, so they cannot evolve (unless they try) to allow themselves to be loved, and this leads to the need for distancing (Fraley & Shaver, 2000). 

Read More: Exploring Human Connection: A Look at Attachment Theory

2. The Role of Self-Esteem in Partner Selection 

Aron Beck introduced the cognitive-behavioural therapy model based on the idea that our irrational thoughts provoke outward behavioural or emotional responses (Beck, A. T., 1976). According to this template, when one’s perception of their self-worth depends on how others see them, that can be a matter of concern while choosing a partner. It is known as contingent self-esteem (Jordan, C.H., et al, 2018). Their self-sabotaging belief, such as

“I am not good enough to be loved.” 

“I have to be the perfect partner to be loved.” 

“Love always ends in pain.” 

These thinking patterns make them choose the wrong person often. Past experiences embedded irrational core beliefs in them, but until and unless they take a step forward to change what they feel about themselves while choosing their companion, they may stick to that loop. When you are not appreciating who you are and trying to be perfect, you may choose that kind of partner whose thinking aligns with you; that person might also make you prove your worth. This can disturb your emotional well-being. The foundation of finding a partner can turn into chasing approval, validation, rather than finding a soul-mate. 

If you can love, love yourself first, but always be aware of the possibility of total defeat, whether the reason for that defeat seems right or wrong.” 

Charles Bukowski 

3. Repetition Compulsion: Change is Hard 

The father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, explained this phenomenon, repetition compulsion. In this state, people cannot discuss traumatic events, so they try to master over it by repeating the trauma (APA Dictionary of Psychology, n.d.). They put themselves in toxic situations, which are similar to earlier experiences, that are childhood attachment styles, or their first, more impactful, unsatisfying romantic relationship, in the hope of getting what they deserve. 

For example, someone with dominating parents, again, falls in love with another dominant personality. This might happen because of a habit of manipulative treatment or trying to resolve past issues through that person. They sometimes accept the chaos as it is, concluding that this is the way things are (Guy, 2023).  This familiarity gives them a sense of comfort and supports the cycle of selecting patterns. 

Read More: How Does a Child Develop Attachment Style?

4. Unconscious Schemas: Fault in the Organisation of Knowledge 

Have you heard the name Schema Therapy? It is developed by Jeffrey Young. They can make you recognise your negative patterns, and also be able to tell why you are opting for the same trauma. Schemas are like frames through which we perceive ourselves and others; they are core beliefs developed in childhood and influence our future relations (Schema Therapy, 2022).

For example, a person who infuses a coping style, i.e., surrender, and also develops a schema of accepting mistreatment as what they deserve, may silently put up with abuse or not complain against unfairness. Such misleading schemas are the reason for attraction from both sides. It is known as Schema chemistry—the term describes that you attract the person whose actions are also dysfunctional, schema-oriented.

These patterns seem right at the honeymoon phase of a relationship, but later on, they reroute to the recreation of past unresolved issues. Till the time you don’t get it, you will select to be in similar relationships. 

Read More: Are You Suffering from Roommate Phase in your Relationships?

5. Social and Cultural Reinforcement 

What we have absorbed from our surroundings can be the basis for these preferences. Most of the time, women in society have been raised seeing their mothers in toxic relationships. And this conditioning also drives them to be in the same romantic patterns. The society normalises this kind of preference. Gender roles, family expectations, and even media portrayals of romance can support the same mistakes.

We have been studying why one person gets caught up in this loop, but it is generational; it ends when societal norms evolve accordingly. For example, women are taught that love is selfless and sacrificial, so these lessons reinforce the same relationship dynamics.

Media portrayals play a big role in this; they romanticise abusive relationships, where one partner is always there to save or uplift the other, while the other has a weak personality. This can lead people to unconsciously find emotionally unavailable, aggressive partners in the name of true love. These narratives continued on the screens and even in our minds. 

Read More: Media Psychology: Influence of Media on Behavior and Perception

6. Other reasons 

Self-awareness is a major factor that contributes to the selection of a mate. If one is aware of what they want, then they are always clear about their preferences. However, if they instinctively choose a companion without knowing their own inner dynamics, then it might lead to disaster. 

We are like magnets- like attracts like. You become and attract what you think.

Similarity brings people together. Like-minded people are attracted to each other when they share food choices, music, culture, hobbies, languages, and academic preferences. The term coined for such people who live in social networks on a similarity basis is Homophily. They also cherish friendships, business relations, and marriage bonds among similar kinds of people (McPherson, M., Smith-Lovin, L., et al, 2001). 

Mere-Exposure Effect 

Dr. Robert Zajonc (1968) proposed the mere-exposure effect. Particularly, he explained that the more we are exposed to the stimulus, the more we see it positively. Likewise, when people have always encountered others who have similar traits, more chance to get familiar with that prototype, and next time they are only attracted to that category. This can also take place in proximity, such as schools, communities, caste specific matrimonial portals, so it limits a diverse number of options and increases the exposure within the circle (Brannan & Mohr, n.d.). 

Read More: 7 Subtle Signs your Relationship is stealing your Peace of Mind, According to Psychology

Final thought 

Attracting the same type of partner is not always the concern, but sometimes it causes emotional trauma, and it lowers our self-esteem. At this time, we forget that we are the only ones who are responsible for ourselves, so self-validation, the first thing, should pop up in our minds. This cycle is often a reflection of unresolved issues, core beliefs, attachment styles, conditional relationship dynamics, and our past. But there is an end to this cycle through your clarity, self-awareness, support, and strong willpower. You can choose something better. 

Not only will love be reciprocal, but also respect, safety, security, and trust.

FAQs 

1. Why are we attracted to the same kind of partner? 

There are many reasons, such as our ingrained attachment styles, past relationships, dependency, familiarity, the influence of unconscious schemas, societal norms, and conditioning, fixed preferences of physical appearance, etc. 

2. Can you change who you are attracted to? 

You can consciously make decisions about whom you are meeting or dating. You can make a list of desirable visible and invisible traits to make the process of selection easier. As we enter our adulting, we grow and evolve, and our choices also change, so a shift can happen. 

3. Why do people jump into rebound relationships? 

Fear of rejection, lack of a sense of self-identity, insecurities, dependency, low self-confidence, and emotional addiction are all possible reasons.