Saying ‘Thank you’ to your parents in the Indian culture is almost always considered criminal, but gratitude is an integral part. It is expressed non-verbally through involved obedience, duty and respect. Even though words rarely ever counted, the efforts went a long way in deepening the parent-child bond. Because the child would learn to recognise and venerate the sacrifice and labouring efforts made by their parents to provide them with the necessities of life and beyond. While the parent would appreciate and reward the child for their dutiful behaviour and commitment.
However, as the world advances, this idealistic parent-child bond formed deeply by appreciation has become rare. The rapidly evolving socio-cultural landscape is replacing the foundational basis of family dynamics. The strong flow of gratitude is being replaced by never-ending expectations and has taken a lot away from the once-pious relationship. This significant transformation has been witnessed as a byproduct of cultural shifts in the parent-child relationship.
Exploring the Catalysts behind the ‘Ungrateful’ Shift
Gratitude had a strong hold over the parent-child relationship. Now, acts of thanks have been replaced by a long list of expectations, which leaves little space to appreciate that which has already been provided. This transformation is a testament to the human tendency to always want more, which has been aggravated by multiple social, economic, cultural, and psychological forces. They have collectively reshaped the parent-child dynamic, making it difficult to navigate. Several factors which contribute to this cultural shift in gratitude are:
1. ‘I’ has become more important than ‘Us’
Historically, societies across the hemisphere were divided not only by longitudes but also by cultures. The eastern hemisphere witnessed a majority of collectivistic culture, which prioritised the collective over the singular, while the western hemisphere followed the opposite with the individualistic culture. Through global exposure and enculturation, individualistic culture has gained popularity (Santos et al., 2017). The ideals of the collectivistic culture, where gratitude was a pillar of family dynamics and respect and responsibility were undeniable duties, have lost their significance.
The ‘I’, along with its need for rights, independence, and fulfilment, has become greater than the collective. The parent-child relationship no longer remains a comprehensive unit of two accommodating parts, but rather two separate units with differing goals and needs. As a result, it is expected to provide for the actualisation of goals, leaving no room for appreciation. Example: The mutual flow of respect in the parent-child relation in collectivistic cultures is taught and nurtured, while individualistic cultures regard it as a firm requirement.
Read More: Why Do We Glorify the West? Psychological Roots of Cultural Inferiority Complex
2. Parenting Style Evolution
The generation that finds itself with the labouring task of parenting today mostly grew up with authoritarian parents (Trifan et al., 2014). This painting style is characterised by strictness, rules, and duties, where obedience and punishment are currencies (Sanvictores & Mendez, 2022). Society has witnessed a significant shift towards the permissive parenting style (Change, 2024), which directly contrasts with the authoritarian style of the past. With fewer rules and more indulgent tendencies, parents have reduced their hold over their child’s life, allowing the child to take their efforts for granted. To establish more emotional development in the child, the parents have opted to go out of their way to meet all demands, allowing the expectations of the child to grow exponentially without ever letting them learn the virtue of gratitude.
3. ‘Return on Investment’ mindset
Many parents make significant sacrifices to invest their resources and time into raising their children. While this depicts love and devotion towards the child, the competitive mindset adopted by society turns it into a transactional experience. The parents’ investment and sacrifice need to amount to a viable and visible success in the child’s life. Any acts or achievements are not met with appreciation by the parents, but rather duties that were expected of the child and ultimately inevitable on account of the parents’ investment. The relationship which was built on opposite unconditional love has begun to carry the weight of unspoken debt as gratitude turns into expectations.
4. Proclivity for Comparison
In the age of digitisation, comparison has become extremely easy, owing to the multiple facets of lifestyle that one can compare to. Children will often see what others have, such as the latest gadgets, clothing, freedom and more, and begin to expect the same from their parents. Parents, on the other hand, will witness the achievements made by other children and experience a twinge of inadequacy, which encourages them to pressure their children into doing more. In these cases, both child and parent are not appreciative of what they have already received and are only interested in what can be gained more. This wish cycle of expecting more fosters dissatisfaction and creates a rift in parent and child relations.
Reversing the Impact of Never-Ending Expectations
This cultural shift is an amalgamation of a variety of factors at play, which involves not only changes on account of the parent but also the child. As expectations continue to replace gratitude, both parties will remain unseen and unheard, craving appreciation and validation. They will be compelled to navigate competitive and individualistic landscapes with little to no support. Despite the magnitude of this shift, it is still possible for families to make conscious efforts to ingrain gratitude and reduce expectations to promote healthier relations.
1. Healthy Conversation
Studies suggest that parent-child conversation which focuses on other individuals’ feelings and needs will contribute to the development of the conscience and important virtues and morals (Thompson, 2014). This suggests the importance of the quality of conversation held between the parent and the child regarding the child’s gratitude. According to Midgette et al. (2022), this includes not only events where the child has failed to show gratitude but also situations where the child has shown gratitude or received a material gift, food or assistance. These types of conversations will help the child understand the importance of being grateful and help the parent realise the reasons why the child does not feel grateful.
2. Don’t Just Talk. Show!
Rothenberg et al. (2016) suggested that grateful parents raise grateful children. When parents express gratitude for simple things daily, they create a culture of appreciation. Eventually, by modelling, the child will begin to acknowledge the efforts put in by the parents, no matter the grandiosity. Not only do consistent efforts on the parents’ account help increase their levels of gratitude towards members of the family, but they also impact the behaviours of gratitude witnessed in the children. Studies suggest that when parents modelled gratitude, the children’s gratitude was higher along with more secure, warm and supportive parent-child attachment (Obeldobel & Kerns, 2021).
3. Setting Boundaries
Most parents aim to fulfil all the expectations put forth by their children, and while this remains a beautiful sentiment, it turns unrealistic when one realises that expectations are never-ending. Hence, it becomes most important for parents to begin to say ‘no’ to unreasonable demands. By setting healthy and transparent boundaries, the child will not be able to develop an attitude of entitlement. He/she will also be quick to understand that the love and support provided by the parent does not equate to unlimited access and gratification.
4. Collective Responsibility
The responsibilities of the household must encompass all members to ensure better family dynamics (Bang & Jang, 2022). This allows all family members to understand the value of the effort put in by others in the family and appreciate them. This should also include children, depending on their age. They can be given appropriate responsibilities to understand the value of effort, cooperation, and contribution. Especially for children, exposure to daily activities and routines will foster a greater understanding of the labour that goes behind the constant comfort and support provided by their parents and create a deeper gratitude for the same.
Conclusion
The aim is not to eliminate expectations. It is when expectations turn into unreasonable demands without any gratitude and acknowledgement that family systems begin to crumble. By consciously choosing to turn into families which not only receive but also appreciate, parents can nurture a generation which learns to hold reasonable expectations and show gratitude for effort.
FAQs
1. Should a parent expect gratitude from their child?
No. Gratitude is a free-flowing virtue which must be fostered within the child through learning and observation. Expectation of gratitude from the child makes it a demand which takes away from the experience. Rather, parents should focus their energies on creating a culture of gratitude, so that the child learns to appreciate the parent when the time comes.
2. How can I create a culture of gratitude?
Normalising gratitude in and outside your home would be the first step. Individuals can begin to show gratitude for the smallest of efforts enacted by others, which may otherwise often go unnoticed. This would not only deepen social bonds but also help one be more appreciative of things they usually take for granted.
3. What are some indicators of entitlement in children?
Children who lack a grateful tendency can tend to be entitled, rude and unappreciative. They will always expect rewards and become upset when denied them. They will express dissatisfaction with receiving gifts that do not live up to their expectations. Simultaneously, they will never express happiness for receiving what they want; rather, they will only add greater demands to their never-ending list of expectations.
4. Can gratitude coexist with expectations in a family?
Yes, absolutely! Expectations are not the enemy and can not be entirely eradicated. Instead, expectations must be reasonable, grounded in reality and based on prior experience rather than entitlement. Gratitude will only help this process further. Children should expect love, security and safety from their parents while being deeply grateful for what they are receiving. Likewise, parents can expect respect and commitment from their child while appreciating their efforts.
References +
- Midgette, A. J., Coffman, J. L., & Hussong, A. M. (2022). What Parents and Children Say When Talking about Children’s Gratitude: A Thematic Analysis. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 31(5), 1261–1275. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-021-02222-9
- Obeldobel, C. A., & Kerns, K. A. (2021). A literature review of gratitude, parent–child relationships, and well-being in children. Developmental Review, 61, 100948. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.dr.2021.100948
- Rothenberg, W. A., Hussong, A. M., Langley, H. A., Egerton, G. A., Halberstadt, A. G., Coffman, J. L., Mokrova, I., & Costanzo, P. R. (2016). Grateful parents raising grateful children: Niche selection and the socialization of child gratitude. Applied Developmental Science, 21(2), 106–120. https://doi.org/10.1080/10888691.2016.1175945
- Santos, H. C., Varnum, M. E. W., & Grossmann, I. (2017). Global increases in individualism. Psychological Science, 28(9), 1228–1239. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797617700622
- Sanvictores, T., & Mendez, M. D. (2022, September 18). Types of Parenting Styles and Effects on Children. StatPearls – NCBI Bookshelf. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK568743/
- Thompson, R. A. (2014). The Development of Virtue. In Oxford University Press eBooks (pp. 278–306). https://doi.org/10.1093/acprof:oso/9780199967421.003.0012
- Trifan, T. A., Stattin, H., & Tilton‐Weaver, L. (2014). Have authoritarian parenting practices and roles changed in the last 50 years? Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(4), 744–761. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12124