Friendships, as they say, are mirrors of our personality. As metaphoric as it is, this does not adequately describe human beings or the depths and complexities of intimacy. Our best friends don’t just mirror who we are; they define us and grow us. Friendships are an active process of evolution and exploration.
Philosophical, psychological and clinical perspectives all point to friendships as a core part of identity formation and emotional well-being in most people. They enable us to find our value and worth, develop into the best human beings possible, and push us to accomplish things in a way we cannot if we were to pass through life as lone individuals.
Read More: Friendships Across the Lifespan: What Keeps Relationships Strong Over Time
Aristotle’s Take: Friends are “Another Self”
Aristotle’s philosophy is at the root of the concept of friendship as a mirror for the self. His Nicomachean Ethics insists that virtue, not utility or pleasure, forms the basis of the best friendship. These good friendships are mutual, each friend helping the other to develop virtue, not simply to be liked.
For Mavis Biss, Aristotle’s point is that friends serve as “another self.” By offering perspectives we cannot generate for ourselves, they promote self-awareness. Thus, friendship is both hermeneutic and mirroring; our dearest friends allow us to transcend our present self-understanding and recognise our ethical possibility.
Thus, real friends are companions in moral vision. They challenge us to grow while also validating our strong points. Friendships offer an ever-adaptable identity scaffolding that extends well past mere mirroring by accentuating both who we currently are and who we could become (Biss, M., 2009).
Read More: Importance of Friendships and Their Impact on Mental Health
Beyond the mirror: the ‘drawing’ model of friendship
Despite its usefulness, some contend that the metaphor of a mirror oversimplifies the dynamic role of friends. Close friendships, for Dean Cocking and Jeanette Kennett, are more “drawing” than mirroring (Cocking, D.& Kennett, J., 1998).
Friends, in this model, not only reflect who we are but actively shape our interests, attitudes and behaviours. A good friend might inspire us to adopt new ideals, bring us new groups, or suck us into new habits. And by this, friends initiate a transformation that slowly alters us (Biss, M, 2009; Cocking, D., & Kennett, J., 1998). This realisation recasts friendship as a cooperative venture. We are made of our friends as much as what we see in their mirrors.
Comparisons & Contrasts – the right mix of validation and differentiation
Friendship thrives on both commonality and contrast. These common points of connection allow us to feel affirmed and cultivate a space where we communicate without the anxiety of being judged since we feel acknowledged (Cocking, D.& Kennett, J., 1998; Piotrowski, M., 2018). Friends who “get us” affirm that our visions and decisions matter, becoming our support to navigate life’s unknowns.
But distinctions among mates are just as significant. They tread an easy balance by giving us a much-needed contrast, thereby letting us observe alternative characteristics that might soon slip through our breakdown. An extroverted friend, for example, might shove us beyond our comfort zone. Friends with different problem-solving sensibilities can provide a different lens through which to navigate ours (Cocking, D.& Kennett, J., 1998).
Providing both affirmation and provocation, friendships broaden our knowledge of ourselves. They enable us to weave together diverse viewpoints, relabel our personality, and develop more mindfulness.
Friendship and the psychology of self
As psychology tells us, friends are a key component to establishing an identity and fostering emotional health. Clinical perspectives highlight how close friendships provide what psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut called self-object functions. These consist of:
- Mirroring– affirming and validating one’s feelings and experiences.
- Role models: people to admire or look up to.
- Twinship: generating a sense of camaraderie through shared experience.
Long-term friendships, for example, can serve as stabilising anchors — offering continuity of self and helping individuals cope with life transitions such as job changes, caregiving responsibilities or health problems, as found in a study of midlife women.
Friends are also emotional thermostats. They provide comfort in hard times, encouragement in times of doubt, and constructive criticism in times of confusion. These roles help people maintain a coherent self-narrative and emotional equilibrium (Piotrowski, M., 2018).
Read More: Here’s why Positive Friendships are the Coolest Thing Ever!
Friendship as a Growth Space
We often try out new roles, identities, and ambitions in intimate friendships. Friendships are relationships of choice, as opposed to family ties, which depend on obligation. This voluntariness helps create a sort of experimental development bubble. Friends can bolster resilience, teach healthy coping strategies and challenge self-defeating thoughts. They help ground who you could be, the person you want to become, alongside validating the person you are. In this way, friendships help close the space between who you are and who you could be.
Friendship, Culture, and Self-Understanding
Cultures also shape the meaning and function of friendship. Friendships are often depicted as hosting grounds for personal development and self-expression in much of the West. Conversely, friendships tend to serve collective objectives in collectivist cultures, where loyalty, reciprocity and strengthening group identity are emphasised. Despite these differences, friendship’s power to generate self-consciousness is a commonality. Cross-cultural friendships, either through daily friendship, ceremony or acts of care, suggest identity is not made in isolation but in relation to others.
The Vulnerability of Friendship
But while friendships enhance our self-image, they are also brittle. The very selfhood friendships sustain can be eroded through betrayal, through callousness, through drifting. A good friend lost is not easy, and it is oddly disorienting because they become so intertwined with who we are. This vulnerability shows how critical friendships can be for personal development. Losing a good mate isn’t just isolating; it is losing some of yourself along with them.
Conclusion
In a different way from the mirror, our best friends show us ourselves. They engage in a living process of challenge, transformation and affirmation with us. From Aristotle’s notion that friends are “another self” to modern psychological and clinical perspectives, friendship is viewed as a vital arena for cultivating virtue, reinforcing one’s resilience and reconciling oneself.
Vigorous friendships shape the self, as well as mirroring it. They provide us with the socio-cultural perspectives which allow us to behold both our current selves and our realisable selves, the emotional balms we require to ground us and the clash of difference and affirmation that propel us to flourish. Thus, friendship is a lively, improvised interchange that reaffirms us and preserves our humanity.
FAQs
1. How do close friends help us understand ourselves better?
Close friends not only reflect who we are but also challenge us, helping us see qualities and possibilities we might miss on our own.
2. Why does Aristotle describe friends as “another self”?
Because in true friendship, friends share virtues and engage in moral growth together, shaping each other’s identity in meaningful ways.
3. Can differences between friends also be beneficial?
Yes, differences provide contrast that helps us recognise hidden parts of our personality and expand our self-understanding.
4. What role do long-term friendships play in psychological health?
They provide emotional stability, validation, and continuity, which are crucial for resilience and a coherent sense of self.
5. How are friendships more than just mirrors?
Friendships are dynamic processes where friends actively influence, support, and transform each other over time.
References +
Biss, M. (2009). Aristotle on friendship and self-knowledge: The friend beyond the mirror. The Society for Ancient Greek Philosophy Newsletter. 344 https://orb.binghamton.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1344&context=sagp
Cocking, D., & Kennett, J. (1998). Friendship and the self. Ethics, 108(3), 502–527. https://doi.org/10.1086/233824
Piotrowski, M. (2018). Selfobject Experience in Long-Term Friendships of Midlife Women. Psychoanalytic Social Work, 25(1), 17–41. https://doi.org/10.1080/15228878.2018.1437757
Lippitt, J. (2007). Cracking the mirror: on Kierkegaard’s concerns about friendship. International Journal for Philosophy of Religion, 61(3), 131–150. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11153-007-9117-x
Thompson, A., Smith, M. A., McNeill, A., & Pollet, T. V. (2022). Friendships, loneliness and psychological well-being in older adults: a limit to the benefit of the number of friends. Ageing and Society, 44(5), 1090–1115. https://doi.org/10.1017/s0144686x22000666
Sakyi, K. S., Surkan, P. J., Fombonne, E., Chollet, A., & Melchior, M. (2014). Childhood friendships and psychological difficulties in young adulthood: an 18-year follow-up study. European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 24(7), 815–826. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00787-014-0626-8
